Confessions of a Stay-at-Home Mom

giddy little girl

2012-01-27T18:58:00.000-08:00

remember when you were 13 and you would get giddy over just thinking about the boy you had a crush on? and you get butterflys (in a good way) when he would say Hi to you in the hall? And you would just about fall off your chair when he sat by you in class? remember those days? The simplest things, the simplest moments, were the biggest and most important.

sure they are fun to laugh at now, as adults, when we know what real love is, and we know that just because someone says HI to you doesn't mean that they are in love with you.

but you know what? maybe those 13 yr old girls aren't as dumb as we think they are. (ok they totally are, but here me out on this....)

I feel as giddy as a little girl right now.

I cannot even tell you how excited I am about my date with James tomorrow. the more I think about it and the more I think about just having a day - an entire DAY - just to ourselves - it gives me butterflies. fo reals.

so what are we going to do?

1) go out to breakfast at Roll Up crepes place with the ginormous owl - has anyone tried that? I have wanted to check it out, mostly because it is so weird. and tiny. I am curious.
2) Go to the dollar movies and watch Real Steel. I have a crush on Hugh Jackman, and yes, James is ok with this. And he also knows that is the main reason I want to watch this movie. Perhaps James has a man-crush on him as well, because otherwise I don't think he would be willing to go see it. it didn't look awesome. haha.

3)shop for new running shoes/clothes. Stoked about this.

4)get changed into my new dress (yes I bought it, and yes I will take pics. because it DOES look fab!) and James will get all handsome for me.

5)go out to Shoga for sushi. that place is tiny, low-light, flowers on each table - very romantic. Love it.

6) going to see The Vibe. apparently it's some fabulous dance group, but I'm motivated to see it because it has 2 of my fave dancers from last season's SYTYCD, and James even enjoys watching talented dancers...so...win-win.

7) if we have time, we will go get dessert and/or stop by a friends birthday celebration.

And that's our day. I am so SO excited. And I realized something - this feeling, as sad as it is, is actually not that common among married couples. The more I talk to other women, the more I realize that love does in fact fade over time....or at least, it can. it doesn't have to. I talked to my boss who is a bishop and he talked about how he has had to deal with many couples that struggle simply because they stopped "courting." He recommends each couple go on a weekly date, every 6 months have an overnighter, and once a year take a trip - all with NO children. At first I thought "whoa, that's a lot to ask!" but then I realized...we actually do that. not thinking about it, but the last couple of years we have jsut happened to follow that. And I can promise you that our relationship is so much better, so much stronger then it was prior to our dating-during-marriage.

We talk about things more. We laugh and goof off more. We see different sides of each other when we try new things together. Things that wouldn't happen at home when we are hanging out with the kids. Hanging out with your kids is great - but if you do not build your relationship with your spouse continually, your marriage will eventually become a surface level relationship. And I can say that because I've seen it happen more then once and all at different points in marriage. Sometimes it's after 7 years...sometimes it's after 15, or 5, or even 1. It's easy to get lost in the day to day mundane life. It's love that makes those things mean anything at all. And so it is your love that you should be building, working on, etc. If you had a BF/GF and they didn't call you just to chat, or you didn't go out with them every friday - you would probably be mad at them. But for some reason, we get married, and just because we use the same dishes and toilet we feel like the dating can decrease. Complete opposite, people.

When I was telling James about the advice my boss was giving me, and how I was surprised that so many people stopped dating after marriage, I said "maybe it's just easier for us because if I didn't get a break from the kids I'd go insane." And James kind of nodded half heartedly like he wasn't paying attention - and then he said the cutest thing ever that started this giddyness in the first place:

"I don't know if it's that...I just like being with you."

me too, babe. me too.

love that man. love that we can go play like kids and have fun. love that he spoils me. love that he makes me laugh. love that he is a goofball. love that he lets me be me.

love that he loves me.

Feel the Love

2012-01-26T11:29:00.000-08:00

Valentines Day.

I told my kids that was the next exciting day headed our way. Grace wanted to know more about it. I told her it is all about love and that everyone gives cards, treats, flowers, etc to all the people that they love. I told her it's when we celebrate all the great people in our lives that we love and that they love us. I told her there would be lots of heart and red and pink. She liked it so far.

"Grace, who do you love?"

"Well...I love you, and daddy and Rocky and Gma and Gpa and James...James Nielson...and James and Harrison, and Sophie, and uncle Jay, and ...well...I just love everybody!"

"Well that's good to love so many people."

"I want to give them all those things, mom."

"What things?"

"the cards and flowers and candy. and then they can give it to me too."

"We'll see what we can do about that...."

later on....I asked Rocky...

"rocky, do you love me?"

"Yeh, I love you mom." he paused for awhile...."And I love Daddy and Gracie too. oh..and Mickey. Mom, I love Mickey."

"That's a good thing to love, little bud."

He then cuddled with his Mickey Mouse while watching mickey mouse clubhouse (he's sick...hanging out on the couch the last few days) Too cute.

So I think I will really try to do some fun things for Vday this year. With the kids and with the hubster. I am excited. This really is a time to let those whom you love know that you love them. Because even though sometimes we say "oh they know already." they don't always. And even if they do - who doesn't like a little bit of love shown to them?

I'm feelin' it this year. I'm excited.

Loves.

Blubbering over Babies

2012-01-23T11:52:00.000-08:00

Well, I don't think it's a secret that I really want another little in my house. I'm fairly open about these things, which maybe isn't great. Because unlike so many women I know, it's not that I physically can't have another baby - but, well, it's complicated. Let me explain...

1) we discovered we don't have maternity coverage. so we have to save up the $$$ to be able to get prego and not go into debt over it.
2)once I am 6 months pregnant, we will move. I do not want to work full time or move when I am 9 months prego and you can't have more then 2 kiddos in this apt. Previous peeps here have taken advantage of the kindness of the owners, so I know that we probably could stay here, but I don't want to take advantage, and I don't want to work while I'm taking care of a newborn. No. Thank. You. And with James in school and not working as many hours as he used to trying to finish faster which means we don't have quite as much income (we have plenty, just as long as we live here.) so...we kind of need to stay here while he finishes up that education of his and we can move on to the next chapter in our lives.
3) working on my emotional stability when upset with kids. haha. still not underwraps yet. I get pretty mad sometimes, and when that happens I just think "There is no way I should bring another kid into this world." sounds dramatic and like I'm abusive, which it IS dramatic, and I'm NOT abusive. But I have to put myself in time out frequently to make sure I don't GET to that point. You know what I'm saying? And I just don't want to push those limits. this is the least of my concerns. if #1 and #2 were not issues, I would be prego right now, and just pray to Heavenly Father to help me even more then he already does. I'm sure everything would be fine. But...#1 and #2 really ARE issues.

But I will tell you that right now, I am babysitting 2 adorable lil girls (twins!) and they are not helping my want for babies. They are 3, they aren't babies themselves, but just seeing my kids playing with them and I just think "Rocky needs another sibling, one that isn't bossing him all the time." and "Grace needs a sister so she can do more girly things. nothing compares to having a great sister" It is so cute to watch them interract.

James and I were going to use our tax return for some trip this year or for a new camera for me - but...we have decided to use it for our baby, whenever that may happen. it's time to start yet another savings fund here: baby #3 fund. I don't think we will EVER save for our future home as originally planned. It seems like things never go as planned. We've done a lot of fun things this last year, but we've also had many unexpected expenses, etc (James going to school non-stop is one of those! the government doesn't just pay for everyone, people.) I am not worried about that because I don't regret anything that has happened in the last year, but it just goes to show - no use in planning your future. It'll throw some curveballs at you along the way and change your direction everytime.

Anyway I guess my point is, that while I was babysitting these two adorable girls, who had colds and were still in their jammies and they both cuddled with me - I sat there and just wanted to hold them for a long long time. So like I said, perhaps this is one of those things I shouldn't blog about, because those of you who can't have kids at all or have been trying for a long time etc will probably want to say "shut up biotch, if you want kids so freakin' bad, have another one alreadyand stop complaining. you've already got 2 anyway, gosh you are so greedy!" And maybe my reasons don't make sense to not have one yet at this time. So I apologize to those of you who may feel that way - I do not want to make anyone feel bad or upset and I don't want people to think I am making dumb choices - but I know it's the right and best choice for us at this time.

but knowing that, doesn't really make it any easier. In fact, I daresay knowing that I physically could get prego any.time.i.wanted. makes it that much harder knowing it's not the right time. Why does time have to come into play? I want another baby. Is that too much to ask? And when I've asked the higher power about that, He sweetly lets me know that yes, it is in fact, too much to ask for at this time.

My one comfort? He usually leaves me with a few nice thoughts...

Enjoy your time with the children you have.

And then I tell him that I do, so just make things work out for us so we can have another... and the same thing comes to mind every time....

all in good time.

Sometimes I'm Selfish

2012-01-19T08:38:00.000-08:00

but most of the time, I really try not to be, you know? It's just once in awhile, I want...what I want. Is that too much to ask? haha.

What I'm really talking about today is my birthday. I normally don't make a big deal about it. We normally go out to dinner and have cake and ice cream with some friends and family. James usually let me buy some clothing or whatever it is I am wanting at the moment. You may recall I said I was going to re-decorate our room for my birthday present. this still sounds quite fabulous, however....I might just wait to do that until, say, oh Mother's day or something. ;o) Because I have some other things on my mind.

First of all, some things I want/need to purchase:
-new running shoes
-new workout clothes
-possibly new MP3 player, or headphones at least. mine keep going in and out.

Now You should know that my mom has graciously accepted to watch our kiddos all day on Jan 28th. That's not my bday, but you know, that's a day that James has off from work and school and that I have off from work, so it's going to "be my birthday." I have a sitter from 10 a.m. until 10 p.m. THANK YOU MOM. How fabulous does that sound? Just a day with the hub and I.

100% perfect, that's what that sounds like.

And I have decided I want to do things that we have never done before together. Or things we haven't done in a long time.

So what should we do with all our free time? Ok, pervs, we will do that of course, but we've definitely done that before and it hasn't been a long time either so technically it doesn't really count. sheesh. can't believe you suggested that. Anyway, back to the question at hand, and only accepting actual ideas, we need to figure out what to do! I only have 2 ideas so far....

-Rock climbing. never been. any suggestions as to a good place?

-fancy-pants/dress dinner and is there a place that has dances? I mean, sure we could go to a club, but I don't know how to dance like that. haha. actually I don't know how to dance at all, but I still love to wiggle around like a goober. sorta my fave thing ever. also, sort of James' least fave thing ever. Good thing it's my birthday and not his, right?

Oh and say we DO the fancy dinner night date....I want to buy this dress. it looks so incredibly sexy I can't even handle it. I hope it looks as good ON me, (which thanks to spanx and my dieting I think it just might!) because I tell you what, if it does, I'm buying it, I really don't care how much it costs. I am in love with it. *also, the picture is not as cute as in person. I looked at it in person and it's all lacey and looks totally classy.* If it does not look as good (which our $$$ is probably hoping it doesn't) then I will just wear the dress I bought last year for that wedding we went to. Which really, is probably the better way to go, but...we will see! haha. Unless you know of a sexy/modest dress that is less then $50....

Also, any restaurants we should try? We've been to most of the places in Provo and Orem I feel like. I figure SLC has some different places, so maybe we should try something up there? I don't really know - so throw out suggestions. I like anything except I'm not super into mexican right now. and if they had a calorie listing that would be ideal since I'll still be counting calories on this day.

Thanks in advance for the tips and ideas! I can't wait to have a day with the hub and do a bunch of things that I want to do. sometimes it's just fun to be selfish and so what you want to do. and I figure on my birthday, is about the only day I can get away with that. :o)

Happy Thursday!

Lifestyle?

2012-01-17T09:23:00.000-08:00

I only have a few minutes before I need to open the office, but I wanted to do a quick blog and tell you all about these new changes that are taking place in our lives right now.

First of all, and really, it's the only one, but it's the cause of all the others....I started a bootcamp! It's by Lean Bodies Health and Fitness. The owner and one of the trainers is Lindsey and she does her bootcamp in springville. Then she has Heather, another awesome trainer, do the bootcamp in Provo. I am currently doing the one in Provo just because I got a sweet group deal if I did that one with a few of my pals. Lil bit farther of a drive, but that's totally fine.

It's crazy! 100% turnaround from what my life was like a month ago during the holidays. Getting up at 5 a.m., working out, super specific diet (you eat 6 small meals a day and it tells you like meal 1 eat protein carb and fruit kind of a thing) and then based on your goals and your body type they give you a number of calories to aim for each day. Not to mention drink a GALLON of water. I don't do that. I physically can't, I swear! haha. 12 cups is the most I've been able to get in but most days it's about 10 cups.The food has been a major challenge for me. I am used to eating whatever I want, whenever I want. I'm used to not knowing what's a protein and what's a carb (I really didn't know those things. I'm not making that up.) That's why James would kind of chuckle if I made pasta, rolls, and potatos for dinner because I would think we had a well rounded meal, and he would say that's a lot of carbs! I just didn't know anything about nutrition really. So that is definitely taking some adjusting to. The first week I was mostly just pissed off about the food. Loved the workouts. I can push myself 100% on working out. But the food - too many changes, too much to adjust to - it was hard for me. But I'm onto week 2 and so far so good. Meals planned out for the week, workouts planned out - It will be much easier this way.

What are all these great new changes that have come just from doing the bootcamp?

Let me tell you...

Earlier schedule. I get up at 5-5:15 every morning now. Wednesdays and friday I sleep in until 5:45 or 6:00. I'm back home by 7:30, work doesn't start until 9:00 so I have time to do other things before. I'm also completely dead by 9:00 p.m. So what happens? I go to bed early...or, as long as James isn't attacking me at 10:00 or 11:00, I got to bed early, haha. He's still getting used to the earlier schedule as well. ;o)
Love having my mornings! We are able to have, for the first time ever (yes it's true! pathetic...but true) family scripture study! I am so stoked about this, I cannot even tell you. We've tried many ways to get in scripture study and it's always been at dinner or before bed, etc. but evenings and nights are too crazy and you're too tired, so it doesn't really happen. I've always known that morning would be ideal, but I was the one who liked to sleep in...so...I needed something to force me to wake up. And now I have that, and it's a major blessing.
My kids love puzzles. And somehow, the morning has turned into puzzle time. before breakfast or after doesn't matter. but for at least a half hour we do puzzles...the same 2 over and over again. haha. but they love it and it's good for me to have that time with them.
i can get a quick errand in - I did my grocery shopping today before 8:00 a.m. that was amazing!
I'm learning that I actually DO like some veggies. I've never eat veggies before because they've always tasted so gross to me. but I've been branching out and trying new things. so far I like spinich and lettuce (easy ones) green beans, and asparagus. anyone who knows me, knows that this is a challenge for me. I'm the grown-up who doesn't like to see "green things" in their food. or...I used to be? not sure if I still am. haha . I've been making veggies for my kids (always knew they needed them but they really only eat them at Gmas) and surprise! Grace loved asparagus too! who knew? I plan on making them eat some veggies each day now, and I am so excited to help them be healthier then I have chosen to be.
James can go to work anywhere from 7:30-9:00 a.m. He has always gone in at 9:00 because of our later schedule. So he never really saw the kids because he was rushed out the door, and then straight from work to school, and then an hour with the fam before bedtime. Now I'm waking him up when I get home at 7:30 and he has some time with kids OR he can go to work an hour earlier and come home an hour earlier and have time with the kids then. IT's better for him, even if he doesn't want to do it. because I promise you...he doesn't want to do it. haha. I've never been the wife that "makes" her hub do anything - but this IS something that I am making him do: wake up earlier.
drinking more water - for the love, I am not a fan of water. I love Dr Pepper and Milk and V8 Splash. See how healthy I was? see that? Anyway, I've been drinking a lot of water and I don't just drink milk and I never have Dr Pepper or V8 splash anymore - and guess what? I can't remember the last headache I had. shocker! also, my pee has never been clear before, in case you wanted to know that. I'm fairly certain you were hoping I'd mention the color of my urine so that's why I threw that in there for ya.

I have to just say that I don't know how strictly I will follow the diet AFTER boot camp is over (end of Feb) but I know I will watch my calories and make overall healthier choices. I also know I will continue working out early every morning because that is my favorite thing ever.

So happy I'm doing this and I reccommend it to everyone of all ages, sizes and physical ability. They can adjust the program to fit your needs so anyone can do it. And I promise, you won't regret it.

Check out their FB Page for more info

Not My Normal Topic of Conversation

2012-01-13T09:09:00.000-08:00

or maybe it is my normal topic of conversation, but in a completely different way. I am the type to make dirty jokes (yes it's true) and to seem to take things like sex lightly. But when it comes down to it, I don't take sex lightly. I joke around because I am immature and thing it's still funny like a little 13 yr old who doesn't really know what they're talking about. Or...at least in my day 13 yr olds didn't know what they were talking about. However, I know that it is an important and sacred thing that we are capable of doing and should only do after you're married. I know that the purpose in it is to create life and within the bonds of marriage, express love. So although I joke about it a lot and make light of it, I hope people know that I know the true purpose behind it: to multiply and replensih the earth.

That being said, my blog is almost always about motherhood, parenting, random funny things, and just my personal life. I don't talk a lot about the world at all, I don't talk about religion too often, and I don't talk about politics ever! That is just not something I know enough about because I choose to not know - I don't like the controversy that comes with politics. People can never agree, tension instantly hits because people have uber strong opinions about every.little.thing. This is why I pull away from it. I don't like the controvery, and in the end, being in the state of Utah, my vote can do very little in the big picture. My vote whether republican or not - the majority will be republican, so what's the point, right?

So why am I ranting about all of this? Because my sister-in-law posted this on her blog and as I read it, I started thinking "is this true?" And I kind of tried to pull my "Oh well, the world is going that way anyway" card, I started really thinking: Do I want my 6th grader to know how to put a condom on? I mean, I'm certain there are kids that age that have sex, but - hopefully with our family values, my kids won't even be thinking about those things yet. Think about yourself in 6th grade. I was still innocent. I was happy. I had known what sex was for a couple years at that point (because my mom talked to me about it in a private setting), but it wasn't talked about a lot, so it wasn't on my mind.

So it's not that I don't think children should be educated - I just feel that parents should educate their children on things such as family standards, family types, sex, sexual orientation etc. And believe me, we will have to educate our kids on sexual orientation and family types no matter what. That's apart of our lives - but I want to be the one teaching it to my children. I don't want the school to teach it. I want them to be taught about it, but I want to be the one to say how it is presented. I want them to know that sex is a sacred thing, that "gender is an essential characteristic of premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose!" And that is most definitely NOT the way they are talking about presenting it. Shocker.

Now James is from california. And everytime I freak out about stuff like this, he calms me down and explains that he had sex education in his classes. And it wasn't that big of a deal. It was mostly in Junior high and high school, and if you're realistic you will see that to prevent many teen pregnancies, these are good things to be taught, I'd say one day out of the whole year. Simple one hour discussion in your health class about condoms and STDs and you're good to go. I actually don't have an issue with that.

But that's NOT what I'm talking about. What the government is talking about doing is teaching children starting at KINDERGARTEN people. Not high school or Junior high. They want to start teaching about your body parts in Kindergarten, and I'm not referring to head-shoulders-knees-and toes, either.

Anyway, I'm not one to get involved in these things. I'm not one to even get upset most of the time. I usually go with the flow and figure as long as I'm doing what I need to do, we'll be ok. Our kids will be ok. But at the same time - if these things were already put into place - Grace would start learning about her vagina next year. When I think about it like that, it makes me want to throw up.

Like I said - I want my children to be educated about sex and all that goes along with that. I will even teach my teens about safe sex, because I know that good kids get into trouble too. But that is a personal decision. That isn't something I would expect every mother to do. And the way your kids are taught should be a personal choice. I am certain that I will have to tell Grace about sex sooner then I want - but I WANT TO BE THE ONE TO TELL HER. I WANT THAT TO BE A TOPIC FOR HER WITH HER PARENTS. NOT HER TEACHERS. NOT HER FRIENDS.

Here is something you should read.

This is what I know to be true. And isn't it interesting where it says "Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets." Hmmm. Sounds kind of like today...

that's all I have to say about that. rant over. at least on the blog, anyway.

Change

2012-01-09T06:58:00.000-08:00

Sometimes change is stressful. Sometimes change is hard.

And sometimes

Change is a breath of much needed fresh air.

twenty.twelve.

2012-01-03T13:32:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe how fast the last year has gone. And as I normally do let's go over last year's new year resolutions and I'll make a new list for this year...

NOT.

I wish something more profound would have come out, but it didn't. "not" was the best I could do.

What I'm trying to say is this year, I'm not doing the resolutions. I love planning, I love goals, and I love reaching goals and having my plans work out. However, I have had year after year on disappointment on the same few things. And what it comes down to, is I do what I want during the year and sometimes it coordinates with the resolutions I planned on January 1st and sometimes it doesn't. I must admit that the only reason I ran 2 half marathons last year was because I had made a resolution to do so. but every. other. thing. on my list just got done because I would have done it anyway or it didn't because I wouldn't have done it anyway. So this year is a NEW YEAR. And I'm going about things a little bit differently. so let me tell you about my upcoming year. There are some things that are going to happen no matter what, and that's what this list is...

Jan 10th I start BOOTCAMP! That's right. I joined the army. Not really, I'm sure you really fell for that too. I'm doing this hardcore exercise dealio with some girls in my ward - It's a 6 week bootcamp, 6:00 a.m. - it's gonna kill me, but hopefully it jump-starts my motivation to be healthy this year.
Jan 14th, Grace turns 4. We will have a princess party where all invited should dress as a princess (or prince) It will be quite the fun time for little 4 year olds, I tell you what.
Jan 24th, I turn 25. "That's a quarter of a century. Makes a girl think!" Except for that it doesn't. I don't really care about this birthday, to be honest. James said I could get a new bed set with pillows and all that for our room, so I'm excited to re-do our room for my birthday and that's about it.
April 6th James and I will have been married for 5 years. Man...I keep saying this, but it's true: time flies. It's been a great 5 (almost) years. Excited for that day.
April 28th I'm running the THanksgiving Point Half Marathon. It's during the Tulip Festival so it should be gorgeous.
May 26th my brother Jay is getting married in Portland OR. to a fabulous girl, Emily. Yes...another Emily in our family. We have 3 Emily's and 6 James' so conversations get confusing sometimes. Anyway, we will be going to Portland this year, and being there for that, which will be fantastic. He is possibly having an open house in UT which I will be in charge of planning if he does. This is another thing I will get excited for if that's what really goes down. It would be in July sometime.
June 15/16: James and I are running Ragnar. Hopefully I can recruit more family members to do it as well. And hopefully my hub doesn't back out on me because we aren't sure what his school schedule will be...but I think we can make it work. Either way, it'll be an adventure.
July 17th Rocky will be a 3 year old. I hope to have him potty trained before that day. We've been back and forth with it, but starting in about a week, I plan to put him underwear and never look back. We'll see how that goes.
July 29th is James' golden birthday - he will turn 29. That suddenly sounds old to me. It's very close to 30 which is like the whole next phase in life, you know? haha. Not really, most of our pals are in their 30s and they seem to be the same as our pals in their 20s. but still....29. on the 29th. fun.
James is not taking any breaks in school this year. Usually he takes the summer off. Not this time. He is taking 12-18 credits all year. We hope this will make him get done with school within about 18 months...*hope*
I'm raising my prices for photography. Why? I don't know, because I've stopped taking new clients. But for the possible random new clients I decide to take, my prices will be a tad higher. a tad.
In my dreams I get to visit Florida/Arizona/California this year as well, but I think it will end up being Arizona for about a weekend IF that, possibly in the fall? It all depends on school.

And that's it. I of course want to be better spiritually, and physically, and all the same goals I have every year, but as I said before, nothing goes as plans and whatever happens would have happened anyway. So here is to a new year full of good times, busy times, lazy summer days, and lots of family fun time with my kiddos. That's really all I ask.

Happy New Year!

Cheers!

Midnight Musings

2011-12-28T23:43:00.000-08:00

I have to say that I kind of assume the rest of the world is as obsessed with the world wide web as I am. And then I realize that they are not. Then I have to re-think my time-spending priorities.

New Years resolutions. It's getting to be that time which breaks my heart a little bit, because I know I have only backtracked since my half-year check up for my 2011 resolutions. So it seems like my resolutions will simply be a re-peat here for 2012.

2012. that's crazy. time flies, people. it really does.

I have had a really lovely christmas with all my family, but I have to give a shout out to my sister, Margaret, because I have had a great GREAT time hanging out with her. She lives in Indianna, so I don't see her much, and although I miss my other 3 sisters this holiday season, I sure am glad that Marg is here so that I have her. It's been great to reconnect with her and get to know her kids better, as I don't see them very often at all.

I'm trying to dress more stylishly lately. lame? perhaps. And it's not because I am feeling inferior or like I NEED to dress better...I just have always wanted to and suddenly it hit me..."What's stopping me?" haha. So here are some things I've purchased with my christmas money: skinny jeans (right as they are probably going OUT of style with my luck, but whatevs. I try.) trying the big belt look and I've really liked it, but now it makes me want a bunch of skinny belts with the cardigan look - I love that, so I need to get some of those. I have plenty of cardigans already. I bought a new plaid shirt from old navy that I am definitely going to buy another one of because it is my absolute fave. comfy, flattering, and long. win-win-win. I got a kind of different skirt from Bella Ella today, not my usual pick, but I liked it so I figured I give it a try. And that's about it, I guess. I need some more shirts and dear me something NEW with this mop of hair on my head, and then my "new look" will be completed. I figure with my birthday next month and some promising bonuses coming up I should be able to do all these things without too much of a dent in our budget. friveless? quite. vain? possibly. exciting? most definitely.

it has taken me 3 weeks to finally fold the freaking laundry.now if that's not a confession, I don't know what is.

I got teeth whitener for Christmas. I can already see a major different. 100% stoked about this. THANK JAMES! (or Rocky, I guess. the package did say "To mom from Rocky" but I'm fairly certain James had something to do with it...)

Grace has been lying so much lately. I do NOT know what to do about this. because a lot of the time I don't KNOW what is really true. so do I trust her even though I am fairly certain she IS lying and let her get away with it? do I hound her until she tells the truth? do I tell her terrible stories randomly about people who lied and the consequences that followed?!!? I have NO IDEA. help!

James and I...after 15 months...have finally been released from Nursery. Now that was a great Christmas present.

James got me some slippers for christmas. I cannot take them off. they are so warm and soft and make my feet so happy and warm - I would sleep in them if I could. they are my fave. it's the little things in life, I guess...

Well, it's time to hit the sack.

HAPPY THURSDAY.

ps- remind me to tell you about the bad date and the date re-do card. love my hub.

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-22T13:42:00.000-08:00

So I borrowed some awesome props from my neighbor and fab photographer, Shannan (Modern Vogue Photography) and My kids and I had a blast this morning doing a shoot. Or I should say, Grace and I had a blast. rocky lasted about 30 seconds. Thankfully he thinks his sister is hilarious and so I got some smiles from him. I definitely did not get smiles out of him. He doesn't think I'm funny. boo.

loving her post and pot-belly. haha. so serious. such a lil model. or goof. one or the other.

This is Grace's Funny face. she does this, holds it, and stares you for a long time. hilarious and creepy all mixed into one.

decorate the tree with JOY!

happy handsome boy.

Grace set up this pose. where santa sat, how she should sit and most especially what she wanted to do with her hands.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Obama Shlama

2011-12-14T09:43:00.000-08:00

That's our president's real name, by the way.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you a lil something. So private insurance was kind of hard for me to get used to, at least the plan we had. We got a high deductible plan, so basically we pay out of pocket for most everything but for anything over, say $10,000, we would not have to pay for, or once we had paid that much throughout the year they cover the rest. Right, that's how a deductible works? I think so.

We also found out, that the same month we were choosing our insurance plan, that all private insurance plans in UTAH no longer provide maternity coverage, unless you already had it before, then you can continue to have it. Except for one company, Assurant, it was the last month that you could add on maternity coverage before they joined the crowd and stopped offering it in Utah as well. Crazy. So even though we knew at the time (over a year ago) we would not be having a kiddo anytime soon, we decided to add it onto our plan and pay the lil extra each month so that when we DID decide to have another little, we would have the coverage. because 9 months of appointments, not to mention the birth, is very very expensive. I would say easily $10,000. I remember an appointment with Rocky we had to self pay for, and it was about $200. just to listen to the heartbeat and pee in a cup. But of course, you pay it, because you want to make sure you still hear that little heartbeat each month. And peeing in a cup is just fun, you should try it. Oh wait, no, that's a total lie. Nothing could possibly be more awkward then having a 9 month belling and peeing in a cup with your toddlers in the bathroom with you. Now many times, when you are self-pay, they work out a cheaper deal for you, etc. But not always so you can't count on that. So we felt it was worth it.

Well, I have not wanted to take the kids to the Dr for any reason because I know we have to just pay for it, and I called to ask how much it is and they said something like "it's $150 to start, and then depending on how long you're with the Dr it goes up from there." So what...do they like time me while I'm in there? Charge me for every minute? Really? No wonder Dr's make good money, they get paid by the minute while everyone else is getting paid by the hour! haha. Anyway, I put off getting vaccinations done for about 9 months, but finally, 2 months ago, I decided to go do it. I talked to James and said "it'll cost us a couple hundred but the kids really need to get caught up." He looked at me and said "oh that's covered now with the whole Obama care thing." I guess there are good reasons to watch the news and stay up to date with politics because apparently preventative care was now covered for us. I was extatic! So I took the kids in, got ALL their shots (rocky is still a tad behind but Grace is caught up!) and their Flu shots as well. boo ya.

I just got the bill. $232.25 was how much we would have had to pay before Obama Shlama's plan. What did we pay? A whopping $8.00. THANKS, Mr PRES!

Oh but wait....another thing that changed in our insurance due to Obama Care: no more maternity coverage. That's right. We're on our own.

LAME.

good thing we've been paying for it for the last, oh year or so.

I guess it evens out then. I've been paying for coverage I'm not gonna get, and then we got coverage paid for we weren't expecting.

Holiday Prep

2011-12-06T22:54:00.000-08:00

Big Party is on Saturday. Are you coming? If so, leave a comment letting me know so we can plan for you. If not, leave a comment anyway as a christmas present because I love comments. Haha, just kidding around. ...kind of.

Anyway, moving on

HOLIDAY RECIPES! My friend Kira Davis gave me these recipes over a year ago. I made all of them for my party last year and every single one was a huge hit. So I thought I would let you all know these delicious things will be happening again PLUS a hot chocolate bar, chocolate covered pretzels, chocolate pepperment cupcakes, a christmas cake, peppermint cookies, AND MORE! It'll be fun to make all these things, I am totally stoked. Friday has been dubbed BAKING DAY. Anyway, here are the recipes in case you want to try them out for your own holiday cheer. Enjoy!

White Chocolate Party Mix

1 pound white chocolate

3 cups rice chex cereal

3 cups corn chex cereal

3 cups cheerios cereal

2 cups stick pretzels

2 cups dry roasted peanuts or pecan halves

1 (12 oz.) package M&M's plain candies

Slowly melt white chocolate in top of double boiler over simmering water. Combine cereals, pretzels, nuts and candy in large bowl. Slowly pour chocolate over mixture and stir to coat evenly. Spread mixture on waxed paper and cool. Break into small pieces. Store in air tight container and refrigerate to keep fresh. Yield to 12 to 14 cups.

English Toffee

1 lb. butter

2 cups sugar

6 Tbsp. Karo syrup

6 Tbsp. water

1 lg. pkg. Chocolate chips

1 pkg. sliced almonds

In a heavy pan, melt and bring to a boil the first 4 ingredients. Stir constantly with a wooden spoon at high heat. Cook until brownish caramel colored.

About 20-30 minutes. Water test till brittle.

Pour on buttered cookie sheet. Place 1/4 chocolate chips and almonds on bottom and the rest on top and let melt. Cool and crack candy.

Peanut Brittle

2 cups sugar

1 cup white Karo syrup
1/2 cup cold water
1/2 square butter

Put in heavy kettle with lid and have lid on till it starts to boil then remove lid. Boil to soft 280 (crack stage). Then add 1 lb raw cooking peanuts. Turn to medium, until peanuts are in a brown syrup 295 or hard crack.

Add:

2 tsp. vanilla

1 tsp. baking soda

1 tsp. salt

Stir and pour on greased cookie sheet. Cool and break into pieces.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

Advent Calendar 2011

2011-11-28T22:12:00.000-08:00

1. Unwrap a new Christmas Book to read (or 4 or 5 since we have one)

2. Go to Festival of Trees

3. Take photos for Christmas cards

4. Visit Crèche Exhibit in Midway

5. Make Christmas Cards

6. Shop for gifts for another child (angel tree)

7. Wrap Christmas Gifts

8. Make a new Christmas Decoration

9. Color a Christmas picture

10. Build a snowman or hang up paper snowflakes

11. Make hot chocolate and stir with candy canes

12. Make a treat and take it to a friend

13. Festival of Lights

14. Go out for a Christmas treat

15. Go sledding

16. Christmas Family Movie Night & treats

17. Go visit Santa Clause

18. Visit Temple Square to see Lights

19. Have a campout in front of the Christmas tree

20. Call grandma and grandpa and sing a Christmas song

21. Take gifts to teachers and friends

22. Make macaroni snow flakes (kids craft)

23. Make christmas cookies and decorate them

24. Read the story of the birth of Jesus

25. Christmas!!!

the ornaments aren't on as of yet, and the bottom lights are mid-blink

It's a Monday

2011-11-28T09:21:00.000-08:00

And that means my tummy is complaining more then ever because I've stuffed myself over the weekend. This is a regular monday morning thing - not just after Thanksgiving, unfortunately. also a reason why I've gained a few more pounds...no wait, that IS because of Thanksgiving. lame. Not thankful for that, I'll tell you.

The kids have been on a later schedule with the holiday, and have been going to bed around 10:00. I know. It's terrible. I am not a fan of it either. But it also means they don't wake up until after 9:00, so that's kind of a perk? This morning as I was quietly editing as to not wake up my kids, I suddenly heard Grace's Primary CD turn on in her room. I heard "I Am A Child of God" start playing and then this cute little groggy voice sang along with it, with a yawn here and there as well. She stayed in her room singing primary songs for about 20 mionutes before she decided to come out for breakfast. Cute, cute girl.

Rocky decided to get potty trained today. I was planning on decorating for christmas, and though I will still attempt, it will take much longer, as Rocky constantly thinks he needs to go pee. He has had 2 accidents this morning, and has gone pee in the toilet twice...and has sat on the toilet at LEAST 20 times in the last hour. It's going to be a long day. I only had a 6 pack of underwear for him because I hadn't prepared for the big training day yet. But he woke up and said "need go potty, mom." So I figured we better do it if he wants to do it, even I am not ready yet. haha. Grace said that once he was out of his underwear, he could wear some of hers. As unfortunate as that may be, we just might have to take her up on her offer until we can go to the store.

Also, just in the time that I typed that paragraph I took Rocky to the toilet 4 times. Sheesh.

Grace is upset that our Christmas tree is not just like "Josh and Shannan's" upstairs (our neighbors.) They have this awesome pre-decorated tree that has all sorts of cool things on it - ours just has lights and balls. fairly simple. Grace is disappointed. We haven't set it up yet, I just told her that was what it looked like. I think she will like it once it's set up. And she'll especially like it once it has presents with her name under it.

Well, Rocky has sat on the toilet twice for that paragraph. I think I need to give up on getting anything done and just hang out with the lil bugger today.

Happy Monday!

A Truth

2011-11-25T00:05:00.001-08:00

Grace's Imagination

2011-11-24T09:02:00.000-08:00

So Grace is always making up stories, and they are entertaining to say the least.

This morning we were watching Aladdin for the first time with our kids. When Iago comes and steals the lamp from Aladdin, she asked what happened. So I told her what was going on and she replied:

"I can get that lamp back for Aladdin. I can ride my bike super fast. I can catch up to that bird. I will catch him with a net for the fishies, like a butterfly. Then the genie can help aladdin."

when we go fishing, we use a net sometimes, and that is what Grace was talking about.

I am thankful for my funny, imaginative girl.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

2011-11-21T22:15:00.000-08:00

About a year ago I heard about someone talking about me and my personal life. I heard it from a 3 rd party. Then I heard that it was talked about AT a party. In a group setting. Many voiced their opinions on my life, my choices, etc. Assumptions were made. Speculation occurred. I did not really know most of the people that were included in that group discussion.

My personal life is fairly public, and I have chosen to make it so, via facebook and this lovely blog. I am careful not to share certain things that I hold a little more dear to my heart because I am aware that these things can be twisted and changed depending on who is reading about it.

The topic that was openly discussed at aforementioned party was something I hold very dear. Something I don't just talk about openly on my blog or on facebook. Sure I may have hinted here and there or almost mentioned it, but I have really tried to be careful. I tried to be careful so that things like the above situation would not happen.

But it did. And when I heard about it, I thought "are you kidding me? Why were they talking about that? Who are they to talk about me in that way?" I tried to act calm and collected but it upset me. It was holiday season so I pushed it in the back of my mind so that I could enjoy the holidays and try and forget about it.

Well.

It's been a year.

And I am still upset about it.

It really hurt me then and it hurts me now thinking about that.

maybe finally venting about it will help me get over it. because obviously keeping it in for a year did nothing.

Do you know why I am so open on this blog? Because I want people to know the REAL me. I want people to know how I really am as a wife, mother, LDS girl, etc. I don't like to focus on just the great things because I want people to know that sometimes life sucks, but you keep your head up and move forward. I don't focus on just the negative because when it comes down to it, life is A-mazing and we are oh, so blessed! I try to be honest and straight forward. I try to let people know that is OK to not be "perfect." It's ok to just be you, and no one else. I have receieved messeges many times from people I didn't even know were reading my blog letting me know how they had been touched by a specific post I had written or how it had been just what they needed to hear etc. And so I kept my blog public. I kept being open.

My blog will remain public, because of the positive things that have come from having it public.

But for the love! Please be respectful of my life. I share it with you as a friend. Let's keep it that way.

Date Change

2011-11-16T13:54:00.000-08:00

You may recall I invited you all to my Christmas Party and that I told you to mark your calendars...well....

The Christmas Party is now on

December 10th, 2011

6:30 - 11:00 p.m.

That is all.

Standing in the Middle ...

2011-11-15T13:00:00.000-08:00

...of the living room floor. Both kids in time-out in their beds, crying. I bent over to pick up their mess, including 2 pumpkins and I thought to myself, "why are there pumpkins in the middle of the living room?" I looked around at the mess of toys, papers, crayons - my kids had given the house a good beating while I had been in the office this morning. I was about to feel sooooo mad about it, when I looked in the mirror on our wall and saw my scraggily braid, my ill-fitted shirt, listening to the kids crying, and seeing myself surrounded by the mess - and I just started laughing. I wish I could have taken a picture. It was honestly a "classic" scene in my role of being a mom.

It made me think about how so many young marrieds with no kids or my single pals - they would never be in this situation. It's kind of funny to think about how my reaction as a single person would be if I had walked in on a mom in my exact situation. Maybe I would have laughed. Maybe I would have judged her in a negative way. But all I have to say now is that you don't understand motherhood and all that it entails until you are a mother yourself. And that goes for the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I cleaned up quickly, and once the kids stopped crying, I let them out of their rooms. told them to try again and be happy this time/ They both nodded. I warned them that if they could not play happily they would go straight back to their beds. They went off running ready to play whatever their next game was.

Another moment that might only happen when you have toddlers...or kids of any age, really. I was talking to my pal the other day about how grace will say anything. Sometimes it's the honest truth and other times she is full of crazy stories. Here is a simple example - I'll let you guess whether it's the honest truth or a crazy story.

Last night, as we were getting ready for bed, we all kind of ended up in the bathroom at the same time. James was shaving, leaving a goatee on his chin, Grace was going pee, and I was showing James how my tummy was poking out a lot. I blame it on these new cake balls I made - I cannot stop eating them and they are like FULL of calories. He turned to look at me and I stuck out my tummy as far as I could to make my point even clearer. His response? "Hey rumple-chub-skins." I started laughing really hard and then out of the blue Grace decided to add "Mom, you have hair on your chin."

Sometimes I feel really hott.

And last but not least, while getting in the car, I buckled rocky and told Grace to get buckled. (she can do it all by herself, and I love it!) She was struggling a lot for some reason, trying to reach the buckle under her leg, and in her frustration yelled out:

"EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.I.CANT.DO.THIS!"

haha, that girl really makes me laugh, even when she is losing her patience with her carseat.

I {heart} Being a Mom

2011-11-11T22:49:00.000-08:00

The other night, Rocky was being so freaking adorable. He was making myself and my parents just laugh and laugh. My dad mentioned how cute Rocky was. I said "I know. That boy just melts my mother-heart." And it's true. A kid doing stuff like that back in the day would have been "cute" but that's it. Now that it is my son whom I know and love to pieces...that runs deeper. Where all my strong emotions and unconditional love come from...that is my mother-heart. When Grace says things like "Hey mom, guess what? I love you." that melts my mother-heart. every.single.time.

My sister in law has a sister that cannot have children. She and her hub have psoted their adoption profile online and are hoping to adopt soon. As I went through and read their profile I got so emotional. They love family so.freaking.much. She is very domestic, beautiful, talented in many many ways and so loving. He is strong, smart, a hard worker, and a full-on family man. And yet...they don't have a baby. They can't have a baby. I imagined how I would feel if that were the case with me - and it made me so sad. And it made me so grateful that I didn't have to deal with that, tha tI didn't have that trial. I know everyone has their trials. This must be theirs, and trusting that God never gives anyone something they can't handle, I'm certain that all will be well. If I could have a baby with zero emotional attachment and give it to them, I would. Unfortunately, that's not possible, or normal. haha. Please pray for my friend to get a baby. She will be such a cute mom. Motherhood is the greatest job - a hard job - but the most rewarding job around. I want everyone to be able to know what that feels like that wants to. And believe me...she wants to.

..................................

I was reading an old friends blog and happened upon another blog...you that are addicted to blogging know how this can happen. Most of the time nothing really amazing comes of it - sometimes you find a great recipe or a funny photo. But every now and then you find something that can change you. For the better.

Tonight I found the blog of a girl I went to high school with. We weren't BFFs or anything like that, so I haven't really stayed in touch with her. She was younger then I was, but we had a class together. she was always sweet, gorgeous, and just a down to earth girl.

As I found her blog, I started reading about her and her cute hub. They recently had a new lil baby boy and I read about that and their fun and cute lives. And then...I read more. I read about how she had been prenant before. And had lost the baby. She had given birth to her 1st, and even had a funeral. As I looked through the photos one of them just tore my mother-heart to pieces. There was a tiny casket? That's what it seemed to be. covered in flowers. The mom kneeling next to it, her husband standing next to her with his hand on her - that image was a powerful messege to me, and I cried as I let it sink in.

Value motherhood. Life is short and you never know when your days of crayons on the wall and constant spills will be over. You never know when the pitter patter of little feet will no longer be heard in your home. Kids grow all too fast. Days like today when my kids were super needy and whiney and "mom" this and "mom" that. I didn't value motherhood as I ought to have. But when I think about how so many women cannot even have children, and so many women have lost their children - how can I not value what I have? I just want to go into my kiddos rooms and snuggle with them. I almost don't care if they wake up (*almost) but I have to say that the most important thing about being a mother is loving what you do.

I love being a mom. I love when Rocky woke up from his nap and we sat there in his room while he snuggled with me and we just talked. We counted his toes. We found our noses and ears. I kissed his nose and ears and he said "MOM! no. kiss." made me laugh. such a funny kid. Then I asked him if he wanted to do some puzzles (his fave thing lately) and he said "yeh. out there.... " and pointed to the living room. So we took the puzzles into the living room and did puzzles until Grace woke up. Then we all wrestled and laughed and I tried to trick them into scratching my back and massaging my feet...haha, they didn't really fall for that. Smarty pants.

I love when Rocky wakes up and he says "mom! mom! MOOOOOM!" He can totally open his door. HE just wants mom to come get him. He just wants mom to hold him. So many times I have been frustrated that he won't just get up and open his door - but now, I hope I will remember the photo and remember how short life can be. Remember how these moments pass before you know it. And I will go and hold him until he wiggles free.

I was having a particularly hard day awhile ago - missing my sister who lives across the country - feeling alone in a way. I left the public place I was in quickly, with my kids, and as soon as we got in the car I started crying. Grace got all worried and concerned, "Mom, why are you so sad?" "I just miss Aunt Emily." "Oh mom, I'm sorry. Don't be sad! We can get on a plane and go see her!" "no grace, it takes a lot of money to do that." "Well...I have money in my piggy bank." "That's sweet, but I don't think it's enough." "hmmm. ok then we can just turn our car into a black plane and go visit her. then you will not be so sad."

I wasn't so sad anymore. Grace had 100% cheered me up. Grace is my friend, my pal. She is weird and funny and sweet and loving.Rocky is a mama's boy. He is the class clown and the sensitive one in the house. He will melt every heart that opens up to him.

I am grateful for the opportunity to have had 2 children. And I hope that I value my sweet moments with each of them as much as I should. They deserve it.

Oh, Em. Gee.

2011-11-10T22:28:00.000-08:00

I cannot even contain my excitement - except for that I am, because I am being VERY quiet as it is after 11 and the kiddos would wake up if I was screaming and running around and pulling out boxes....

so do you want to know what all the fuss is about?

I'll tell you.

My 3rd annual "A Clary Christmas" party!

And this year is going to be the.best.party.i've.ever.thrown.

That's saying something because I've thrown some good parties in my day, for realsies. This year, thanks to my BFF Pinterest (shout out! oh wait, pinterest won't know I'm shouting out to him/her...nevermind!) I have so many amazing ideas, and I am not holding back. I cannot wait!

As we do every year, we will have fabulous treats and this year will have even yummier and more options then before, so it'll be great. We will have the drawing for prizes yet again, and a great hot chocolate station. It's going to be the BOMB!

What's new? These are some ideas, and I haven't decided what I'll for sure, but I kind of want to say I'm going to do ALL of them. I've got a month (The party is Dec 17th.) so I have time to put lots of effort into this. Here are my new ideas!

"Minute-to-win-it" christmas party games - and oh man I found some great ones!
Christmas Sweater contest - everyone wear their most "awesome" christmas sweater.
Photobooth area - everyone that comes gets their photo taken in their sweaters. possibly props will be available?
Prize for best Christmas Sweater
maybe calm things down at the end and sing some christmas carols? on the fence with this one...

Ok so here is my big dilemma - I could make this happen in my lil apartment. but I would have to knock the guest list down by like 50. haha. Or I could get a church gym? or something like that but then I'd have to decorate THAT instead of my home, I'd have to transfer all the food, and I'd have to be out by a certain time and clean up amazingly that night. I never clean up my party until the next day...I'm too tired. haha. So I think writing this has helped me make the decision: it will be in my lil apartment. I will make it work. And it will be fun.

Oh and do you know what the best part is?

YOU ARE INVITED.

true story. Mark your calendars for the best christmas party to ever happen: Dec 17th. A Clary Christmas is coming your way...

You & Me

2011-11-07T14:38:00.000-08:00

I showed you the pic I wanted to do above my bed of the "You & Me" sign right?

Well I've been listening to this song lately that has really got me thinking about James and I. It makes me think about no matter how things are going at different points in our marriage and life etc, as long as we have each other, we're ok. I literally just need him to hold me and sometimes that's it - sometimes that is everything I need to feel better. I haven't felt the need to "feel better" lately, but the song just brings to mind that I have needed that.

I love thinking about we have gone through 4.5 years together and that we have so many more ahead of us. It makes me happy seeing how he interacts with our kids - how he puts forth the effort to be there for his children despite work and school. I love that when I asked what we should do tonight for FHE he said he wanted to take the kids out for ice cream. Simple thing. but I love that he had something that he wanted to do with them, as opposed to just saying "eh, whatever."

I sure love that guy.

I don't know what I'd do without him. I've mentioned before my major fear of losing him at a young age. I don't know if I've told you this before, but James has a heart condition. So far it isn't serious, but the serious part about is is that the cardiologist didn't know what was wrong. He said he hadn't seen an EKG like James' before, etc. I guess that increases my fear of him dying young and also increases my strong feeling that we need to not get overweight and keep his heart as healthy as possible. I never want to have him stressed out, I never want him to be overweight - I need to keep him here, with us, happy and healthy, for as long as possible. And I hope that's a very, very long time.

Whenever I think about losing him - I can't bare it. I can't imagine it. I know so many young fathers who have died, and left a young widow and children on their own. It kills me to imagine what they have to go through. You know that song by Coldplay, "Fix You?" Well, since I'm on a music kick with this post, let's bring that song into it. The line "tears streak down your face, when you lose something you can't replace." man, if there is anything in my life that could not be replaced, it's my amazing husband.

I love that guy. I really do. And you know, he isn't concerned about his heart at all. In fact, he wouldn't even call it a "condition." HE doesn't really like it when I bring it up as if it is a serious thing, either. But to me...it's a big deal. Just thought I'd clarify that.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - You & Me. I'm sure glad there's a "you" in there. Otherwise I'd be a total mess.

Winter Kicks In

2011-11-07T11:27:00.000-08:00

I've never been a fan of winter. I love the holidays, mostly Christmas, but we have new years, thanksgiving, Graces and my birthdays in January - so we have lots of fun things to distract us. However, I am already wanting a vacation. I want to go somewhere. I have zero motivation today to clean and do housework. I don't know what my problem is today, but I tell you what, I found out it would take me 1 days and 16 hours to drive to Orlando to visit my sister, Emily. that would be awesome. I found out that the cheapest flight to florida in the next 6 months would cost our family over a thousand bucks if we all went. I also found out that James has school every.single.day this semester. I found out that he won't really have any vacation time. I found out that UVU doesn't have too many "holidays" that they skip school for.

man I'm bummed. I love LOVE planning parties, vacations, trips, events, etc. I'm starting plans on my christmas party...but I am just so focused on whatever our "big" trip will be next year that I can't do anything else. retarded, I know, but I get these ideas in my head and I have a hard time letting them go until I figure out on my own that they won't work out.

I figured out that it won't work out. and it makes me sad.

But there is nothing I can do about it, and so, time to get up and clean my house so I can feel good about that. Time to begin plans for my christmas party and christmas cards - yes I am one of those people - I love Christmas. It's the best time of year, so why not stretch it out as long as possible? In fact...I think it's time for Christmas music. that should cheer me right up.

happy monday!

It Is Better To Look Up

2011-11-06T21:16:00.000-08:00

Just got our Ensign (LDS church magazine, this months issue has all of the General Conference talks in it) The talk by Elder Carl B Cook is so great. Go read it.

My favorite excerpts are:

"If we, like President Monson, exercise our faith and look to God for help, we will not be overwhelmed with the burdens of life. We will not feel incapable of doing what we are called to do or need to do. We will be strengthened and our lives will be filled with peace and joy."

"As we remember Him (Christ) and trust in His power, we receive strength through His Atonement. It is the means whereby we can be relieved of our anxieties, our burdens, and our suffering. It is the means whereby we can be forgiven and healed from the pain of our sins. It is the means whereby we can receive the faith and strengh to endure all things."

Can I just tell you how much I love general conference? And I love it even more when I can sit and read it instead of trying to watch it while my kids are running around, haha. But seriously, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the true church on this earth. And I can tell you this: I know that. Nothing has brought me more happiness then living the gospel of Jesus Christ. Every good thing in my life is thanks to a loving Heavenly Father, and a forgiving one at that, haha.

Sometimes life is rough, but as this talk goes on to say "It is better to look up."

read it. and have a happy day.

loves.

ps- I did my post for the "Week on Faith" - find the Faith button on the left if you want to go read it.

What's on the Noggin

2011-11-04T14:11:00.000-07:00

So I don't really have anything in particular to blog about today, but I wanted to kind of ramble on as I do - aren't you so excited? Good. You should be.

I'll give you a confession to get thing started: I haven't done dishes in 3 days.

Yeh, I know. And I'm in the middle of doing them right now, believe it or not. So It's going to get done and be fine. But I don't even know how it happened - we've been super busy the last few days, and I kept thinking "oh yeh I need to do the dishes" and then I'd get doing something else. James was definitely frustrated this morning when he couldn't find a clean spoon. that, my friends, is an epic fail.

so I cleaned the house up beautifully, and dishes will be done shortly, and then he will be soooo happy. haha. mostly I will be happy because it was making me crazy.

The nursery kids are going to be singing I Am A Child of God in sacrament meeting on November 20th as part of the primary program. This is going to be 1) amazing 2) crazy and 3) entertaining. So I am excited. I'm just trying to get the kiddos to sing LOUDLY. They know the words...they just are timid lil toddlers...only at singing time though. Not so timid when they are running around screaming. haha.

Grace loves to vacuum. We have a dyson ball, the lil tiny one, and though it's still hard for her, she can push it around and she loves doing it. She asks if she can vacuum! yeh...we're milking that one while we can. Rocky, on the other hand, cries. covers his face with his blanket and says "scared. scared, mom. scary back-voom" it's pathetically adorable. or adorably pathetic? hmmm, I think you get what I'm trying to get at..

My hub is fantastico. He just is so perfect for me and he hates when I say stuff like that. He doesn't think that anyone is "so perfect" for anyone else. But I do. I can tell you that had I married someone else, they would have brought out different things in me. I would probably still be a good person and be happy, but I wouldn't be the version of me that I am now. And I like this version. It's the "clary" version. It's the "5-years-of-living-with-James" version. We just have fun and we are happy. I was talking to a pal recently about how James and I have a really weird relationship. My pal clarified "but that works for you?" I laughed. "Yeh it totally does." We aren't the classic couple, but we wouldn't be "us" if we were.

The halloween candy is almost gone. And I can tell you, it wasn't because my kids have been eating it all day. And I can also tell you that it wasn't James either, he doesn't even like candy. And I will lastly tell you that I am 2 full pounds heavier then I was about, hmmm, 5 days ago...

I love candy.

I've been talking to Grace lately about when she was born. She's very interested in the story so I've told it to her many times. Today I showed her pictures of before and after the birth. I showed her this pic of James holding her. I told her that was his first time holding her and that he was super happy. She asked why he was super happy? I said it was because we just loved her so much and we were so exicted to finally meet her. I told her that I remember I held her for the first time and I cried and said "Hey Grace. i'm so glad to finally meet you. I love you." And she asked why I cried? I tried explaining that sometimes people cry when they are just SO SO SO happy - I don't think she understood.

These are a couple of the pics I showed her. I can't believe how much she doesn't look like that anymore. haha. I also can't believe that she will be 4 in January. It's cliche because it's true: time flies.

OMG I haven't even told you about my race yet! Well it'll have to wait. My dishes are waiting to be finished and then it's either naptime or office-work time. I think I'll try and sneak both in there. haha. :o)

Happy Friday!

A Week on Faith

2011-11-03T22:06:00.000-07:00

My sister-in-law, Diane, has decided to have "A Week on Faith." She has asked quite a few guest writers (myself included, ha) to write a post about faith and each day she will post one of those entries. I think this is a great thing she is doing and I am excited to be apart of it.

but I have to say...I have been thinking about this topic for the last week kind of a lot. And I have so many different thoughts about it then I don't even know where to start. Good thing I have a few more days before I have to send in my post.

So please notice the "Week on Faith" button to the left side of my blog and take a look at her blog.

Happy Thursday!

You Probably Think This Song Is About You

2011-11-01T22:57:00.000-07:00

This post has no point to it. It has no deep meaning. This is simply about my day.

So you know how when you're a mom you don't really feel super hot all the time? I mean, you feel pretty when you dress up and your hub says "you look pretty." And you feel really gorgeous when....um...I can't think of a time, but I'm certain there are times. haha. just kidding. I don't normally feel ugly - maybe once every now and then I feel ugly, but most of the time I am fine with how I look. I'm no model. I'm not fashion forward by any means with how I dress or style my hair. But I try not to be dumpy. James says I look like I work out a lot because I wear yoga pants almost every day. And I think hey, nothin wrong with looking like I'm working out. Almost as good as actually doing it, right?

But for reals, if you are like me, you wear your sweats more then your jeans when you're around your own home doing mom/housewife things. I don't get my nails done, I don't get facials or anything like that done. I have the quickest make-up routine anyone ever saw (seriously 5 minutes is my absolute max on makeup) and my hair tends to be up in a pony tail or messy bun. Actually, the hair thing, let me explain - Day one: shower, blow dry, straighten. Day 2: no shower, pull bangs back into a lil poof, hair still down first half of day. hair up second half. Day 3: hopefully a shower, but if not, bangs up, hair up, hairsprayed to death so no gross hair falls out of place while I'm doing dishes or mopping the floor. haha. It sounds gross but I really HATE HATE washing my hair and drying it and straightening it. because it's just a lot of effort that seems wasted. I mean...James loves me in my sweats and ugly hair-dos just as much as he loves me in my tight jeans and fancy hair...so what's the point?

sweats are more comfy. ugly hair is easier.

win-win in my book.

Welp - I don't know - today was just interesting when it comes to reactions to my appearance. Nothing crazy like when this happened, but...yeh...here we go:

1) I had a photo shoot today...but I was on the other side of the camera this time! haha, shocker, I know. My pal is in charge of advertising and marketing for BYU Independent study, so she asked if I could come model for her for one of the shoots she was setting up for a conference coming up (they need some flyers for it or something.) The best part about this is that I am representing the section of independent study that is for HS drop-outs who come back to get their G.E.D through BYU. hahahaha. I know, right? Totally me. Anyway, it was fun. She told me what to wear and how to do my hair (straightened and down, swoopy bangs. this was a challenge because it rained/snowed, and I seriously have frizz bomb curly hair if it gets wet at all...so...I lived in an umbrella while I ran errands before the shoot. it was hilarious) Anyway, I didn't think I looked that great, but I did what I could. When I arrived, the nice guy at the front desk was very helpful and slightly attentive. Nothing specific, just nice. The shoot was fun, and easy, just relaxed. We enjoyed ourselves to say the least. all in all, it was fun and the pics looked good. win-win.

2) When I went to pick James up from work, I went in to get him, at his office in the front, but he wasn't there. So I had to walk all the way to the back to find him, which I don't normally do. As we left he said "I just saw ____ check you out....twice." I kind of freaked out and said..."who is that?" I was feeling flattered ...but then he showed me who it was. the creepy-perv in their building that hits on all the young girls that work there. gross. it made me want to wear a bunch of baggy clothes. Where's my mu-mu? it actually made me feel gross. and slightly violated.

3) My wedding ring is too big. I took it to get re-sized and they said it wouldn't be done until thursday. Later, my sister and my mom and I went out to Red Mango for funsies. The boy, and I do mean boy, he was definitely pre-mish! was very nice. attentive. friendly. flirtatious even? And he kept talking to me well after I was done paying etc. I didn't think much of it, I kind of noticed it, but I thought "he wasn't flirting with me, he knows I'm married." then my mom and sister said that they had noticed and that he totally liked me. I kind of laughed, but then realized...I didn't have my ring on! And i didn't have my hub or my kids either! So this kid really did think I was single! haha. It was hilarious.

But it made me realize something that kind of made me feel kind of good...a little bit great, even - I've still got it. I don't know why it matters...but it's nice to know that I'm not just a frumpy mom. I knew I could look good. But I guess I didn't even realize that anyone else noticed how I looked. I know I'm sounding SO FREAKIN vain right now, and I'm sorry. but I gotta say it guys, it's nice to know I can turn people's heads. I thought James was the only one looking. Thankfully, he is the only one that matters, but it's definitely a compliment, and I'll take it as such.

On a side note, James insists that women dress up for other women more then for their own hubs, BFs etc. They like to show each other that they are dressed cute in the latest fashiones, etc or want to show off their new purse. I admit, I can kind of see that, but when I go to his work looking good, it's not for his secretary. It's for him. I want him to look at me and be like "boo ya. that's my wife."

I'm Being Serious

2011-10-31T21:10:00.000-07:00

...or at least...I need to be.

I was venting to my pal Shannan last night how I have no.freakin.clue how to have serious conversations with my 3 yr old. How do you answer questions like "why do you have hair on your bum?" um....I stand there drying off after my shower with a stunned face...she continues... "will I have hair on my bum when I'm a mommy?" hmmmm.... I twist my face in odd ways as I try to wrap my mind around what my daughter is asking me..."why do you have an owie on your bum?" can' t I have a moment of peace in the bathroom, ever?!!? it's a period! "what are these?" etc, etc, etc

I'm more prone to just tell it like it is- so I say "yes when you're a mom, you will have these things." "Those are called nipples. everyone has them." (thanks for that teaching tip, seinfeld)

but I struggle. is this the best way to deal with these things? what about when she asks me where babies come from? I'm certain it's not far away with all the questions her growing mind is coming up with lately. I don't feel the need to tell her that until she is older, but it just stresses me out a little bit. should I just answer these questions with "I'll tell you when you're older,"? I mean, the thing that I believe is that I'd rather she got the answers from me then someone else, and I always always want my kids to know they can ask me anything. I think those ideas and comforts begin now. If I can't answer her questions when she is 3 why would she trust that I'll answer them when she is 7? or 10? or 15? I want to be the kind of mom that is straight foward and honest. But it's just hard to know where to draw the line, because, hello! definitely need to make things age approproate at the same time, you know what I'm saying?

She is my first kid. She is unfortunately, the guinea pig to my trial and errors with parenting. Most things I feel like you can just figure out. Most things the average idiot (because lets face it, I feel like an idiot when I have no sleep and have mommy mush brain!) can find a way to make things work, or at least get by. They don't even have to do things well - but these serious conversations...these big questions...I can't just "get by" on these.

It's time to talk about "privates" and all that, and I just don't feel ready. I know it's not really that big of a deal but for some reason, I am seriously dreading having this conversation. hopefully the "where do babies come from?" doesn't come for awhile so I can have a break between the anxiety attacks of having these serious conversations. like...she should ask that in a few years. that would be ideal for me. that would work really well with my schedule.

kids have a mind of their own...and that mind is definitely on its own schedule!

ugh. just thinking about this gave me a headache. thank goodness I've got Dr Pepper in my fridge...

Gotta Be The Good Life

2011-10-24T23:03:00.000-07:00

You know, I have to just throw it out there:

my life is pretty damn good.

Seriously, I've just been thinking about life a lot today and how...it's just good. My house isn't always clean, we don't always have the yummiest dinners, and I definitely forget to look my best more often then not. But the important things...are so good right now.

Now I'm wanring you, I'm feeling rather sentimental at the moment, so don't mind all my gushing over things...

Family. Just had a great weekend with family on both sides. pictures to come, but to say the least it was a lot of fun and made me really love and appreciate the fact that families are forever. Then I think even more about that and I think about my awesome hubster and our crazy kiddos I just can't get enough of - I just love it. I love them. and I love the life that we have all together. I love that tonight consister of Grace going to dance class at 4:00, rocky and I dropped her off and then hung out with Dad at work until 4:45, where we all went to pick up Grace together and tell her how pretty she is when she dances. Then we went home, James cut his hair and then we both helped cut rocky's hair. They got showered off while I cleaned up the mess, and then we all headed out to Carl's Jr for dinner (busy day, no groceries....fast food is the result. this is why food storage is a good idea people. it's for nights like this, not the end of the world. haha.) Anyway, the kids just played in the play place and James and I sat there for a long time and just talked and talked. Then our kids got lost in the play place and couldn't find the slide to get down...that was hilarious. We had to try and talk them towards the slide...and they kept just turning around and going other directions. haha. Then off to Wal-Mart for some groceries and stuff to paint pumpkins, which we did once we got home.

I don't know why. Those are simple, everyday things. They really aren't "special" by any means. but it just made me love them so much. I loved that Rocky just let me hold him after his shower, all wrapped up in his towel. I just stodd there and rocked him until he wanted to get down and wiggle free.

If everyday were as simple and happy as today - I could be happy all the time.

Guess what? Most of the time, days are that simple.

This has gotta be the good life. No lie. I'm just realizing that people talk about that "time of their life" when this or that happened, and I'm telling you right now - I'm living it. I am in the moment.Sure there are those days. The bad ones. The busy ones. The pull-your-hair-out-and-scream-days. But honestly, they are few and far between.

I am so glad that heavenly father guided us to where we are now and that He blessed us with our beautiful children and blessed me with a hub that makes me better and happy.

Family. It's the most important thing. Don't ever put anything before it. Don't ever think there is anything better. Don't ever forget to value the family you have.

I love my family.

Keep Calm & Carry On

2011-10-20T14:44:00.000-07:00

Pinterest really has brought me some sweet finds. One of which was this ever-needed reminder:

It's been one of those days. Rocky has been unusally sad and needy, crying most of the day. Grace has been very disobedient. And of course it's the day that things go wrong in the office, and the day I'm in charge of the cooking enrichment. I'm hosting it at my house, halloween themed, lots of fun things to make. all of which have not been working out as I had hoped. And then I started listening to some calm music while my kids were finally quiet in their rooms, rocky asleep, Grace doing everything she can to NOT go to sleep, but still quiet. Thank goodness. And then I remembered this sign. And literally, it took about 5 seconds for me to calm down.

So I've decided to make this sign and hang it right in my kitchen. Afterall, that's where my stress levels seem to increase the most. The kitchen is where I try new things and fail. The kitchen is where I try to be a good housewife and make a meal that everything is hot at the same time...usually resulting in things burning or boiling over in my pathetic attempts. It's where I am late with dinner and my kids are pulling on me and attacking because they are hungry and all I want to do (and many times actually do) is yell at them to "stop attacking me! go out! The kitchen is closed! I will tell you when the food is ready!" In those moments, I think I could really use a sign that told me to keep calm, and carry on.

sometimes, that's all I need to hear.

On a random note, another fantastic find on pinterest that I am definitely adding to my bedroom (did I show this to you already? I can't remember and I'm too lazy to go back and check my older posts.)

during my hectic afternoon, James was home for lunch and I started railing on him about the kids getting cupcakes and how could he let that happen?!!? And he said "Hun, I know you're frustrated...." and that's all it took. I gave him a hug, apologized, and he just held me, snuck a few kisses here and there and told me to have a good day and that it was OK.

You & Me.

Thanks goodness it's not just me.

God knows I'd be a mess without You in there.

Eaves Dropping

2011-10-14T10:48:00.000-07:00

"Gracie! Gracie!" Rocky called as he tried to open the pantry door and get a snack.

"No, Rock, we're not having a snack right now.We are going to have lunch in just a second when daddy comes home for lunch and dinner and all those yummy things."

"Lunch!"

"No, Rock, not right now. you have so many things you can do. You can color with me, or you can play with your cars, or you can dance to music or count the ABCs....which do you want to do, Rock?"

"um.....no."

"Well... do you want to color the kitty book? I got 10 pieces for you from the kitty book."

"Yeh! color! kitty!" ........he stays standing by the pantry door....."Gracie?"

That conversation just happened and I loved it. Grace is such a lil mom/boss. Rocky has started calling her GracIE - we never ever call her that. He came up with that one all on his own, and it's adorable. The other day he was trying to put stickers into the sticker book and couldn't do it very well so he said "Need help, Gracie! Need help!" And she willingly helped him out.

Grace always starts sentences with "well..." and I have no idea what she meant when she told him she had 10 pieces for him...whatever, he seemed to like the idea.

Could two kids be any cuter? I assure you, no.

They are the cutest.

ever.

end of story.

Change

2011-10-13T14:04:00.000-07:00

So I was talking with my sister-in-law about hair cuts. I explained that I've wanted to chop my hair for awhile now, but I am so determined to have long pretty hair for at least a couple months (I'm not there yet, so itll be awhile still...) and then I plan to chop it all off. So we were looking at old pictures of dif. hairstyles I've had before.

when I chop my hair off (prob next summer?) I want to have really extreme side swopped bangs, that's just kind of my fave and always has been. And then I want it short short and crazy so I can spike it all up, kind of a girly version of a fauxhawk - very messy look, really. but the bangs are nice and swoopy in the front. Can you picture this? I hope Chantelle (I always have her do my hair) can picture it next summer...haha.

Anyway I looked at this photo ,and I loved this hairstyle - it was a lot of fun. but it only worked for awhile because once it grew at all, it was too long to style the right way.

Then after looking at that photo for awhile, I thought

holy cow my family has changed.

just check out one of our many adorable family photos we got taken about a month and a half ago! Big difference. time flies. it really really does.

Sleep-Talking

2011-10-09T23:17:00.000-07:00

Grace talks in her sleep.

and it is entertaining as hell. I don't know why I said that - I doubt hell is very entertaining at all. but anyway...

last night she came in and slept on our floor during the night. She does this if she wakes up in the middle of the night - I throw a pillow on the floor, and she just goes to sleep by my side of the bed on the floor. Well, she started talking multiple times during the night. She mentioned fishing...she mentioned tangled...she mentioned cereal....

but tonight, I went in after she had fallen asleep reading the Ensign, no less (what can I say? I just have a really advanced child spiritually hahaha.) Actually she just likes looking at the pics in it. I turned her lamp off, and started her CD over again, took her magazine and books off her bed, adjusted her so her leg wasn't stuck anymore, and covered with blankets...she opened her eyes for a moment, so I thought I had woken her up with all this moving around - but no. Her eyes close and she said "are we going swimming now?" I giggled and said "no, we're not going swimming." and then she said "i think so."

funny girl. love her.

random confession: I failed miserably with dinner tonight and was so upset by it that I then I refused to eat it. I ate about 5 handfuls of candy corn instead. James and Grace still ate it, but Rocky opted for the candy corn. why the word "corn" is even associated with that waxy sugary addicting candy, I will never know.

October Bucket List

2011-10-07T09:47:00.000-07:00

So there are a lot of fun things that go on around this time of year (as long as "this time of year" means autumn and not winter, as it has been threatening with teasers of snow...) Either way, there are some things I definitely want to do with my family and kiddos before winter truly does kick in. And please, if you have any other fun ideas or know of activities going on, let me know. I would love more ideas! Thanks.

Go to Aussie Pink Floyd concert on Oct 8th with James. Oh wait...that's not a halloween thing. But we ARE going to Aussie Pink Floyd. We went last year, and it was rad. This year, I am more stoked then ever. can. not. wait.
Decorate cheap masks from Joanns - they have these wooden lil masks you hold up in front of your face, and you can paint them or just use markers and crayons...doesn't matter. The kids and I picked out some and plan to decorate those for FHE. Grace got a kitty, Rocky got a pumpkin, and I got James and I a lil indian boy and girl. should make for a good time.
Pumpkin Patch at Vinyard. My mom always takes all the grandkids (and the mommies go too) to the pumpkin patch. Then everyone gets to pick out a pumpkin, and it's like a halloween gift from Gma. The kids love it. We aren't sure when it's going on this year, but if we can make it, we will definitely be there. And if not, we might just make our own solo trip for funsies.
Not so halloween-esche, but in the Ensign they had a section where it has a picture from the Book of Mormon and a little paragraph summing up that little part of scripture. James and I have decided that each night before family prayer (starting tonight, so we'll see if we stick with it or not. always coming up with great ideas that last for 2 days and then deplete to nothing) we want to read about one of the little summaries and show our kids the picture. Probably a 30 second thing, and our kids may not understand much of what we tell them, but I think it will help get us in the mode of family scripture study a little bit better.
Go on a drive up the canyon and pull over here and there to collect really gorgeously colored leaves. Then (thanks to pinterest yet again) we plan to dip the leaves in wax and hang them around. Hopefully we'll have the proper result. :o) I've been talking to Grace about "fall" and leaves changing colors, etc. She's starting to see the leaves change and is getting excited. I love that she's noticing the changes going on around here and enjoying how beautiful this time of year can be.
Decorate pumpkins - buy a bunch of little pumpkins, put round stickers on them, pain them, and then peel the stickers off to make some cute halloween decor. The kids will have fun helping with that.
Try fall receipes: I'm in charge of the cooking enrichment this month - so of course I'm going with a halloween theme and my kids will have to deal with all my trials. we are going to try the mummys (hot dog with douch wrapped around like a mummy), string cheese made to look like fingers, candy witch hatchs, and a pumpkin cake made from two bundt cakes put together. Not to mention carmel apple cider, or regular carmel apples even. How cool is that? All ideas from pinterest. seriously.
Barnyard Boo! This is a less scary event made more for toddler-aged kiddos. It's at thanksgiving point. We went 2 years ago? Or maybe it was last year? I can't remember, but either way, it was a lot of fun, and our kids are old enough now that they could do a lot more of the actvities, so it's a must, fo sho.
Paint BIG pumpkins - we don't carve pumpkins around here. too much work, too much mess, and the kids can't wait long enough for the fun part.
Pick out halloween costumes. We plan to have Grace and rocky be Minnie and Mickey Mouse. And we were going to attempt being Donald and Daisy duck. However...I think those costumes for James and I are too complex. I'll pay for the kids costumes, but I don't want to spend money on our costumes and I really do not know how to come up with donald and daisy duck. However...I think it could be fun if both girls were minnie and both boys were mickey? Grace is insisting that "uncle Jay will be floodoo." floodoo=pluto, Mickey's dog. We'll have to let Jay know...
Trick or treating. We tend to go to the mall, but we'll see how the weather is this year.
Gmas Halloween Party - My mom always has a Halloween party that includes playing in all her piles of leaves in her yard. She has like tons of trees, so there are leave everywhere. The kids love it, and it makes for some fun photos as well.
Fall Photoshoot. Since I'm cutting back on my photo shoots, this means I get to actually set up shoots for my own children. Imagine that. I'm excited to get them in some cute fall clothes, go up the canyon a lil ways and shoot away...with my camera. It'll be fun. And it needs to be like soon, before more snow ruins our chances, if it hasn't ruined it already.
Go to BYU game. This maybe isn't that exciting for you, but as BYU football fans for years and never, an dI am serious - we have NEVER been to a game - this is very very exciting for us. Oct 22nd.
Have Richard and Mindy visit! We plan to hang out as much as we can with them, do a photoshoot for her family and their own lil family, go on a date night with them and just have a good 'ole time.
Pride and Prejudice Party: yes the long version. It is the best version of all, and must be watched at least once a year if not more. My sister in law requested a girls night and P&P party for her Birthday. It might be one of the things I am most excited about this month....next to eh BYU game. See what a well-rounded person I am? haha.
Halloween Half-Marathon. Yeh, I never know why I sign up for these things as the time gets closer. I always say I will train better and harder - but the problem is, I know I can suffer through it without training, so I tend to slack in training, and then literally suffer through it and suffer for the next 2 weeks after it. I still have 3 weeks. 8 miles for saturday. 9 for the next saturday. 10 for the one after that. and then it's the race. I can do it. I can. can't i?

Wow. October is jam-packed full. I can't believe it, it's going to fly by. It seems like every month flies by. You know november will be busy, getting ready for thanksgiving and christmas, black friday, etc. December is just a blur every year. January is birthday month around here, so lots goes on and keeps us busy. I think life will be busy until February. But this is a great time of year. I am so excited. In fact...i think we are going to the store soon to pick up all these things so we can start working on our fun halloween activities. :)

Naked Bums & Paintbrushes

2011-10-06T18:55:00.000-07:00

Well I'm gonna just lay it out here for ya:

I'm not creative.

Not on my own. I need someone to tell me their awesome ideas, and then I can carry them out. So since the weather has been less awesome lately, and since I've been trying to not just "go out shopping" while James is at school, my kids and I have been trying to figure out what in the world to do with our evenings. I mean, since I cut the TV time and took Grace's TV out of her room, and we can't go to the park or play outside (cold, rain, snow, we are wimps) we've had to get creative.

but wait...I'm not creative.

That's why I am even more excited about my love affair with Pinterest. Now let me say first, that there are ideas on there that I am like "oh gosh, housewives, you have gone too far." or things I want to re-pin into a board called "most retarded thing ever." And you know, there was one that I saw where you get cool whip and food color it different colors and let your kids paint in the tub with it. I thought that seemed clever, but too much work and mess. I did not re-pin this item.

Then today happened. We had an hour of TV. We had stories, twice. We had breakfast, lunch, and dinner. We played with every toy we own. We colored. We learned how to spell our names. We did so many things today. but still...it was only 6:30. Bedtime wasn't until 8-9. I had a lot of time to kill. And with James being gone, it makes it that much more difficult - usually he helps come up with things we can do as a fam. So I let the kids watch one more show - I knew it would backfire though. Grace fell asleep. No toddler should ever take a nap that close to their bedtime. It means they will be up. For. Ev. Er.

I tried to just pick her up and talk to her and I even got her to sit up all by herself. straight up. And she sat there. still completely asleep. So in desperation, I attacked her, and Rocky helped me. We tickled her, and wrestled her, kissed her, and i'm fairly certain Rocky sat on her about 5 times. We made her very mad, but it was really the only option at this point. I could see that there was nothing she wanted to do - we had done it all already. So without thinking I said "Grace, I am going to do something soooooo cool, you're not gonna want to miss this. Will you do it with me?"

Her interest was peeked and she said "what is it?" I told her it was awesome and to strip down and climb in the tub. (this sounds terrible...) She quickly obeyed. rocky saw me pull out the cool whip, and he climbed in his chair at the table. He even got a spoon. I dyed the different bowl fulls, and got two large brushes from my craft box. I had no idea how this would turn out but if it meant Grace would stay awake until bed time, then it was worth it. rocky cried and cried as I carried the bowls of cool whip past him at the table and took them to the tub. I told him to come and join in the fun.

didn't have to ask him twice, that's for sure. stripped him down, put him in there with his paint brush and let them go to town.

It's almost 8:00. They had a good 35 minutes of painting. 10 minutes of "washing the walls" and are now in a real bath with bubbles playing happily.

Thank you, Pinterest. Thank you housewives for going overboard. Thank you people with retarded ideas, I love them!

Negative

2011-10-05T17:32:00.000-07:00

sometimes I hate people.

the end.

Pinteresting Emotions

2011-10-02T22:05:00.000-07:00

Pinterest.

Yeh. That's what I've been doing for the last 30 minutes, and I've enjoyed every minute of it - immensly! (thanks Haley for the invite!) I have so many great ideas now of things I want to do for my house, and with my kids rooms, I have some awesome ideas thanks to Megan Sonnenberg (erickson, for you PHS peeps) for halloween crafts, decor, and treats! And I totally plan on making them all. Also, shout out to Ashley Rowberry - loved your boards, repinned many of your items. I am just loving this!!!

And for those of you who don't know this - I'm slightly obsessed with vinyl and making boards with sayings and quotes, etc on them. I love it, and I've had a lot of fun with it. And now after seeing all the fun boards and quotes that people have on pinterest, I have so many MORE sayings I want around my house.

...

today was the last day of general conference. and when Thomas S Monson got up and announced that the Provo tabernacle would be the second utah temple, I got teary eyed - how freaking exciting is that?!!? I'll tell you - exciting. freaking exciting. does that answer your question? good.

And don't get me wrong on this...but conference talks, mixed with pinterest and all the quotable quotes I was reading (many of which were by president GBH),and many of which were about being a mom and raising kids and babies, etc... and then add in that graces primary music is playing in the background while she is falling asleep in her room... resulted in the following emotions:

1) I miss President Hinkley. kind of a lot. kind of more then a lot. It makes me sad whenever conference happens that I don't get to hear a talk from him. Now don't get me wrong here peeps - I know that President Monson is the prophet and I know that what he says is inspired and comes straight from our Heavenly Father - but there is something about President Hinkley that just got me. every. single. time. It was always exactly what I needed to hear. It always hit the spot - but not in a negative way. I never felt badly, I always felt invigorated to do better and love the journey. I still get feelings like that, but it comes and goes from different speakers and at different times. I just miss him and his way of speaking. I really do.

2) if there is any other way to say "I am baby hungry" then please tell me, because I hate hate HATE that phrase. I'm not eating the thing. But...there it is. I want a lil' baby. I am loving the stages my kids are in, and we seriously have been having so much fun. But I babysat a bunch of kiddos the other day and though it was insane, and more then I would want myself, you should have seen how Grace and Rocky were with that lil' baby. They loved feeding her, giving her her pacifier, sharing their toys and blankets with her - they weren't that way with the other kids...just the lil' babe. Rocky was especially sweet, and not jealous at all. I think he has already de-tatched from mom. He has stopped giving hugs and kisses. He has stopped cuddling with me. He has stopped all those baby-ish things. And although I honestly can say tha tI love his ornery attitude (it's hilarious!) for example: "Rocky can I have a hug?" He scowls at me and say s"NO! No. hugs. mommy!" and he storms away. I laugh every time because it's so funny to me...but it does leave me left with wanting a little cuddle bug again.

To make an extrememly long story short...we will not be having a baby anytime soon, unfortunately. And obviously I won't be hearing any new talks from Gordon B Hinkley either. However...I can read his old talks. I can hang quotes from him around my home that inspire me still. And I can love love LOVE my kids and husband more than ever while I am not preoccupied with a little newborn. I know that whenever the times comes that we do have #3, I will probably be sickly. I will probably complain. I will probably be ornery from lack of sleep. So while I can get a full nights rest, and have energy to run and play and be a fun mother with my two adorable toddlers...I'm going to. I'm really excited about this too. As much as I want a baby, I honestly love being able to have 2 kiddos that we can just get up and go and play with and have fun with and joke around with. They are at an amazing stage and honestly...they bring me so much joy, as does my hub, every single day.

i love my family. and though life has thrown us quite a few curve balls over the years, I sure am glad we are where we are right now. it's a great place. a happy place.

Wednesday Jitters

2011-09-28T13:31:00.000-07:00

TMI is my middle name. Just thought you would want to know that.

I had so many things planned to get done today. And then, I woke up. I had the msot extreme pain in my lower back, I thought I was going into labor. I hobbled to the bathroom and discovered that it was just mother nature kicking in earlier then expected. Seriously, though? I have been in so much freaking pain all day. And it's just like contractions where they go in and out and it hits a really terrible point and then it dies off for a few minutes. It's awful. And my "cramps" have been this way ever since I had Rocky and all my contractions were in my back for his labor. Thanks, Rock. Every month I'm reminded how much more pain I felt during your birth. Thanks for that.

Grace just asked me why I was eating MORE fruitsnacks... my answer? "Because I have an addiction problem." She looked at me sympathetically and said "oooh I'm sorry." Me too babe - 80 calories a pack and I've downed at least 3 in a 5 minute period. It's a real problem.

The kids fed the fish with James. But this time, they spilled the flakey stinky fish food all over the floor, counter, and into drawers. As if I already wasn't getting things checked off of my list, let's just add some more things on there to not get done. There is still fish food all over in that corner. I'm writing this blog to avoid the inevitable...

The new facebook does not bother me anymore. It did. but then I realized I liked it. The end.

My neighbor and good pal Shannan NIelson has started her own photography business. As you peeps know, I am calming my own business down, so I have NO problem promoting her work. But seriously, her stuff is A-mazing. IT's 100xs better then mine. Granted we have totally different styles, she is all about props and setting up the scene...I like to keep it clean and simple. But she needs help getting her name out there, so if you could be a sweet lil dear and "like" her page on facebook that would be great. And then if you could be even more awesome and share her page on your page asking others to like it as well...I would probably make you cookies. Probably. Which means there's definitely a chance of you actually getting cookies, so you know...sounds like a sweet deal to me.

So check it out!

I have a twitch in my cheek, my right eye, and my right arm. trippy.

Parenthood was on last night. I love DVR so much I could marry it. It means that during the kids naps, I am going to Iron James shirt for his class presentation tonight (not the fun part) but THEN I am going to lay down, with something delicious to drink, and watch Parenthood in peace and quiet. I am stoked. Time to get the kiddos in bed so I can get started on that....

Motherhood Is...

2011-09-22T14:42:00.000-07:00

...everything.

As I recently told you, I am trying to calm my life down, trying to focus more on my family, etc. And can I just tell you how happy it makes me? It makes me SO happy. And I just wanted to share with you all how doing the things I have to do every day as a mother are so much more fulfilling then anything else I do. I tend to be long winded, so I'll try the list format and see if that helps me keep this shorter for your sake.

What I love lately about being a mom....

I love going to the store, and picking out things to make with my kids. Like things to make Grace a tutu, and then making it with her while Rocky takes a nap.
Rocky is just hilarious. I love just laying down on the floor and watching him playing, and occassionally playing too. though most of the time, he would rather I didn't. ha.
I love putting a good meal on the table. I love having the time to put a good meal on the table.
I love taking the kids for walks.
I love when I am great at hygeine! haha. this sounds funny but soemtimes my kids nails need cutting and I don't do it. And their ears need cleaning, and I put it off. But you know, I've started being really awesome about baths daily (as opposed to every other day) and brushing teeth every day (I know, I should have been good at that, because I would never go somewhere without brushing my own teeth,) but yeh, Grace's two front teeth are yellow and it's all my fault and I am learning from my mistakes and brushing! a lot! And my kids look lovely. Not scrubby like they have the last 2 months.
I love that I took Grace's TV out of her room last night, and put in a CD player for her to listen to primary music instead of watching a movie as she falls asleep.
I love that the kids haven't watched one second of TV yet today. (I say yet because I know it will happen...) and that they only watched ONE show last night. In a house where the kiddos have become all too fond of movies and the disney channel, this is a miracle. And it is a good one. (are there bad miracles?!!?) It is so easy for them to be TV bums, and made it easy for me have los of time to work, to edit photos, and do the chores. However...lots of screen time is bad. I know this. And now I'm finally doing something about it. boo ya.
I love that I finally got my kids caught up with their immunizations and that their well-checks went well! It's been over a year since we've been to the DR so it was a much needed visit.
I love that I finally got Rocky's room organized and decorated and that HE loves it too!
I love that Grace is a big helper. She has been helping me cook dinner and lunches. She helps me clean up the backyard and water the lawn. She helps Rocky find his shoes. She's kind of my right hand man, in a sense.
I love that Rocky puts his hand under his door to let me know when he is awake. He doesn't knock on his door. He doesn't scream or cry. He doesn't even attempt to open the door himself. I'll walk by his door and suddenly see a lil hand appear and see him wiggling his fingers until I open the door.
I love that Grace "reads" stories to Rocky. some of her stories are better then the ones written in the book she's "reading."
I love when James comes home, and I've accomplished a lot, yet i'm not stressed out. I love when he comes home and the kids yell excitedly "daddy's home!!!" and they run and give him big hugs.

Simplify.

What a powerful thing has been for our home and family this past week. I have seen amazing improvements already and I am excited to see more. I am just happy with the direction we are taking with our use of time and the focus our family is trying to have.

Refreshing

2011-09-19T22:38:00.000-07:00

I loved watching this because it made me realize something that I've feared impossible for awhile - that you can be in love and cute and flirtatious even when you are 80 yrs old. I had seen so many marriages fall apart at different stages of life and for different reasons. Even the elderly people that I know in our ward and such - they seem like they get along, but they aren't....cute. They don't appear...in love. And I just really wanted to know that the love and the friendship and yes even the passion wouldn't just die away with life, time, and age. I wanted to know that it really could last forever. So when I saw this, it honestly made me so happy. I mean it's really just a video showing what these two are like when they are just at home by themselves, and it really made me hope that James and I are as fun and cute as this couple is. They really are adorable.

Now I should say that I have seen plenty of marriage work out and be happy too, but it seems like all I hear about sometimes is marriages falling apart, you know what I mean? And it kills me. So this video I found very refreshing

Now I know what I want to be when I grow up.
here's to happily ever afters

We Don't Need No Education

2011-09-13T11:09:00.000-07:00

The person who can tell me what that title comes from wins a prize.

So I just noticed on my facebook that it says I "studied graduating at UVSC." I cannot stop laughing about this. I really tried hard guys. I studied how to graduate and everything, but you know, that major just isn't for everyone. That's why I don't have a degree.

But actually, I kind of wanted to tell you about my education a little bit, and how I ended up where I am.

So in high school, my plan was to become a movie director. Like fo reals. I am not even kidding, video was my life and I loved it. What I had a hard time coming to terms with was that I honestly wasn't very good at it. I was fine, but I didn't stand out. However, I loved it! And that was all that mattered to me. I always said that I wanted a career that I loved because I wanted to love what I had to do every single day.

I wanted to get into BYU for that reason only - they have a great film program. So when I took my ACT the first time, I kind of went in cold-turkey, I like to say. As in, I didn't study, I didn't eat breakfast, and I didn't get more than 5 hours of sleep the night before. I then got a 23. Knowing that my GPA of 3.6 wouldn't be enough to get me into BYU with that kind of an ACT score, I was determined to take it again and ace it. I studied a lot - I had flashcards, the Kaplan online program, I took the prep class at provo high - I got 8 hours of sleep, ate a healthy breakfast AND took snacks. I felt so much more prepared for the test this time.

however

this was my senior year that I was re-taking the ACT. And my senior year...I did not take any sort of math class. This was my downfall.

I remember the day I got my ACT scores back. I remember Kylen and I think Teri were at my house when I got my score. I opened in front of them only because I assumed it would mean time to celebrate my good score. How wrong I was. I opened it, and what was my score?

23

again.

I was so mad! And the reason I was so mad was because I really had improved in every.single.area of the test by at least 2 points or more. But the math...I had fallen so far down on my math score that it had made my overall score the exact.same.score. Kylen and Teri then tried to console me as I cried and got mad and threw a fit in my kitchen. But right then, I decided I wasn't taking it again (I had heard they look down on you taking it more then two times) but thinking about it now, if I improved that much in all those other areas, all I would have needed to do was study the math a lot more and keep reviewing the other stuff, and I bet I could have gotten a lot better. but whatever. I didn't. 23 was my score.

So when I applied to BYU, I really didn't think I would get in. So I started making plans to go to BYUIdaho anyway. As expected, I received a rejection letter from BYU. It didn't bother me because my new plan was to go to BYU-Idaho and get my generals done, and then transfer to BYU for my bachelors and hopefully get into their film program at that time. Then about 2 weeks later I received another letter from BYU. I wondered what it could be - they had already rejected me, what more did they want? I opened it, and what did I see? Another rejection letter. Identical to the one they had already sent me. Thanks cougars. Thanks for that. I think I get the point - I am not going to your school, don't worry. Please don't send me any more letters. Thanks.

after talking with Betty Jo about being my roomie in Idaho, and finding a place to live, I was excited. things were going to work out just like I had planned. However, You have to declare your major, even though I wasn't planning on staying there for the full 4 years. so I just said communications because it seemed like something that could be helpful in any career choice.

It wasn't until my 2nd or 3rd semester there that I looked at some of my major classes and they sounded interesting so I Took a few of them just for kicks.I took Photojournalism and some media class that taught you photoshop and a few other programs. My job at the time was the Video Head for the activities department. It sounds a lot fancier then it was - I made the commercials and highlight videos for the school. And being the "head" really meant that I was the only person. I didn't have a team I was over or anything, it was just me. ha. So I was excited to be getting experience in my desired field, and planned on transferring to BYU in another year or so.

The media class was amazing. I loved it. I wish I could remember my teachers name. He was seriously the best most humble teacher ever. Super understanding and it was amazing to see how he incorporated the gospel into a media class. He was fantastic and I loved it.

As for my photojournalism class, I was not impressed. Our teacher taught half-heartedly and seemed bored with his own subject. I spent most of the time texting James and I still didn't miss a thing. But then - he invited an actual photo journalist to come and talk to us. This man changed my freakin world. He showed us how he had followed certain events and the photos were stunning. But the most powerful were the ones he did for a friend - their baby had died. And they asked him to document the funeral. He did them all in black and white, as he felt that was more appropriate. I don't remember what religion they were, but they didn't believe in life after death, so the photos were extremely sad. In everyone's face you could see the pain the heartbreak. The angles he used, and the moments he captured - but there was one in particular that hit me to my core. It was of the parents leaning over the tiny casket and holding onto each other tightly. It was from the back side, so even though you didn't see their faces...you could feel their emotions. And it hit me right then that with just one photo, I had felt something powerful. I had felt strong emotions. I had felt a snippet of what they were feeling.

and I fell in love.

that's when I really started thinking about photography. I started noticing photos more then videos. And it was the same idea - a great wedding photo you can see and feel the love between the two people. A great newborn photo can really capture the sweet spirit that they have just come from heaven and how precious they really are. I realized then that photography, when done well, was a powerful tool. And I wanted to know more.

James and I were dating during this semester, and so I had decided to transfer to UVU the following semester simply because the distance thing sucked. We got engaged and that semester was a waste. We both skipped classes and didn't do our homework more often then not. We played hookie constantly. ha. We got married at the end of the semester. And the only class I passed that semester was Yoga. Pathetic. Now, on academic probation for both of us, and then finding out I was preggers - I decided to see how soon I could get my associates degree. I didn't want to have to re-do all my generals years later or something. I had about 5 classes left. So I did one more semester and I was able to get 2 of those classes done, as I was working full time as well. I took my finals while having contractions every 10 minutes. I had a 4.0 GPA. that semester. It's easier to do when you're only taking 2 classes.

But then, I had Grace. in January of 2008. And suddenly my education didn't matter anymore. All I wanted was to be a mom to my sweet lil baby. And I've loved being home and not missing a moment with her and with Rocky as well. Even though education is still important to me, and the current idea is that when James is done with his degree, I will get my degree online at that time. Or I will wait until my kiddos are in school. either way, I don't plan on missing time with my little family to pursue my education, and I'm ok with that. Especially since I have had plenty of time working on photography on my own and pursuing that for the last 3 years. So I've learned a lot in that time. And when the time is right, I'll get a degree. But until then, I'm happy being at home with my kids. I just played with Grace for about 20 minutes, we had her barbies and horses and the barbies rode their horses all around the living room, and the entry way and back into Grace's room. The barbies went swimming, got chased by a bad cat, and fed their horses. See how much I would miss if I were at school? That's a lot to happen in just 20 minutes.

Groceries Make Me Emotional

2011-09-10T22:20:00.000-07:00

I went to Wal-Mart tonight. I had to buy some last minute things for Sunday (I always do. Unfortunately I almost always at the grocery store on saturday night. it's lame.) Our dishwasher has not been working great lately, so I went to get som epaper products to hold us over til it was fixed. We are having Betty Jo and Adam over for dinner tomorrow night, and I didn't want dishes piled up everywhere while they were here.

Anyway, I went and found some cute lil plates and then I saw these awesome camo plates. they had plates, cups, napkins, - everything! I realized it was September 11th tomorrow so I thought HEY we can use these camo paper products to remember our troops and stuff. And in the moment, it was just a funny thing to me.

Then as I was going through the line I started talking to this lady behind me. She was telling her tween-aged girls who were looking at the magazines that the people in those magazines were airbrushed. they didn't know what she meant, so she explained. She was telling them (and me) that she didn't want them to get the wrong idea about what people are really like. I chimed in that as a photographer, I do that all the time. I may not make people skinnier but I take out zits, enhance eyes, soften the skin, and get rid of most blemishes on the face at least. The girls were amazed, and actually didn't believe their mother until I added my input. haha. YES. Anyway it was kind of fun talking to this lady about X-men that she was buying, and the potty training chair...we just talked and were like pals. I liked it,

As it was my turn to be wrung up (is that a word?) I started talking to the cashier. He had to work until 6 a.m. he asked about my plates and if I was having a party. I explained the situation and he laughed. We talked and it was like we were pals too.

And it kind of took me back...about 10 years ago.

To September 11th, 2001.

And I remembered how after that happened, it really did bring our country together. People were all friends. People were all nice to each other. We were ONE nation. We were UNITED. I remember noticing back then, as a freshmen in high school, that change in the average person, in how they treated people and respected people.

And you know...it made me tear up a bit. Wal-Mart does that too me lately, but at least this time it was for a good reason. I know our country is in a crazy mess these days, but you know what? I am grateful that I have the freedoms tha tI do. I am sad that the twin towers were bombed and I am sad that so many people lost their lives that day and the days following. But I truly wish we could all remember how we felt and how our hearts changed for awhile after - how we were all nicer and kinder to perfect strangers. Because to us...we were all Americans. It didn't matter if you were gay or straight back then. It didn't matter what state you were from or if you had an accent. All that mattered for that first 6 months to a year after that fateful day, was that we were all Americans and that made us united. That made us pals.

I saw this photo of a mother returning home and seeing her daughter for the first time in who knows how long - it brought tears to my eyes yet again.

Remember all the songs that came out after 9/11/01? Hero by Enrique Iglesias was a big one. There were lots. I don't really remember them, but I remember hearing this song on the radio a lot, and even though I sang it in the 4th grade program...I still love this song.

And I'm proud to be an American. Where at least I know I'm free. And I won't forget the men (and women!) who died, and gave that right to me, so I proudly stand up, next to you and defend her still today.Because their ain't no doubt, I love this land. God bless the USA.

Cell Phone Pics

2011-09-06T10:26:00.000-07:00

SO I just downloaded all the photos off of my cell phone. And I thought I'd share some of these gems with you.

First we have this one of Rocky's bday presents. I don't know how Mindy did it, but when she mailed his card, it arrived on rocky's birthday party day AND it was the same color scheme as his presents. pretty rad.

This is me on the way home from the beach. This is my beach hair.

When we went to Kentucky we went and got come ice cream. Grace was cold so she wore Carson's jacket. They were all showing us their blue ice cream.

recently, at a garage-sale day, I snabbed these great finds. All of these clothes are basically new...I have yet to find anything on them that shows they have been worn before. How much did I pay? $8. Awesome.

My Dad cut open his hand, and almost cut off his thumb, basically. After all of that, this is what he came home with!

A strange obsession: I have blue and brown dishes. I am always excited when I see them end up in some sort of pattern. I try not to purposely put them in a pattern so that I can continue to be excited when they do end up in a pattern.As you can see the bowls up top and on the bottom are brown then blue. The large plates are all blue then brown. and the smaller plates are almost perfectly alternating blue and brown, except there at the bottom. It seriously was exciting to me. This is what makes doing dishes "fun." haha.

All of us heading to some sort of event - I told James to have a happy face while I took a picture of us...he made that awesome face.

My lil flower Garden.James and I were so proud.

Grace is a funny one. She loves her green piggy bank. And she picked out that random watermelon stuffed animal that has a creepy face on it as a gift to give Uncle Jay when he returned home for the summer. Isn't she sweet? And she did in fact give it to Jay.

Sleepy head. haha.

I curled her hair and she couldn't stop looking at it. She carried around the mirror for about an hour.

When my childhood BFF, Betty Jo, moved to AZ in the 4th grade, we decided to give each other presents. She got me this doll. I have kept it all these years and it now has a place on Grace's dresser. Now that Betty Jo and I are still friends and my kids know who she is, Grace has officially named her "pretty doll" "JO-fa-seen" this is probably because I call Betty Jo just JO and every now and then I say Josephine. Anyway, that is her name.

bored one night, so we put a bunch of braids in Grace's hair. love it.

Hanging out with Ronald in an outfit she chose herself over a year ago back when we lived in north orem. I remember that day we had walked over for a fun little lunch - then it started raining and hailing and we were stranded there for about 40 minutes. Ronald became a good pal.

At Old Navy WELL over a year ago. They had this random thing there so we took some pics with it.

Grace was drawing on my white board in my office. She was soooo excited and said "MOM look it's you when you are SO big!" haha. She then proceeded to talk about being in my tummy. haha funny girl, I love

LOVE her drawings.

James drew this ADORABLE monkey for Rocky's bday party. We did pin the tail on the monkey.

Rocky when we first moved to spanish fork. James is asleep on the couch behind him, haha. Look at how lil and chubster Rock is?!!? So freaking cute. funny thing is he is currently wearing those same exact shorts. They aren't rolled twice at the waist anymore, but this is proof that I am awesome at making clothes last. Or it's proof that my son is taking his sweet time growing. Either way...those shorts still fit just fine.

Back in our Orem apartment. rocky had just started crawling and his teeth hadn't come all the way down yet. I loved that lil gap he had while his teeth were coming in ...such a cute kiddo!

I think he is 9 month old in this photo? I know that Emily and I were easter shopping together at Target and I put those bunny ears on him. haha. Emily is in the background picking out her cute white purse that she ended up purchasing.

Last week James and the kids put helmets on, and it was super funny. Rocky was loving it, and it was ginormous on him, but when I finally went to take a pic he was mad he couldn't get it off.

I was getting Rocky ready for a bath and the water was too hot, so he had to just stand there naked so I could get the water cooler for him. all of a sudden I feel something and look down - he was peeing all over my leg!!!! I freaked out, and he hadn't even been realizing he was doing it...so then he looked down and saw liquid coming from his lil winker and HE started freaking out and crying. haha. maybe this is why potty training isn't going very well. ha.

Valentines day. james had these chocolates and flowers sent to the office. it was adorable.

TIming is Everything

2011-09-05T17:17:00.000-07:00

I really believe that.

Timing plays such an essential role to everything that has happened in my life. Even when timing doesn't make sense...later on I can look back and realize that everything that happened was meant to happen, happened for a reason, and that had it not happened during that secific time, things would be completely different. That is what I call God guiding our lives. And I'm sure glad He does.

You know, I saw Country Strong the other night. I loved that movie. I really did. I want to watch it again. It had some messed up relationships for sure, but I thought message was so powerful "fame and love cannot co-exist." And I kind of feel that way. Not that I'm famous by any means, but I know that when I am sooo busy with things and so distracted by work, or school for james, or photography, or even friends and social activities, family gatherings, yada yada yada - I am not paying as close of attention to my children. to my husband. to our relationships and the love that we share.

I've had a lot on my mind the last little while. Every time I think I've got things figured out something else pops into the equation and makes me have to figure everything out yet again. This time around, I am looking to simplify. I am looking to clean up and clear out what is not needed. I think that will make the equation simpler.

So many things have been on my mind, but one in particular that I'll share is that I have been trying to figure out what to do with my photography. What do I want it to be? What is my main goal with it? I know it might seem silly, but in August it took up the majority of my time. and it kind of hit me, that I Really could do it full time if I wanted to. But do I want to? I think about all the photographers tha tI admire and I think Yes, I want that! I want to be as good as they are, I want to have to have people schedule 6 months in advance just to get a shoot with me, kind of a thing. I want that success. I'm not there yet, but I people were scheduling 2 months in advance and I have been learning more every day. It's been really incredible. But then I think about what suffered. My house was a disaster and although I've had some time to recover, it's still not back to where it was before. My children are TV bums. they won't even play outside (this is actually due to rocky getting stung and is now afraid of "bees outside!") but I didn't have time to find other activities for him to do. And then I look at James and I - the moment he would get home from work, I would be running out the door to do a shoot. I'd come home exhausted and not in the mood to clean up the mess. James was alwasy sweet and supportive, but I wish I could just have a nice meal on the table and say "glad you're home honey, sit down. let's eat dinner together. How was your day today?" instead of high-fiving out the door on my way to my next thing I had to do. It was busy. It was overwhelming. I loved the shoots, I loved being busy, honestly.

but let's face it - it's easy to be busy. it's easy to have a list as long as...um..nevermind - a long list, anyway.

I was talking to James the other day and he said he wanted me to be happy with whatever I chose. If I chose to pursue photography full time then that was fine, as long as I was happy with it. And guess what? I wasn't really sure what I wanted. I told him I wanted to just do a few shoots a month and call it good. But he said I didn't really seem happy when I said that. And I could feel that was true, and I assumed it was because wha tI Really wanted was to pursue photography and have it become a real business far in my future, though I didn't say so.

Then this weekend happened.

Saturday I had time to sit and watch the BYU game and go on a date with James. Today I went hiking with my little family. We went out to lunch. I had time to clean the house.And you know...I loved it. And I was so happy both of those days with what I decided to do with my time. And I just felt happy all together.

Simplify.

James is in school now. And family time will be few and far between. And it kind of hit me this weekend what needed to happen and what I really want.

I am taking a break from photography.

I have shoots scheduled in Sep and Oct but after that, I don't know when I will be back in the official world. That being said, I have also decided that what I want to do with my photography is do shoots that I want to do. I want to take shoots of my own kiddos. I never do that because I'm always doing that for other people. I will still do photos for close family or close friends here and there. But I'm not going to advertize or schedule dates and things for people I don't even know. I think I really am OK with this being a hobby again instead ofmaking it a business.

I am happy with my choice.

Timing is Everything.

now here's to hoping the other things on my mind will work themselves out over a fun weekend as well. haha.

Hard as a Rock

2011-08-29T09:28:00.000-07:00

Not really. my little boy is such a sensitive, sweet, and kind of girly little boy. A lot of that is because he hangs out with Grace and mom all the time and so he is around curls, braids, headbands, pink fingernails, and tutus more than trucks, guns, trains etc.

However, he picked this little obsession of his all on his own. Grace doesn't play with her babies anymore, and obviously I don't have a baby so yeh - this is his thing lately.

He pushes the stroller around with the baby and he loves LOVES to feed the baby. my favorite thing about it is that he feeds the baby like this, as he's walking around doing other things - total multi tasker - he doesn't sit down and hold the baby to feed it, he is walking around, looking at stuff, talking, watching a movie, kicks a balloon...it's kind of like "oh yeh, I forgot I was feeding this baby..."

such a funny kid.

I Manage

2011-08-27T09:39:00.000-07:00

...Dave's Storage Center. You probably all know this but in case you don't - we live in an apt on a storage facility - the office is attached to our apartment and I mange it full time. We get free rent plus some extra pay as well, so it's a great set up for us. We love it here and we love our apartment and ward. We are very happy here.

That being said, there are days that are kind of insane. Like this morning, for example.

It all started with me going to take some double locks off (when people don't pay we add on our own second lock so that they can't get their stuff until they pay and then we take our lock off) I had 2 people pay their balance yesterday so I was taking their locks off this morning. As I was walking around, I noticed a unit door was partially up and I could see boxes and stuff. Normally if a door is left open, it's because the people moved out. But since there was stuff in int...I was a little curious. So I opened the door all the way and what did I see?

A bunch of the regular stuff that people have in units...but on one half of it there was a man...sleeping on a cot. He had a dresser next to him with clothes and a shelf set up - basically a lil dorm room of his own making inside the unit. He was laying on the cot smoking something. I was taken by surprise and said

"Hey! Are you living in here?"
"Um...yeah..."
"Ok, well you can't live in here."
"Ok."

I called my boss, while still standing by the unit, and talked to them and they said that it was illegal and that it was fine for him to have his items in there but not living in there. So I hung up and talked to him some more and basically told him he had til the end of the day to get whatever living things he needed out of there, and that as long as rent continued to be paid he could store his items in there. I told him not to try and sneak back in because we had 24 hr video surveillence and Dave and I were both on the property every day, so we would catch him.
He just said "ok" again and I left.

Let me just say this - it was obvious that he was a druggy. I have talked with him before and he is the one person who has made me nervous in the office because he was so high that he was almost in my face talking to me (leaning over the counter inches away from my face) and he was upset. Not at me, at someone else, and he had been telling me about it - this was a long time ago, but it's the same guy. He was definitely high that day in the office and today he was basically in the process of getting there again.

It's so sad to see peoples lives like this. It shook me up a little bit, but not becausse of fear. Mostly because I thought "how long has he been here? and how have I not noticed?" But anyway - crazy day. I already feel exhausted.

The Exception

2011-08-24T10:31:00.000-07:00

I don't have time to go into details right now, but I promise you I will whether you want me to or not. As I'm cleaning my house like a crazy person (you know, because I haven't been doing any of that sort of stuff lately) My thoughts turned to my awesome hub, James. I want to tell you that this man really is the exception. He is amazing. I told someone the other day just a brief lil' bit about James' childhood and she had shock on her face and said "Wow, I would never have expected that. How did he make it?"

And so though I don't have time right now to go into it, I will tell you very soon all about James. All about how he grew up. And all about how he made it to be the amazing person he is today.

I am grateful for him and grateful for his amazing attitude and example.

Deflated Resolution

2011-08-23T21:19:00.000-07:00

New Years resolutions are always funny. But you know, I still do them and I like them and most of the time I don't get most of them done, but I know I've put effort in those areas at least, so that's good. However, I really would like to meet some of my goals, so let's take a look from my new years post and see where I'm at...

reading the New Testament. all of it. - Yeh, I read a few chapters...then I started the Book of Mormon over again. I liked New Testament...but I don't know...I felt like I needed the Book of Mormon a little more right now, so I'm working on that, and my new goal is to finish it before the end of the year.
attending the temple 18 times. last year we went 10 times. not impressive, Clary's. seriously. this year we are bound to be better about it, and even go a few extra times just for kicks (and extra blessings, eh eh? haha) - Oh for the love! We have SUCKED! You wouldn't think that going to the temple would be that much harder living only 20 extra minutes away from it. but it is. We have been a grand total of 3 times this year. sucks. anyway, if we can make it 7 more times that would be awesome. haha. pathetic, but true.
lose 25 pounds. We have talked about this before. and I got down to 158. and then i got down to 155. and after holidays I am back to 160. that's what happens when i go back to my old ways for 3 weeks. i will trudge on in my journey of weight loss... - Woohoo! Something I've done well at! I am currently at...wait...let me go check...142. So yeh I think 7 more pounds by the end of the year is totally doable.
cook one NEW meal each week. that's 52 new meals peeps. but since I haven't done it yet, it will be 51 new meals. that would be so awesome. I can't even imagine. - This would have been A-mazing! And I did well for awhile, but then I got uber busy. But I did well for the first like 5 months of the year. the summer has really kicked my butt though and fast food has been a fast friend, if you know what I mean.
potty train Grace. like...tomorrow. - Yes! I did. and it pretty much was "tomorrow." That girl learned quick...on her 3rd time around trying to learn! haha.
potty train Rocky. like...in 6 months. - Not there yet, but we sit him on the toilet and talk about it and stuff. He just hasn't got his business in the toilet yet...
save $1,000 a month for our home. the other savings towards HSA and regular savings. - Well this one is tricky because I never, ever,ever look at our finances. But I know that we have saved like 5,000 so not awesome, but we are doing better now, so it should start adding up a little bit quicker.
teach grace to recognize and name and know the sounds of the ABCs. - Man I have such great intentions! I taught her A, B, and C. does that count? haha. they are printed out rather large and hanging on our kitchen door. I did a letter a week...for 3 weeks...and then...it fizzled off.
teach Rocky the ABC song. Rocky has started to hate singing. Or he hates when I sing. Either way...teaching him songs isn't really an option right now. So I just try to get him to repeat the letters after me. And he can say all of them at least, but not without my saying them first.
run ONE, one and only ONE half marathon Yeh, this did not happen. I totally meant for it to happen. but it didn't. And now, I can run like 4 miles and that's it. Kind of took a step backwards...but I'm signing up for the Provo Halloween Half for the sole purpose of being able to check this off my list.
re-upholster one furniture item. simply because I have always wanted to do it. now I have a massive storage unit and I can start collecting random pieces of furniture at yard sales and such for our hopefully future home. I have yet to make it to any yard sales and purchase furniture. boo! so i will try to do this still...but i've only been garage sale-ing one time and that was last saturday. I got some awesome deals though. Seriously. awesome.
decorate my apt. like crazy so it is a really homey-home....but classy at the same time. Well I don't know if it's classy, but it is homey and i love it! Check!
plan an A-mazing anniversary trip. Check! We went to Kentucky and hung out with our fave inlaws, so it was awesome!
go to California in July for Brett Beebe's wedding Just did that. and it was amazingly fun. loved it!!
do a baby shower for my new pal, shannon check!
swimming lessons for Grace What? I didn't know I was supposed to do this...too late now!
complete 3 successful wedding photography days. (does that make sense?) my first is on March 12th. MORE then done! Sheeeeesh. Bu tI think weddings are kind of my fave right now. I love them. They are a pain in the butt because it is such a long day...but I still love it. I love how lovely everything is, and how happy everyone is, and it's just a happy day and I love taking photos documenting such an important occassion.

My mother always told me that "whatever you feed, will grow." it's kind of like a rule. no matter how hard you try to break it, you can't. it's a law of nature, if you will. if I feed my tummy, it grows. If i feed my love for my kids, that grows. if I feed my hate for pants that have zippers up the legs, that too, will grow and I will hate those pants all the more. This is all still true. I've been feeding my photography business the last 6months and it really has grown, and that has been awesome. But because of that, I have not been feeding my housewife-esche duties...and it's become a regular thing for Grace and James to say "Are the dishes in the dishwasher clean or dirty?" or even "do we have any clean spoons?" And the answer is always "no." so once James starts school next week, my photography schedule has come from 15 shoots a month to like 4 shoots a month. But that's ok, because then I can clean the dishes...

Color Combos

2011-08-20T13:06:00.000-07:00

Hey peeps!

SO I have a lot to blog about but for the moment I am just trying to figure out a few things...

I'm re-decorating my kids rooms with some awesome finds from garage sales. And i think they will pretty much determine the whole feel of the room. my question is this: Grace's room is currently different shades of pinks and greens. it's been that way for...oh...her entire life. haha. So I think it's time for an upgrade, however, she has TONS of pink stuff so I thinik Pink is inevitable, plus she's a girl, so that's ok. What I'm trying to decide is what color to do now instead of the greens - I was thinking gray or this teal color, or just a cream. what do you think? Teal is kind of fresh and fun but does it actually go with pink and does it say "cute girl?" Is gray and pink to victoria secret -esche? If the answer to the first is NO and the answer to the second is YES then we will do cream. So...let me know.

As for my other color question, what should we wear for our own family photos? I have a photographer friend who lives in AZ and just happens to be coming to town in september and he is going to do our family pics! yay! And I know the rules I normally tell people: 1) avoid too much white, it's hard to work with the exposure properly sometimes 2) bright colors pop and can be fun if used correctly 3) more than 2 colors. However, these aren't RULES. I have seen pics of people wearing all black shirts with jeans and they are adorable photos. Then I've seen people not waering anything that matched, but they were just dressed really cute each of them, and so they looked great. I don't want to spend a lot of money (ok I totally do. James doesn't want me to, that's what's goin on) on new clothes for the shoot, so I'm trying to think of using things we've already got and then maybe getting a couple things to for the final touches. ANYWAY

Color scheme. Here are options taking into consideration what we already have that might make it work

Purple, grays/whites/blacks - Like I have a gray scarf, and purple shoes, and Grace has a purple shirt and Rocky has a gray shirt, and James we could buy a shirt to match. We'd probably wear jeans?

Purple/gray/yellow - similar idea, just add another bright color to it

Yellow/gray/blue - This one would require more purchasing, like...I'd wear either a white or gray shirt with a yellow scarf , or white or yellow shirt with gray scarf and jeans. James would need a new shirt and his jeans. Rocky would wear gray shirt and jeans. And grace would need a new shirt and her jeans. I think this is my personal fave color combo and I think it would look really cute...

anyway...let me know if you have suggestions! i'll have a for realsies blog another day. gotta go!

Happy Saturday!

It's a Mom-Day

2011-08-16T14:14:00.000-07:00

Well i'm a mother every day, so let me explain what I mean...

Some days I focus my efforts on the home. Those days I'm a housewife or home maker.

Other days I focus my efforts on the office. I'm a manager on those days.

Then there are days when my efforts go 100% towards photography. I'm a photographer then.

And then there are days like today - when all my time and effort is spent with and for my kids.

Now, don't get me wrong. I feed and dress my kids every day. I do dishes almost every day and laundry almost every day. I clean up the basics, I usually do a bit of photography and a bit of office work each day as well. But these are days that I ignore all the other stuff and just FOCUS on one area that needs some special attention.

I've been uber busy lately and so my kids have not had the best care or attention. Baths are twice a week instead of daily, and the TV has been on more often then not the last 2 weeks. So recogonizing that bad behavior and TV bum-ness was setting in, I had an intervention - Photos could wait to be edited. The filing in the office can happen later. The dishes and laundry can just hold their horses while I spend some time with the kids.

We colored and colored and colored today. Seriously, for like 3 hours, no lie. We sang ABCs and learned about the letter D. we killed bees. we wrestled. and we did NOT do any of our hair. Old-man-at-wal-mart would be ashamed. Anyway, it's been a fun day. Grace is currently eating granola our of a bowl and has a bowl of water on the floor - she is a dog. Rocky is taking a nap.

it's funny - my house is such a freakin mess. I look like poop. I have plenty of work that needs to be done. but it's been nice just hanging out with the kids all day and not worrying about anything else....until now...I mean it is 3 pm and when James gets home I want it to appear like I did something today, you know? Haha.
At one point I attacked Rocky and just gave him a big hug and then later did the same to Grace - I don't think I do that enough. I mean, we give hugs every day...but I don't just tackle them with love, you know what I mean? Anyway, being a mom is the same as anything else - a journey. You learn, you progress, you get better. I'm learning how to be a better mom. And today I learned that these sorts of days need to happen more often then not.

because I liked coloring for 3 hours, not gonna lie

Question from Rocky

2011-08-12T08:39:00.000-07:00

I am going to let you in a secret here: I have gas.

Now it's not bad or anything, I'm just admitting that when I'm at home with just my kids, I let those things go whenever I feel like it and don't worry about it. Pretty much how men are no matter who they are around, if you know what I'm sayin'.

So I'm sitting here editing pictures, while Rocky is eating his lucky charms...and I let a few go....but they turned out to be a lot louder then I thought they would be.

Rocky sincerely looked at me and asked with the cutest face ever, "Mom, what was that sound like? you poo-poo in your diaper?" and then he thought for a second..."poo-poo in your pants?"

haha. kids make my day. so freakin funny. I love LOVE having Rocky talk. It's adorable.

Low Blow From the Elderly

2011-08-11T21:07:00.000-07:00

I am still in shock right now. Like for reals. It seems like people say the craziest things to me at the store, but this has, by far, got them all beat.

I was just walking around Wal-Mart doing my shopping, I was in the process of picking out some Q-tips, when an elderly man, 75-80 yrs of age I'd say, crosses the main aisleway to come over to speak to me specifically. The conversation went something like this:

"Are you the mother of these {points to my kids sitting in my cart} children?"
"Yes..."
"Ok, well, I'm just an old man, but I'm trying to figure something out. I just am trying to understand...."
"Ok...?"
"I just want to know if you have the time to do her hair so pretty..." he grabs one of Graces braids and pulls on it a bit... "How do you not have the time to make yourself look pretty?"

...

...

Are you in shock right now? That is no lie. That is what he said. A man that I have never seen before, a man that wasn't even by me, but went out of his way to talk to me about it...that is what he said to me.

I was infuriated. Many things went through my mind in that moment, many of them vulgar and harsh and completely terrible, but the reply that actually came out was...

"Well that was a smart-ass question. Thanks for making my day."

And I walked away.

I proceeded to cry like an idiot as I went through the cash register and the cashier looked at me wondering if she should ask if I was ok, but instead, said nothing and hurried to get me through the line. For that, I was grateful.

I could not believe what had just happened. What was he thinking? What response was he hoping for? I honestly cannot understand why he would go out of his way to say something cruel.

Here is the interesting part though, and it kind of made me think. Even though what he said was in fact mean, it should not have mattered to me. This man was no one to me. He held no importance and I do not value his opinion. But it did matter. It got to me. It made me feel ugly and I wanted to yell at him how hard I work, that I run my own photography business and a storage business for someone else, and mother of 2, I try to work out and cook meals, and keep my house in order, and my callings keep me busy...I wanted to just rail into him about how if I sneak in a shower somewhere in all of that, it's a miracle! haha. But I didn't. However, I was feeling terrible and then everyone I passed I wanted to yell at or tell them to get out of my way, etc. I didn't of course, but it really made me realize the domino affect...this man was rude to me, making me feel like poop, and so I started feeling like I could treat other people rudely as well. And I thought I wonder if he knew that this dumb little thing he said to me caused so much frustration and upset and that it was almost passed on to 10 other people who then may have passed the bad mood onto even more people...I wonder if he would have thought twice before saying that. And you know, I think that happens. moods pass on. When someone is genuinely nice to you or fun or happy...it makes you feel more nice and happy and makes you in a better mood, making you treat other people better as you go through your day. It really does matter what you say and do. The litte things really are great things. and then can be great things for good...or for bad.

I wonder why he said that, but in the end, it doesn't even matter (shut up linkin park!) because for someone to be that rude, I'm going to assume he must not have been having the best day either. And maybe that was just him passing along the rudeness that someone else had passed on to him.

Or maybe he was just an old SOB with nothing better to do then tear down young mothers at Wal-Mart.

yeh. it's one of those two things for sure.

Break My Heart

2011-08-08T13:56:00.000-07:00

Some stories are not mine to tell or to share. And this one definitely is not. It is personal to someone else and to their family. It is a special memory, it is a difficult time. It is a period of growth and coming together. And it is rarely spoken of, even by them.

But they spoke about it today. And it broke my heart to hear it. It made me want to sit on my couch and cry and cry.

But it also made me reflect and think more than I normally do, and that is something I can share.

First of all - love your children more than anything. They are such treasures, They are the most important things in our lives. Don't miss a moment, you don't know when it'll be over. You don't know how much time you have with them. the house can be messy, you can have a frozen meal for dinner, if it means that you are spending more time hugging and playing and loving your kids.

Next, don't judge. for the love, do not judge people. I don't care if they are weird. I don't care if they look or act differently. I don't care if they have done mean things to you and that makes you feel justified in talking badly or acting rudely towards them - You have no idea what they are going through. You have no idea what they are struggling with, and I can promise you - they are struggling. Everyone I know is struggling with something. No one has a perfect life. No one just has it easy. So don't you dare judge people base on your own knowledge. God knew what he was saying when he said not to judge people. He knew we wouldn't be able to judge righteously, because we do not know these people like He does.

On a similar note, treat everyone amazingly. I don't even mean treat them civily, or decently. Treat them the very best you know how, and always treat them that way. Treat people that you've known for years and people you just met with love and respect always. don't belittle. don't talk badly. Just love them. And remember that every single person around you really is a child of God. That isn't to be cheesy or super sentimental, that's stating a simple fact. If you thought of everyone that way, don't you think you'd treat them better? I know I would. I am going to try to be better about how I treat people. I want to be better with how I talk about people. I want to be better about treasuring the time I have with my kiddos. They grow up too fast and it's over before you know it.

Like I said, I can't tell you the story. but I can tell you that I was touched and heart broken by it. And I can tell you that I hope it changes me forever to be a better and more loving and compassionate person. I hope it helps me to become a better version of myself. And I hope my vague words can help you a little bit to think about what you say and do and how you spend your time - every little thing does matter. And every little thing really has an affect on people even if you don't think it does, for better or for worse.

Choose the better.

Be Still, My Heart

2011-08-04T12:47:00.000-07:00

When we had Rocky, we were poor. James had just lost his job due to circuit city going out of business. We didn't have insurance. it was hard. You've heard all that before, so I won't go into detail. But I will say that when we had nothing and didn't know how we were going ro provide, I was overwhelmed with the generosity from those who didn't even know us. We had bags of clothes to go through and we ended up with more than enough of everything. It was amazing.

I have talked about giving back, that we are all in this thing together - when you have the opportunity to serve, do it. Don't think about it, just do it! Think like Nike. haha. People were so helpful and we were so blessed that it would be selfish of us not to give back.

So with all that, I have a friend who just had a baby boy and she didn't have much. So I decided to go through Rocky's old stuff and see what I could give her.

Oh, be still, my mother heart!

Seriously you guys, every single onesies, and especially his newborn outfits...made me cry. I remember how tiny he was and how fast he has grown. I remember how these little tiny things were baggy on him.BAGGY! I felt a rush of memories come flooding back. I've always remember the sucky things about Rocky being a newborn: acid reflux, throwing up constantly, crying constantly, not sleeping during the night at all, etc. All I've remembered before was how freaking hard he was as a little baby.

But the crazy part is...I still loved him so.freaking.much. Even though I smelled like puke constantly, I didn't sleep, I looked terrible because I always had stains of his puke on me and zero sleep, I thought I was going to blow my brains out because it was hard to manage 2 kiddos when he demanded all of my time. And yet...I loved him sooooo much. Those were the feelings that came back to me as I went through the boxes and held up each tiny piece of clothing. Sweet and happy feelings and tons of love.

It just boggles my mind how fast time goes and how quickly babies are toddlers and toddlers are kids and then kids are teens and then adults...it just made me realize how much I need to value every second of being with me kids, and focus on the good things. I feel badly that all I've remembered about Rocky as a newborn (besides that he was handsome of course) was all the hard things about it. It took going through his old things to remember the good things because I hadn't focused on the good while it was happening. It probably would have changed my entire perspective, honestly.

who knew going through baby clothes would be such an emotional roller coaster?

It's the Little Things

2011-08-02T22:59:00.000-07:00

You know how sometimes you don't want something...until you can't have it...and then all of a sudden...it's all you can think about?

yeh. that happens to me sometimes. sometimes I want things so badly that I just can't have.

but then life gets put in perspective for me. then I am able to step back and realize how much I have and how grateful I should be for everything I've got right now, in this moment of my life.

It really is the little things that bring me the most joy.

I love LOVE when Rocky gives me kisses on the cheek. He is soooo sweet about it. I love his hugs. I love when he tucks Woody into bed with him, and then always worries about where Woody's hat is. haha. I love how he stands behind me with his hands on my shoulder during storytime now, like we were in some 1800s photograph. I love all of his talking, his funny run, and his big smile. He is such a handsome, sweet, and amazing little boy. I am completely smitten.

I love when Grace talks and talks and talks about anything and everything. She'll go on for days! (seriously, she keeps talking in her sleep sometimes, people.) I love when she does things sweet for Rocky...like get him his blanket, or cup...or help him find his sandles or Woody's hat, even. I love when she colors pictures and then tells me what every little thing in her picture is. I love when she holds my hand randomly while we watch a movie or sit in church. I love that she still asks for me to hold her and rock her in the morning.

all such simple simple things. And yet, they are the things that make me the happiest. The things I want more of. The things that melt my heart every single time and bring a smile to my face.

Motherhood really is a blessing and a privlidge. And I've said this before and I'll say it again - whether or not you are a mother doesn't matter - you can be an amazing gift in the lives of children. I have a friend that is single and loves kids soooo much. She babysits for married couples a lot and take the kids randomly to the park or swimming, etc to give me and other mamas a break for a bit. She is so loving and sweet and it just amazes me what a great attitude she has. And guess what? my children L.O.V.E her. seriously. they cannot get enough of her. She's a better mom to them then I am. haha. So for those of you that read my blog that I talk abotu being a mom all the time - please know that just because you aren't a mother, doesn't mean you can't feel these same feelings of love and joy in the simple things that come with caring for children. If you want to, you can.

5 years ago plus a few days, I went to Deer Creek with James and his family. We weren't dating. But it was when his family all figured out that I liked him and they all warned him about this nieghbor girl liking him too much and that he shouldn't lead me on when he didn't care about me. haha. Silly peeps...3 weeks later we were dating, so, I knew what was really goin on sheesh. Anyway, the drive home from that day at the lake...I let my hair down, all wet and gross from the lake, i lay my head out the window of his old truck, he turned on some hard rock pretty loud and we didn't even talk - just listened to music...and my hair blew like crazy out the window, but it felt fantastic. I love that memory. It was like the perfect summer afternoon ever. Tonight...we went swimming. The kids were not with us, we had gone out with some friends. And then we drove home. Windows down. Rock music blaring! Sun roof open. and I lay my head outside the window, closed my eyes, and we didn't even talk. But it was a great summer night. James reached over and rubbed my back as we drove home. And it just made me feel so incredibly in love and happy in that moment...in that simple simple moment. I felt so much. 5 years later, doing pretty much the same thing, and more in love than ever. I loved it. Not to mention how much I loved the amazing volume the 75 mph summer wind added to my hair. It was fantastic.

Anyway, I guess I'm just thinking tonight about how I've wanted so many things, and gotten lost in the busy-ness of life a bit...and tonight I just am so happy to be able to read stories to my kids, give them hugs and kisses, and drive in the warm summer night with my handsome hub.

i love it.

A New Dream

2011-07-31T23:31:00.000-07:00

I used to dream of the city. I used to dream of having a career. I used to dream of fame and of success.

Then I got married. And I dreamed of a nice home in a neighborhood...a good place, close to a city so that I could still go do all the fun things that I love to do - shopping, concerts, activities of all kinds.

I was nervous to move to Spanish Fork because I've always thought of myself as someone who loved the city. New york City was my all time fave place to be. So much happening. So many people. I love the crowded streets, and the city that never sleeps. So much energy and vibrance. I loved it. i knew I would not want to raise my kids there, but I always thought I would want to settle down in a place that was somewhat happening, if you will, or at least be close by.

Spanish Fork has really opened my eyes to who I am. Isn't that a funny thing to say? I'm not even trying to be dramatic, I just feel like I know myself better now then at any other time in my life. And I'm happy. And it has also made me realize that this is the kind of place, in Utah or not doesn't matter, that I want to settle down and raise my family in. I want a home with a good size piece of land with horses. Big dream, I know. But it's my new dream. I want a town that everyone knows each other and is friends and everyone is nice. I never feel threatened or nervous. I always feel safe and like I can talk to anyone. I love the idea of my kids having a big yard to play in, or Grace and Rocky having animals to raise. It seems like such great things to spend your time doing. we walked down main street the other day and it reminded me of runaway Bride. all the little shops, and people on the corner getting snow cones. we sat there and ate our yummy treat in the summer sun and had a great time. The city gets involved in every little chance they can to celebrate something. all the stores get involved and it just has a sense of unity that I like.

I love driving to James' work and passing all these fields and homes and barns and horses and cows...I love it. When we drove to California, my favorite part wasn't driving through vegas...it was driving by all these gorgeous fields. I loved it and I kept wanting to stop and take pictures of it because it just made me happy to see it. It was kind of weird, but it really hit me that a place like Spanish Fork, or like Runaway Bride's lil' town - that's where I want to raise my kiddos. That's the kind of life I'd like to have forever. That's my new big dream.

I think I might just be a country girl afterall...

California Adventure

2011-07-29T10:45:00.000-07:00

wow, I am really behind on my blogging. A lot has been going on around here. Rocky's birthday, then we took a 4 night trip to Cali withOUT our kiddos (thanks mom, Jay, and emily for helping with the kids!) and today is James' bday! So yeh, not a lot of time, but I wanted to say a few things about our trip.

We left Thursday evening. We got crash pads from James' Gparents and had them in the back of our car. So when we reached the Cali/NV border, we took set up the back of our car as a bed and went to sleep. It was pretty adventurous to sleep in our car, I felt like. especially when James accidently pushed the panic button on our keychain for our car and it woke us up - I knew it was our car alarm going off, but he was so out of it he didn't realize it and he didn't understand why I was hitting him saying "turn it off turn it off!!" haha. I'm sure all the other peeps at the rest stop just loved us for that. haha. Oh and here is a pic of us at the St George temple on our way down. James randomly came up with the idea to make Team Clary shirts for our fam, his brother's fam, and then his dad and brothers in Cali. So I'm sporting my team clary shirt in this pic and I love it! it's my new fave Tshirt. I love that James can just make cool shirts whenever he feels like. haha. it rocks.

The next highlight of our trip for me was Brett Beebe's wedding! I brought my camera, and I didn't take ANY pictures the entire time. I think I felt weird going around taking pics of people that I didn't know or grow up with, and I wasn't the hired photographer, so I didn't feel like it was my place to go around and take pictures. Plus it was fun sitting and talking with James and his old friends.

So, I grew up in Provo. James grew up in Vista (san diego area.) He always tells me these stories of back in the day and crazy things, and I never witnessed or experienced it until this trip. And this wedding was the start. Everyone was drinking after the ceremony was over. And there were a few in particular who got completely wasted. One of James' BFFs growing up was soooo freaking drunk, I could not stop laughing. We were talking to him and he was like YELLING so loud about how he hates when his girlfriend wakes him up from his nap. They're about to cut the cake and everyone is quieting down and he yells "Just let me take my F***** nap!" OMG, I was dying. Then later we talked to him again and James said "I don't remember you getting this drunk before. did you drink a ton?" And he looked at us sooo confused, then look down at his shirt and said "I'm just trying to find the buttons. you guys are such jerks, I can't find my buttons. F-you." Seriously could not stop laughing. I was dying and he would look at me and see me laughing and then call us jerks and to F off again. but that just made me laugh harder. It was freakin hilarious. Same kid: he passed out on the side lawn for awhile and little kids kept going over and poking him with sticks and asking if he was dead. Then he woke up, came over and was like "these kids won't leave me alone. they keep poking me with sticks. I just wanted to look at the stars." and we all looked up....no stars.

We finally got a chance to talk to the bride and groom for a minute and then their parents as well. I didn't get a pic with Brett and his lovely new wife, Katie, which made me really sad, but at least we got some pics with Debbie and Wayne Beebe. You guys, I love these people so much. I was sooo excited to see them and when we hugged and saw each other for the first time in a year, I cried. And We talked to them mostly when we were on our way out, so a lot of people were trailing out or passed out on the lawn, haha, so we had a few minutes to talk with them. And Wayne talked to James and was kind of emotional and said how "you really are our son." and they told us how much they loved us and felt so special that we came out for the wedding and we just hugged forever. I think it makes me so happy because 1) I love these peeps and 2) James had kind of a rough childhood. I don't know if you all know this, or if I've ever really talked about it, but I should write a blog all about how insane James' childhood was. But for now I'll just say that when he was in 8th grade him and his siblings left their mom to go live with their grandparents. and if it wasn't for them, James would not be who he is today. that is for certain. But until that point, he hung out a lot at the Beebes. Brett was his BFF and he spent a lot of time at their home, even after he lived with the grandparents, actually. James' dad wasn't a huge part of his life - he stayed with his dad every other weekend...but he's been in and out of jail his whole life and not really "there," if you know what I mean. so to hear the beebes express their love and care for him and to see how much they love and care for him really makes me so happy - they really were there for him and were an extra set of hearts that loved him and supported him. And they still do. So it was great to get to see them, even if it was only for a short time.

Another highlight was getting to know this kid more: Jon West. This is James' half brother, Jon. See, James' family is kind of spread around a lil bit. Richard, Denise, James, and Christopher (died at 3 mos of SIDS), were all full blooded brothers and sister. they all have the same parents. Then they got divorced and James' mom married Del and then had Jody and Jonathan. Those are the kids that James really grew up and feels like they are his family, even though Jody and Jon have a different father. Then he also has 2 half brothers on his Dad's side. We got to know them a lot more this trip and that was great. James didn't know them as much growing up because they lived with his Dad and he lived with his Mom. Anyway...back to Jon.

first of all, he's insane! He loves to longboard but he does these tricks - he's going like 40 MPH (no joke, we followed him in our car and he just flew down this hill, running a stop sign and I was afraid for his life!) and then he gets down, keeps his feet on the board, and does crazy tricks! his face and body are literally inches from the speeding cement. It is sooo dangerous, but really cool to watch. I hope it's not the cause of his death one day. Anyway he was excited that I had a nice camera that could take a bunch of pictures really fast, so we went and I took pictures of him doing his tricks (he's trying to get sponsored right now) so that was really cool. here is a sample, but check facebook for more because honestly, it was rad.

And this is the fam! We hung out with these guys a lot and it was SO MUCH FUN!!! I loved LOVED talking, laughing, hanging out with them, and just getting to know them so much better. They are awesome and we had a great time. This is Jon in the middle (he's in his work outfit. I told him he should dress like that all time. he said no way.) Then James' sister Jody, and her family Rudy...and little Rudy! :o) they have a daughter, chloe, as well, but she was being babysat. Anyway this night we went out for sushi and it was fun. we also went bowling, the boys went to a movie while Jody and I talked for hours (as girls can do!) we went to the beach and just had a blast. I love these guys.

And last but most definitely not least - the morning we headed out (monday) we stopped for some breakfast at a cute lil cafe with Ashli and Joe. Random fact: Ashli and James used to date. do you think that's weird? most people would, but I totally don't. James and I have weird perspectives on this. Most couples are anti talking to your ex or whatever, but here is the honest truth people: you still care about those people. Just because you fell in love and married someone else doesn't make those friendships just disappear. And they don't have to. I have guy friends that I still hang out with (not by myself, always with James) and talk to because I do still care about what's going on in their lives. I thought they were awesome before and I still think they are awesome now. Relationships can change, but the friendship can remain. And it was the same with Ashli. We were friends on facebook and I got a feel for what she was like, and James had told me about her before, and she sounded awesome and like a lot of fun. so I really wanted to meet her and get to know her for realsies. so we met up for breakfast. and guess what? She was totally awesome, fun, and hilarious! And her husband Joe was hilarious too! We had a great time hanging out with them and just talking. It was so much fun. I'm so glad that we didn't let the past get in the way of us getting to know each other. Because I seriously loved these peeps. They are awesome and I am certain they will be added to our list of people to hang out with every time we go to california. Joe is an MMA fighter? (I'm not sure if that's the correct term. but he fights. in cages. with strong guys and they beat each other up.) so if you're into that stuff, you should check him out. It's pretty sweet. And it's gotten James thinking more about wrestling and fighting - James used to wrestle back in the day and he's always wanted to get into martial arts and all that. so...we'll see what happens. james won't ever do fighting like a career kind of a deal like what Joe is getting into, but I could see him learning martial arts at least. He really enjoys that kind of stuff.

Well, that about sums it up. Except that I missed my kiddos like crazy. I think it was great to not have them and to really be able to spend time with these people instead of having to be half paying attention while I was taking care of my kids, or having to leave early because the kids are too tired, etc. So it was good to not have them , I think. It allowed relationships to develop that I don't think would have otherwise. But I missed them tons. Normally I have a sadness, slight heartbreak whenever we leave Cali. But this time...I was excited to get home and be with my kids. I was fine leaving, because it meant we would all be together again.

I will do a birthday boys post after today and just do James and rocky's bday pics all in one. Until then...I've gotta go make a lot of stuff for the party tonight. You're welcome to come join in if you want - 6:00 p.m. Our place. I hope a lot of peeps show up and that James has a ton of fun. He deserves to have a day where everything is all about him. Because he's awesome.

a few lbs and a life change

2011-07-15T14:22:00.000-07:00

so I'm certain you are all tired of hearing me talking about my weight. I know I am. haha. i kind of wish i could go back to not thinking about food and calories and exercise constantly and somehow go back to being ok with my chubby bod. But I'm just so excited that I'm able to lose some, that I can't stop talking about it or thinking about it. It's so exciting to me!

I kind of hit a rut this last week. Let me tell you all the things that screwed me over within a weeks time: outback. cafe rio. cold stone. wendys. hanging out late = not getting up early to exercise. Are we seeing some major patterns here? Eating out is BAD if you don't plan ahead. and I didn't. I just got whatever I wanted. And then I felt soooo sick, gained some of my weight back (only a pound..but still...that's one more pound I have to work off! and it is work!) Anyway, it was no good. And I felt no good either. It made me sickly, honestly.

but then...I really was sick. remember my previous post? yeh...I am grateful for it because it did a couple things for me: 1) I wanted to exercise because all my life when I've felt sick, even when I was preggers, exercise always helped me to feel better. 2) I didn't want to eat at all because my stomach hurt so badly. so that helped my calorie intake for sure. But I still didn't lose anything from it. and my stomach was hard and sticking out like I was 3 months pregnant. (don't worry I'm not expecting) anyway it was strange. last night we went to the movies (harry potter. yup. part 1 was better then part 2 I think....) and I was almost crying my stomach hurt so badly. I could hardly walk out of the theater and the drive home - seriously thought I was going to throw up or poop my pants or a combination - and my stomach was HARD! and it was cramping like crazy. Weirdest thing I've ever experienced.

but today, I'm happy to say, I woke up feeling great. no stomach problems. I didn't look prego anymore. I just felt great. back to normal! that was a huge relief. so I got back into things today and I was able to eat my full meals and go running and everything. Well I just stood on the scale peeps...and I have officially lost 8.5 pounds since June 1st!!! I know that doesn't seem like a lot, but I want to lose weight by being healthy not by going super crazy, you know? So it makes me happy. and then it hit, all of a sudden...

I can't remember the last time I weighed this. It was def in 2007, prob the first half of the year. And I realized...I've almost made it. I'm OVER HALFWAY to my weight goal! I wanted to lose 15 pounds so that I could be back at my wedding weight...and I've only got 6.5 left to go.

have you watched Extreme Makeover: Weightloss Edition? Watch it if you haven't. it is so inspiring. this woman was like 400lbs. She couldn't even get her pants on without laying down and rolling over, etc. It broke my heart. She was a sweetheart. She was so fun. I liked her personality a lot. And you know, as the guy was pushing her that first day to run on the treadmill and just get on the floor and get back up again over and over...she was crying so hard. And 3 different times she just fell over. It was so sad. And then He said to her"you know this doesn't just happen. why do you eat so much? What are you trying to hide? What is it inside of you that you need to let out to move on with your life?" and barely able to hear her she said "I was molested."

Oh. my. gosh.

When she was a child she was molested. she never told anyone about it. but food was her comfort. it helped her feel better. and so she always would turn to that. and she talked about how her addiction to food was worse then any other addiction because you have to eat each day. If you're an alcoholic or a druggie, you can stay away from those things. you don't have to look at them or touch them or consume them ever again. but food...you have to eat. and so it's a real test of your self-control. In the middle of all this working out and after she kept falling over, she lay on the ground for a second and She cried and cried and said "I'm not giving up. I won't give up. I'm not giving up, I promise!" And I just thought, man this chick is amazing. She is working so hard. And do you know what? In a years time she lost 200 pounds! It was so amazing to watch her work so hard. and see how great she felt about herself and how she was able to overcome such obstacles.

As you can tell I was really touched by her story.

but it made me think - it made me have better motivation to lose weight and to be healthy - before it was to look good for my hub and for the big events we are attending this year - but I thought about my kids. I thought about I want them to grow up eating healthy and exercise just being a part of their daily routine. It's not even a "should I workout today?" or "you can work out when you are in HS sports..." I want them to see James and I doing healthy things and have them come along. I want them to have healthy parents so that they can be healthy too. This girl had an obiese mother and she died very young from diabetes. and I just thought...I don't want that to happen with my kids. And with the way I have acted the first few years of their lives...running once in awhile and eating whatever whenever...my kids would have no way of knowing what was a healthy lifestyle or not. and if I continued with those habits, I know I would have hard problems in the long run. And I do NOT want that to happen.

I'm so glad that this is working for me. I'm so glad that I am learning better ways to eat and to exercise regularly. Sometimes I get tired of it. sometimes I do want to give up. I want to eat those doughnuts at midnight. I want to get a biggie size meal. I love food! But in the long run, I don't want those things. They taste good for a second, and then it's gone. The good part only lasts for a few seconds (unless you are a slower chewer...then maybe your bites last longer then a few seconds. haha) but it stays with you inside. and it isn't good for your body. I'm not saying don't ever eat junk food - I still eat it, just not regularly and only if I exercise that day to help keep my calorie count where I want it.

oh man this is so long. all I planned to write today was "guess what? I'm halfway to my goal!" and that's it. but I got rambling...as usual. sheeeeesh.

basically I am so grateful that James an dI have taken these steps. do you know I weighed 165 in november? And today I weigh 146.5. That makes me happy. and proud. I never, ever, thought I could lose weight for realsies. never.

I guess I was wrong.

Rainy Days

2011-07-13T12:29:00.000-07:00

so I haven't been feeling very well today. some think it's because there is a 24 hr puking bug going around, but I think it has something to do with 1000 calorie shake I had last night at cold stone. hmmm. cuz I haven't puked at all. but I ate 2 crackers and I basically want to die my stomach hurts so bad. exaggerated? yes, but you get the idea.

anyway, so I've been a bum today, is the point here. and just really planning rocky's party for this saturday (do you want to come? your're invited! Seriously though, anyone is welcome, we are going to have some fun times, for sure. it's saturday. our backyard. 6 pm) and editing pictures and laying around basically.

what does this all mean?

that my kids are wild animals today. I didn't brush graces hair. rocky is still in PJs (i changed his diaper at least, haha) and the rain made the day so much more eventful. grace put on her snow boots, and rocky put on his elmo slippers...I gave them our big umbrella and let them go at all the puddles in the backyard and play in the rain. it was so cute to see them. they looked A-mazing (remember, grace's bed head, rocky's elmo slippers...in the rain...and snow boots...it's all too good!) It just made me laugh they were being so funny.

Well, then Rocky wanted real shoes on besides elmo slippers. I can't blame him, elmo isn't exactly water resistent by any means. So I helped him get his shoes, but he didn't want to wear those either. so he went into my room, got my flip flops and put those on his feet. after one attempt at taking a step he ditched those and said "here mom" and went back to my closet to find something a lil better. He brought back my nike shoes...he put those on instead and scooted to the back door. I wondered where he had gotten this idea to wear my shoes, when I realized Grace had also ditched her snowboots, for James' sunday shoes. haha. I'm sure he will appreciate the fresh cleaning the rain gave his shoes. ha.

Anyway it's just been funny. I have no energy today to help them be entertained, so instead, I've been entertained by them trying to entertain themselves. haha. and believe me, it's entertaining!

Sister, Sister!

2011-07-12T23:10:00.000-07:00

Wasn't there a TV show called sister sister and it was about twins or something? It's vague...

Well anyway, I've always told James that Grace needed a sister. He always laughed at how retarded of a sentence that was. But when I took Grace and her cousin Sophie to the Princess Festival at Thanksgiving Point...I loved how they sat in the car together talking and laughing and just being so cute together, and it was re-emphasized how much a girl needs a sister.

I thought about all my sisters and how at different times they have each played very important roles in my life and been great friends and supports since day one for me. And I just really wanted Grace to experience all the things I got to experience with my sisters.

then today, grace played with Sophie again. And they were the cutest things ever. And I thought...maybe Grace doesn't need a sister, per se, maybe she just needs sophie sometimes. Because look at how cute this is...

So I gotta say it...cousins can be pretty freakin' awesome too. And I think these two are going to get along well throughout their lives. I loved seeing them play and interact together and be best friends. They never fought. They just played and twirled and laughed and held hands...and I loved watching it.

Slow Motion, Please

2011-07-11T13:40:00.000-07:00

Lately I feel like life is just zooming right on by. Does anyone else feel this way? I mean, sometimes I think "oh we just barely moved to Spanish Fork a little bit ago..." and then I realize...it's almost been a year since we've been here.

I looked at the calender and was scheduling things in...photo shoots, camp-outs, dinners, craft nights, dates, babysitting, weddings, etc. And it's crazy how booked we already are for the fall.

did I say FALL?!!?

Yup. I did.

before I know it summer will be over. The leaves will change and so will routines. Life just zooms forward. Constantly. It never stops.

I don't know that I want it to stop, really. But if it could just ... slow...down...just a little bit. let me have a few more months with my boy before he's 2. Let me have a few more months of summer days and bbqs. I know I've still got a good 2 months of summer....but since we're already booked...it feels like it's over already. I know that doesn't make sense, but to me, being booked means "it will go so fast you won't have time to blink." because that's how the first half of this summer has gone. it's been an amazingly fun summer so far and looking at the calender, we've got a ton of fun things to look forward to and finish up this summer strong.

you all know how much I love summer. or you should. because I do. a lot. and I just don't want it to even get close to ending. but when it moves so fast...it makes the end get closer every day.

we've got weddings galore in the next 2 months. Seriously, 4 weddings that we are attending, that's not even counting receptions, and despite my saying NO to photo shoots, i've had a lot of requests to do wedding photos...I still have 2 weddings that I'm doing pictures for, and a line up of family photo shoots, portraits, etc. I really have been saying NO to like everyone that just calls and I don't know them. I've done pictures for just close family and friends pretty much. I've stopped advertising and that's helped calm things down so I don't feel like I HAVE to say no as much. It's been good though, kind of like a happy medium. Still doing shoots and loving it, but not overscheduled with the shoots. I've been trying to cut back and just enjoy the summer days with my kids. and it's been really successful, honestly. We've had so much fun in the sun.So much fun not having James at school all the time and being able to play with Dad at the park, in the yard, or jsut watch movies or go to a pool as a family...we love it.

I think that's the key to why I don't love fall as much as summer: my hub is gone. he'll work 9-5 and then have school after 6. It's just enough time to eat a meal, give a kiss and send him on his way again....well there might be enough time to slap his butt on his way out the door as well, but you know...that'll be it.

I love having BBQs. I love swimming. I love laying out in the sun. I love running in a tank and shorts early in the morning. I love the kiddie pool up more often then not in the backyard. I love summer. I want it to slow down and give me more time in this wonderful season full of family time and friends and gatherings.

The movie "Click" had it all wrong. I would never fast forward. I would push the slow motion button and leave it there so that I could enjoy things as long as possible. Because life just goes by way too fast.

I Heart Sundays

2011-07-10T11:58:00.000-07:00

You know, I used to {heart} sundays because I got this spiritual uplift each week either from a lesson being taught or being able to teach a lesson when that was my calling. It was so much more than just our regular study and FHE lessons. It was nice to just not have the kids and talk to other adults about the gospel, raising families in modern days, and being a righteous person despite our difficulties. I loved church and that made me love sunday.

Then we got called to Nursery. long gone are my days of spiritual uplift and my days of bring-on-the-birth-control are in full swing. Don't get me wrong - I love each and every one of those kids. I really do. They are all so different and fun in their own little way and It's fun to read stories and play games, puzzles, sing songs, eat snacks (I join in on that part each week as well...) and so on. It isn't ever a bad calling, only occassionally hard when there are many sad kids. But honestly...that doesn't even happen that often because we are in the senior nursery, so we have older kids, not the 18 month babies. So we rarely deal with lots of tears. you have to put in so much energy each week and it's exhausting of course, but I really do love being in the nursery.

So...why do I love sundays now? Now that I don't have a break from my kids, and now that I don't talk with other men and women in the ward about the gospel? I don't get to meet new people or sit by someone new in relief society?

I don't work.

Sounds simple, and you're porbably assuming I mean I don't manage the office on sunday. That is true. But what I really mean is...I don't work. at. all. Sunday is a day to play with the kids, snuggle and other such things with James while the kids take a long sunday nap...I get to take a nap, we visit family, play game, watch movies, go on walks, invite friends over - any of those things might happen on sundays for us. Do you know what doesn't happen on sundays? dishes. laundry. sweeping. vacuuming. all house chores go out the window on sunday around here. Sure, Monday is kind of insane because I have to catch up from my day off....but it's so nice to just be able to say "i'll do that tomorrow." and not feel guilty about it one.bit.

My kids are finishing up lunch, and then they will go straight down for naps. Because we have early church that means they are extra tired and will usually sleep for a solid 2-3 hours. It's a thing of beauty, it is. then I get to take a nap, read, blog, take another nap - whatever I feel like. And it is oh, so nice.

So happy sunday everyone. If you're like me you may not have gotten any spiritual uplift today, but I hope you can enjoy the day anyway and take the day off from a lot of the regular chores to enjoy the simple fun things. now my kids are wrestling on the kitchen floor...with an umbrella....I guess there are some things I don't get a break from - but that's ok, because those things are hilarious.

Plain Toast and Milk

2011-07-08T08:50:00.000-07:00

1) you know you've been on a diet when you have a dream about eating toast with no butter or jam on it and it tastes good in your dream.

2) When James put Rocky to bed last night, Rocky cried for milk. Whenever you just bring him a cup he throws it back at you - he has to SEE you pour the desired liquid into his cup so that he KNOWS it's what he wants. When I went and got Rocky out of his bed this morning...the entire gallon of milk was in his room. just sitting there. in the middle of the floor. I guess James took the milk in there to show Rocky and forgot to put it back in the fridge. ha. funny boys.

He's a Rockstar

2011-06-30T09:41:00.000-07:00

Rocky is a funny kid.

Seriously.

Everything this kid does makes me laugh. Even if it means a big mess. For example, lately he's been telling us that he pooped in his diaper right after he did it. this is a great sign, because I think we are getting close to time for potty training. We just have to get him tall enough to open doors first...haha. Yeh, he's a pretty small kiddo. But anyway, yesterday he was eating a chocolate chip cookie. A few minutes later he came and showed me his hands covered in brown stuff so that I could wash them. (he likes his hands clean.) Funny thing was...it didn't smell like chocolate, if you know what I mean. So he walks up to me "mom! hands! mom! hands! poop! Diaper!" Yeh...he had played in his poopy diaper. Disgusting...but so funny. Then I got him cleaned up and ready to go into the bathtub for a good scrubbing. The water was way too hot so he stood there for about 30 seconds. That ended up being 30 seconds too long. He peed all over the bathroom. Awesome, buddy. Awesome.

Today has already started off fairly normal - instead of choosing cheerios or trix for breakfast...Rocky prefers Special K Original. Healthy choice, I guess? Weird kid. And I told him so. I would definitely have chosen Trix. But Trix are for kids, so you know...can't choose that one for myself. He's still struggling with the whole spoon and cereal idea. This morning was more entertaining then usual though...He would get the cereal on his spoon, it would fall into his lap on his way to his mouth, he would be disappointed when the empty spoon reached his mouth, and try again. after about 10 of these attempts, he finally noticed it all fell onto his lap. So he started spooning the cereal off his lap and into his mouth. He realized that this was more successful...so he just put the rest of his cereal on his lap (and his chair and floor, etc) and ate all of his breakfast that way. What a funny kid.

Don't get me wrong, he's a pain in the butt when it comes to messes, as you can see. But what is he thinking?!!? I don't know. but it makes me laugh. He tries so hard, bless him. ha. love that kiddo. I can't believe he will be 2 in a month...less then a month. I'm trying not to get sentimental and just be excited. No repeats of last years birthday, that's for sure.

Speaking of which, birthday plans are coming along nicely - I'm going to have face painting, a tree with cotton candy (thanks katie's sis in law for the idea) except that I don't have a tree...so I'll have to come up with something, but I like the idea of cotton candy at a kids' summer bday, you know? A pinata is an excellent idea because I think there might be some older kids there, and that will be fun for them. I tried to get our friends to bring their pony for pony rides...but that is a no go. boo. but we will have a kiddie pool, lots of treats,and games for lil' kids. I think it's gonna be fun, for realsies.

Ok, I can't help it. here comes the sentimental part...

at weeping rock in Zion. he is saying "cheeeeese"

Rocky is one awesome kid. He is always so funny and happy and cool. Seriously, this kid rocks. he was such a hard newborn, but he has been a serious joy since then. He still has tantrums that are unheard of, but in general he is just a happy kid. He yells and screams HAPPILY all the time. He is such a loud little guy. Whenever he sees my brother Jay, he screams as loud as he can "JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" for like 20 full seconds or even longer. He also does this when our neighbor Josh comes over. He just gets so happy and excited about people and friends. He is very social. As sad as I can be about the cute baby stages being over - I am really really excited about his toddlerhood. He has such a fun FUN personality that I think he will be such a fun little kid. Hearing him talk to us, and growl like a dinosaur, and just be able to vocalize things a lot more, I can tell it's gonna be a fun journey with him growing up. So I'm looking forward to it. I'm enjoying each new little thing he does. He can be such a punk...but it's always funny. I get mad at Grace so much easier and I have to make sure Rocky gets in trouble for the same things she does because he just knows how to be so cute and funny when he does something bad or naughty that if I didn't have Grace there watching, rocky would definitely get away with it. I guess he can thank Grace for him actually being disciplined and not turning into a complete spoiled brat. haha.

He's currently watching his favorite show, Little Einsteins. And he sings along and does all the actions. I love it. I'm so glad I got a little boy. He's soooo different from Grace in many many ways. And I remember being so worried about raising a boy because I had no idea what to do with boys - I'd only done the girl thing. But I'm sure glad I got him. It's fun having one of each. It's neat seeing how different they are. And I love that they are BFFs...and I hate when they are worst enemies. ha. That's what happens with siblings, I guess.

I sure love my kiddos. And I'm really glad Rocky is one of them, with all of his quirks and messes, and tantrums....he makes me laugh more often then not, he smiles almost all day, and he laughs so freakin much. He is a joy in our family.

He really is our Rockstar.

Stones that Shine

2011-06-27T10:04:00.000-07:00

I have a confession: I am not great about reading my scriptures. I pray all the time, I really do. But if I read scriptures, it's late at night, in bed, when I'm almost asleep anyway. It's a thing that's always on my "things-to-improve-on" list, but you know...so far I haven't.

I've been trying really hard this week to be a lot better and more consistent about it. And as you may know, we have a lot of big decisions at hand. School, home, when to have the next kiddo, etc. They all kind of intertwine. For example: James has 3 more years of school. We've decided to not buy a home until he is done with school. So do we stay here for 3 years? No, I don't think so. That's a forever long time.I'm thinking a year more and that's it. However...that brings us to the kid decision: we can't have more than 2 kiddos in this apt. I go back and forth and back and forth between wanting another one and saying "we're so done!" haha. it depends on how cute my kids have been or how bad they've been that day. haha. But it is a real decision, and trying to figure out what to do with James' school (does he go fulltime does he not? does he stay at UVU? does he do university of phoenix? etc etc) It seems like too many big decisions all at one time. So I've been feeling fairly overwhelmed in that department.

Well...last night...late...I was reading my scriptures. And I read Ether 6. if you haven't read this recently you should. It's when the Brother of Jared and company travel to the promised land. I used to think the big powerful part of the Brother of Jared was Christ lighting the rocks, and all that. And that's a great part of the story, of course. but there were so many gems in this chapter, I just had to write them down somewhere so I wouldn't ever forget.

6:3 "And this the Lord caused stones to shine in darkness, to give light unto men, women, and children, that they might not cross the great waters in darkness."

OMG. apply that to any trial. anything that is hard in your life at all. God will cause stones to shine for us so that we don't have to get through these hard things in darkness. Then I think about what stones could represent? And I think about people, scriptures, talks in church, kind acts of service, advice from others - anything that has helped guide me through hard things in the past.

6:5 "and it came to pass that the Lord God caused that there should be a furious wind blow upon the face of the waters, towards the promised land; and thus they were tossed upon the waves of the sea before the wind"

We have to go through hard things - God guides us towards the promised land, even with "hard winds." I look back at my life and all the hard things or trials I dealt with all made me a stronger and better person and are what make me have a happier life now. Those are times when god is guiding me towards the promised land.

6:7 "...they were encompassed about by many waters they did cry unto the Lord, and he did bring them forth again upon the top of the waters."

God will not make us endure more than we can handle.

6:8-9 "...the wind never did cease to blow towards the promised land....and he did thank and praise the Lord all the day long; and when they night came, they did not cease to praise the Lord."

I just like that it shows that God continually was guiding them with the wind and that they were grateful for it while it was happening. Their faith didn't waiver. That's impressive. I think if I had been in their shoes, mine definitely would have waivered here and there. but stayed in constant communication with Him - praying, thanking, praising, etc. I like that.

Anyway, sorry to get preachy or whatever, but it just made me think of how so many people I know right now are going through really hard times. And I hope they, and myself, can realize that God guides us to the promised land with strong winds. But that he won't leave us to deal with it in darkness...he will cause stones to shine for us along the journey. And I am ever grateful for that.

Fitness is My Pal

2011-06-23T10:06:00.000-07:00

Well, maybe it's not my pal, per se, but remember how I've been talking about the weight loss dealio that works for me? okey dokes, kids, here it is!

myfitnesspal.com

this website is a free calorie counter. but it also counts your exercise and your protien, fat, sugar, iron, calcium - whatever you want it to calculate and keep track of, it will! You put in all your info, weight, height, age, gender, etc...and then you say how much you weigh, how much you want to lose, and how much you want to exercise each day. then it will calculate a goal for you for how many calories you should consume a day and how much exercise you should aim for to achieve your weight loss goal.

Can I just stop right there and say this is exactly what I've needed? I've tried to count calories before and I write them down on a paper on the fridge, and I'm not good at math so unless I have exactly one serving of something I sit there forever trying to figure it out and blah blah blah it's too much work. What it comes down to in the end is that I'm lazy. And if it's not easy enough to lose weight, then I'm not going to lose any. I also had no way of knowing how many calories were burned when I would go on my regular jog around the neighborhood, or go on a walk with the kids, etc. How could I really figure out my calories? I couldn't.

Remember when I wrote that post about finally being motivated? Well, as you may or may not recall, my good pal Erin made a comment saying "I love good food too, but I just bought size 6 pants. And I love those more." I have to thank Erin for that amazing sentence because It's what I think of everytime I am tempted to go over my calorie count or if I don't want to exercise. And guess what else? Erin is the one who introduced me to my fitness pal. what? Erin, you rock. Thanks.

So I checked out this website...I fill it in pretty much every day (I didn't while I was on vacation...which is probably good seeing as how we ate at jack n the box, dennys, chilis (twice!), cafe rio, pizza hut, and more!) but I really do it frequently, and just being able to visualize and see righ tin front me...of I shouldn't eat those cookies on the counter because I've got to have enough calories left for dinner. But here is the other bonus...what if I really really want those cookies?!!? Um...go running and lift some weights...add it into your exercise...and boom. You can eat those cookies now and not go over your calories for the day. I love having something that tells me what to do, how much, etc. Not to mention, once you submit your entry for the day it says "If everyday were like today you'd weight ____ in 5 weeks!" which I love, because I need to be able to see the goal ahead. I need to know that what I'm doing is paying off. seeing that number...let's me know that It's paying off. and I like it.

except....sometimes I don't like it.

My very first time on the website, I just ate what I normally do and wanted to see what it all added up to. I was curious to see. Granted, it was fast sunday, so .... I kind of stuffed myself silly when it came to dinner time. But it was a real wake up call - I consumed 2800 calories that day. No wonder I hadn't been losing weight. Any exercise I had been doing had been working off the calories I shouldn't have had in the first place! It helped me see what I had been doing, and motivated me to be better. It's really exciting now when it says "Becca completed her entry for today and was under her calorie goal!" or "Becca has lost 1 pound since her last weigh-in! That's 2 pounds so far!" I love those things. I really really do.

this is long. man am I long winded or what? sorry guys...just one more thing...

I found a dress! James and I looked online forever and found some adorable dresses. So we went to the stores to try them on...oh...all of those ones are online only dresses. dang. that kind of sucks. So we found ourselves wondering around the mall in hopes to find a great dress (I need a nice dress...but not formal of course...but not just a cotton skirt and knit shirt...for our friend's wedding and james' HS reunion that is at a wine parlor so...cocktail dress type of dealio...those are not found easily in UT I've discovered. or in Provo anyway...) Anyway, my dress is cute. It fits great over my bum and chest which is awesome...but my tummy is jsut a tad...and i do mean a tad, too big for it. But guess what? I did the unthinkable: I bought it anyway. we'd been shopping for hours and it doesn't look bad as it is, but it'll look great if I lose a few. I have one month until the first time I need to wear it. And according to my lovely calculator...if everyday were like today...I would be 139.8 in 5 weeks.

boom baby!

James' Fashion Sense

2011-06-20T13:59:00.000-07:00

So I have a lot to blog about - our vacation, father's day, still my weight loss dealio that I am loving...

but for the moment I only have a second and I wanted to write this down while I was remembering it.

First of all, James has instructed me that I need a new dress. Shocker! I've been wearing the same sunday clothes since we got married...so yeh, no surprise there. Anyway, but when he saw the dresses I was picking out (mostly from downeast because i love that place!) and he was not as fond of them as I was...he said "Ok you can buy a new dress....but I have to come with you."

first of all, what? he never says things like that. he hates shopping. ha. but I have always wanted him to come along to I didn't complain.

Well...now that we've been to a ton of different stores we've discovered something: I'm a size 10 on top...and a size 12 on bottom....well not really bottom per se, just...my tummy isn't quite ready for a size 10 even though the rest of my body is. that makes it tricky.

but anyway, as we looked through dresses at Macy's James pulled a particular b&w animal print dress out and said.

"dress or not, I don't think putting a cow print on a woman is ever a good idea!"

I am still laughing about it. I knew shopping with my hub would be the best thing ever.

Browsing and Big Decisions

2011-06-10T10:28:00.000-07:00

so it's been an interesting morning. I've not done one house chore, but instead have done things a little differently this morning. for starters, I read the ensign, which was nice. I've really sucked at things like that lately. visiting teaching has never been worse in my book...speaking of which, I just realized, I don't have visiting teachERS. that makes me sad. But I guess I don't blame them, since I've been sucking so bad on my end. But anyway, this is not a confession post today...so moving on...

The visiting teaching message is about self reliance. and I was reading and realizing we are doing awesome on about half of the things...and really sucky on the other half. boo.

The half we aren't doing well on are the temporal preparedness stuff. We don't have a 3 month supply, or 72 hr kits, or anything of that nature. No water stored. Nada. It's been on my mind for a few months, as I blogged about awhile back, and I really think this is a great opportunity for us to get these things while we are at a point where doing such won't break the bank or anything. And each time I go to the store I think about it...but I don't do it. Why, you ask?

I don't know how.

People talk about storing flour and wheat to grind and all that...I'm not going to use those things. ever. flour I will only use if I make apple oven pancakes or homemade choc chip cookies, which both happen on a very rare occassion. So what am I to do? I asked some people and everyone seems to cook a lot more from scratch and things, and I just do not know how to go about it. But this morning, after reading that article, I was determined to at least start, attempt...TRY. So I've been browsing web sites all morning. And LDS.org had a great check list for 72 hr kits that I will put together. It's nice to have a checklist so I can just know what to get instead of coming up with it on my own and then forgetting flashlights or forgetting the batteries for the flashlights. You feel me? I like to have someone tell me what to do. It's one of my main weaknesses: i hate making decisions. I hate saying no. I hate saying yes. It's a problem.

anyway...moving on...

So I had the 72 hr info that I needed. perfect. Next on the list: 3 month supply. LDS.org is nice, but...I didn't find any awesome lists. They tell you what types of things to have, as far as I could see..but nothing specific. I just didn't know how to get started...do I go buy ALL of this things today? Do I buy one weeks worth at a time? I tried one thing, when we really couldn't afford to spend extra monies, was to spend just $5 each week on one thing. peanut butter, pasta, sauce, chicken, etc. It added up fairly quickly and that turned out well, but I don't think I ever reached a full 3 month supply. I did on some things...we def had a supply of pastas and spaghetti sauce and white sauces and potatoes and peanut butter and beans. other then that...I wasn't even close. But I want to not just be close, I really do want to have that supply. So, when I happened upon this blog, Food Storage Lady, I was extremely. happy. This post really helped me know how to figure out what to buy and how to keep it current, etc.

And so it's begun. I'm making a list of meals that we can eat and that we like that can be frozen or are sehlf-stable. I love the idea of always having one extra of something then you need for a 3 month supply, and then when you use that one up, just add it to the grocery list. That way you always have a month supply that is up to date.

I'm not one to can...but...maybe this year I will give it a go...either way, I am excited to get this process started. I know I've said it before, but I really feel like we have been put in this amazing situation and opportunity as a preparatory time for our future. And I really need to treat it as such.

Also, random tid-bit here: Father's Day is around the corner. Any great ideas? My friend posted this link and I know I'll do something similar for my dad and James' gpa...but James and I are on a diet (post about that to come soon! finally found something that works for ME! That in and of itself is a complete miracle!) so I can't fill a bucket up with goodies for him...anyway..let me know if you have some ideas. Thanks!

Happy Friday!

you should feel better about your house

2011-06-09T13:24:00.000-07:00

a few randoms today:

Grace says the craziest things. James has this sort of decor on his office desk. We went to get him for lunch and Grace reached over to touch the decor. James said no and then she replied "but Dad! I just want to play with your balls!" I know i know...I'm so immature. but seriously...my mind goes there every single time someone says that word. I can't help it. I'm like a 13 yr old or something.

We were driving home, and James was riding his scooter in front of us....Grace said very seriously and basically in awe..."Dad is a great man. He can ride his scooter all by himself!" ha. funny girl.

But that's not what today's post is really about. I wanted to confess something. It's been awhile since I've had a confession about being a stay at home mom. Today's confession deals with the house keeping side of my responsibility.

So I'm pretty good about keeping the house clean. I do dishes and sweep and vacuum regularly. In fact...I sweep on average about 5 times a day. There are days where it's only twice, but it's usually more and sometimes it's a lot more! I pick up the toys every evening and make the house look decent right before James gets home from work. haha. But once sunday hits...I take a day of rest. I take it very seriously, you guys. NO dishes. NO sweeping. NO vacuuming. now, obviously, certain messes do require you to do those once in awhile, but in general, I let the house go and just relax and enjoy the day with the family....unless we have people coming over, then that's another story. But anyway...i'm not talking specifically, I'm talking generally. that is all. And generally...our house is clean. I even dust and wash windows and things like that.

But there are certain chores I suck at.

Laundry is a big one. mostly because it's never actually done. I've gotten waaaaayyyy better about it the last month. I've even kept up on it so that each day I just have about 2 batches to do, and hang everything up, etc. But it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks....so this last weekend...I got behind again....

Filing. What in the hell do you do with all of that mail? all of those billing statements and medical statements, and education information, etc? It's not like we need it. Everything is online for goodness sakes. But people say to keep things for like 5 yrs or something. I used to let it get stacked up to at least a foot tall (no lie) on my counter. but then I realized...I could move that pile onto my dresser in my room where people don't really ever see. makes my kitchen counter look a lot better, that's for sure. And every few weeks or months I'd go through that whole pile and get it filed in the filing cabinet, and I'd feel so proud. but then james would bring in the mail...and the vicious cycle would start again.

But when we moved from orem, to the upstairs apt temporarily...and then down here...I didn't go through any of those piles. so instead of one pile...it became two...then three...then four. originally they were all in different places. but then I put them all in my room thinking this would make me go through them because it would be so obtrusive.

it wasn't. they stacked nicely against my wall on my side of the room, by drawers I rarely open. So I mostly just felt like my little areas where they had cluttered before looked nicer and kept thinking that "tomorrow" I'd go through all that shiz. Tomorrow is always a day away, that's the thing...

So...take that filing situation....plus the sunday resting situation...and then add in a few days of being bad at laundry again and letting it get piled up in 3 baskets at the foot of my bed... = major explosion in my room. the house was messy for sure, but nothing a good mornings work couldn't take care of. But our room! it was awful. I started monday morning, determined to clean the house as I always do...knowing tha tI probably shouldn't have taken it so easily on sunday...but whatever...let's clean!

when James called. his brother was dropping in unexpectedly. We haven't seen him since Christmas, and he was only coming for lunch on his way through towards California. So, not wanting my bro-in-law to think we lived in a pig sty, I cleaned and cleaned. the kitchen looked great. the living room, the kids rooms, the bathroom, and even the laundry room. the only thing left by lunchtime, and not too long before he was due to arrive...was our room. That's ok, I thought. easy fix.

just shut the door.

ah, much better. now it looks perfect.

when James called again. "Hey did you clean our room?" nope. I shut the door though, so we're good. "Hmmmmm...well...we're gonna want to play my guitars...."

Oh. your guitars. they are in our room. hung awesomely on the wall...and your amp, and all that jazz...

So I hung up quickly and looked at the big mess. I had about 10 minutes, if that. And then I thought...he won't need to go in the laundry room... and so I picked up the laundry baskets...put them in the laundry room. made the bed. but still...all those freakin piles of papers. So...I took them too. I stacked them on the washer. I then vacuumed the bedroom and it looked better then ever. Only one thing left to do:

close the laundry room door.

done and done.

and there it sits. awaiting it's time when I will need to clean out the laundry room. that time will soon be at hand because I'm pretty sure there is a leak in there and my landlord/boss will have to go in there. and I really have no where else to hide it this time, so I have to actually go through it.

except wait...what about those drawers I rarely open I mentioned earlier...or just a big box that says "papers and mail 2010/2011...there's got to be something I can do with it other than actually clean it up...

Paris

2011-06-08T09:32:00.000-07:00

did I tell you that my brother Jay, my sister Emily, my brother James and his wife Emily...are ALL going to Paris in a few weeks?

I didn't?

Well that's because I was too jealous to talk about it. haha, not really, but I have to say, I think it would be freaking awesome to go. They are going to have sooooo much fun. And I would have been able to take sooo many cool pics...but what can I say? I don't even have a passport let alone the funds to get there.

but wait...

perhaps Paris could be in my future...maybe not in a few weeks...but check out THIS amazing giveaway! A trip for 2 to paris...for 7 days...in a fantastic hotel...with my luck I won't win. But I'm feeling pretty lucky today so who knows? Oh, and sorry, Erin. I didn't mean to lessen your chances. But...it was too good to not try for, you know?

i didn't know her

2011-06-02T08:50:00.000-07:00

So I have kind of a neat story.

It all started when an old friend from high school randomly messaged me on facebook. She told me about her photographer pal in AZ that had planned to do a maternity shoot up here, but was unable to come up as originally planned. She said the baby was due soon, and could any utah photographer do the shoot in her place?

that already sounded pretty fun, so I was up for it. But there was more...this was a 16 year old girl who was pregnant. And was giving her baby boy up for adoption. Already, I was touched. I didn't know why at the moment, but it kind of got to me in an emotional way.

As I talked with her and her grandmother on the phone, planning the shoot, I felt even more amazed by this young woman. She talked of how it would be such a blessing for the baby. I told her I was impressed with her strength. She said it took more strength than most people realized. she was sweet. and humble. I then asked her a goober-ish question: "Have you seen Juno?" Of course she had. And I admitted to crying every single time I see that movie.

My hub wondered why she wanted photos if she was giving the baby up for adoption. I thought maybe just as to document it or to use to promote adoption in some way. but I wasn't sure.

So I asked her.

She said that she wanted photos of it, her family wanted photos, it was an open adoption so the adoptive parents wanted photos as well. She said the pictures would be going to a lot of people.

And that made me so happy. It made me happy because I saw that she had a support system. So many teens that get pregnant do not have a support system. They are disowned. They are embarrassed. They hide from it. This girl was getting a photo shoot of the event. I liked that. It showed me her willingness to own up to what she had done and move forward. This girl has so much strength and courage, I cannot even tell you.

So last Friday, her and her Grandma came on down. And we did the photo shoot.

She was beautiful! Every picture literally came out to perfection. She knew how to pose, and I seemed to do better with my camera then ever before. It was amazing! As we talked, she told me more about herself. The father of her baby and her had planned on getting married. But not too long before the wedding, he left. He didn't want that responsibility. Maisie...having grown up without a Dad consistently in her life, had to make the hard choice - this baby she had planned on keeping, raising, and loving - she then decided to give it up for adoption to home with both mother and father. She said she knew what it was like to not have a dad, and she wasn't going to do that to this baby.

I am almost crying thinking about what a mature and great decision that was. I cannot imagine, no matter my age, going through the first part of my pregnancy thinking that it is my baby. I'm the one who is going to raise it. And start that connection and bond that mothers get with their babies while they are pregnant. and then...having to take those emotions...and turn them a completely different direction. this is not my baby. I am not going to raise this child. I am going to give this child to a family that can't have one of their own. Courageous is really the only word that I can think of.

As we went through the shoot, outfit changes, and pose changes, I really got a feel for this girl. I talked to her about my own trials and overcoming people's judgments. She told me about how hard it was for her to have people who were also having sex to be judging her. People who were making the same wrong choice...but not getting caught, judged her the most. I wanted her to know that even good people make dumb choices. good people can do bad things. But those very same good people, can overcome them and become right with God again, and start anew.

It had been a crazy day, and they came while I was taking care of the office...so they saw my messy house, my crazy kids, and me attempting to do many things at once. But they were sweet and understanding. I loved spending time with them.

Once the shoot was done...we looked at the photos on the computer. They looked amazing, I'm not going to lie. I told her that next time I needed a model, I was calling her because she was sooo perfect. She thought that sounded like a great idea.

they headed home, and I began editing right away. I posted some on facebook for them to see. I was so excited. I had felt so strongly to do this shoot, and it had gone so well. And then I recieved this email from her grandma:

Hi Becca I just wanted to say thank you sooooo much for the session for Maisie yesterday she really loved it and it just gave her the boost she needed ...... We never know how someones life can touch ours for good in just a fleeting moment, or why someone is put in our way at the exact time we need it. The spirit in your home was just lovely and I think it shows in your pictures, it was the best day Maisie has had for a long time and will certainly help to prepare her for the hard days ahead, so THANK YOU again for your generosity and kindness and we love the pic. on facebook, its beautiful. keep in touch love Jo xxx

I cried as I read this. Because it taught me something very important: my photos came out so perfect because I had the spirit helping me. This girl needed beautiful photos. This girl needed to get a boost and feel better about herself. And this girl, at this time, needs to be remembered for her strength and beauty. I hope her little boy can look at those photos one day and be so grateful that his mom made the choice to give him to a stable home and situation. I know he will be grateful. And I know the adoptive parents will be so blessed by her good choice.

I had told Maisie during the shoot that I was so proud of her to making good things, major blessings really, come out of a hard situation. And I am.

I wish all pregnant teens could make as good of choices after getting pregnant. But they don't. Maisie truly is an amazing girl. Adoption is a major blessing for the baby and for the parents. Maisie was able to see that.

It's crazy - I didn't even know her. But I felt a connection. When I read that email from my friend, I knew I had to do it, I wanted to do it. I was already touched by her and her story before I got to know her. Then she came, and I met her, and I love her. I am so grateful for this experience. It taught me how we really can have a positive experience if we follow the spirit. It showed me that when we feel strongly to do something, we must do it - it will be a great thing. And you know, the crazy part about it all, is that whether I had a positive effect on her or not doesn't matter - she had a positive influence on me. It has made me realize that you can make good things come from a hard situation. even if you make a bad choice, you can make good things come from it. It takes major strength, more than we even realize.

Maisie has that strength.

thanks, google!

2011-05-27T12:42:00.000-07:00

Well today has been a helluva day. seriously. I think my kids just plot when to make all their big messes. because it always always happens on the same day that it's just mess after mess after freakin' mess. i'll spare you from all the minor messes today, but let me tell you about the big one:

we were walking around the property checking on some units, when grace found a permanent marker in the aisle way. I told her to pick it up and take it to the office. Once we got home, the phone rang, and I was stuck in the office for about 10 minutes. The kids had been playing in the backyard, so I wasn't too worried. When I came back into the house, the kids had let themselves inside. Grace was coloring some pages on the table (not unusual) and Rocky was holding down the water thing on the fridge, just letting the water spill all over him and the floor and laughing. Water, though still a mess, is a quick clean up. one towel, change of shirt, and it's fixed. So I did that. But it smelled weird...what was that smell?

then I saw it. then I realized what the smell was.

permanent ink.

grace showed me her picture. it was all done. it was all black. it was an 8x10 page full of permanent black marker. I didn't get mad at her then. I knew she didnt' know the difference because I had never taught her the difference as all my perma markers are in a box up in my closet with my scrapbooking stuff.

But I still had a mess. And I taught her the difference between that marker and others right then and there. She knew I was upset, but she wasn't punished.

SO, thinking hairspray would work, as I remember my mom spraying a lot of things when I was a kid...I sprayed. I sprayed and wiped. sprayed and scrubbed. Sprayed, let it sit, scrubbed, then wiped. Not a bit of difference. So I called my sister. She recommended hairspray first. She said that had gotten a lot off her table before but not all of it. Then she had used a Magic Eraser, which had taken the finish off of her table as well as the marker. So that was my absolute last resort. If it hadn't been such a large spot I would have just left it. but it was a big big spot on our nice new table. (new as in 6 mos old) So I turned to google.

Thank goodness for google!

I typed in "permanent marker removal from wooden table" One of the first things that popped up was THIS. And although that actual article suggest things like bleach and WD40 (yeh...like I'm going to rub those things all over my table!) one of the comments on it said she had used toothpaste, the white thick kind, not a gel, let it sit for 5 min, and scrubbed with an old toothbrush. She said it had taken the marker off and left the wood finish on! this sounded exactly like what I needed.

So I tried it.

I put lots of toothpaste on. And I scrubbed like there was no tomorrow. I even let it sit for 10 minutes instead of 5. I was determined. The first round didn't get all of it off, but the finish was still there, so I was very happy. So I tried again. And this time I scrubbed even harder and longer. A total scrubbing of about 45 min. I imagine if I used that toothpaste and all the brushing towards Grace's teeth, she might not have stains on her teeth...thank goodness they are baby teeth. That was a rookie mistake on my part with not brushing her teeth til she was like 2. What was I thinking? I don't know, but how did we get talking about this?

oh yeh. scrubbing. toothbrushes. got it.

As i wiped away the paste ,I saw my lovely table with zero marker on it...

and zero finish.

boo.

I guess I scrubbed too much because all the lil spots i scrubbed more than the first time I scrubbed the finish off of. this made me want to cry. So i found some old furniture polish, and started polishing away. It made those spots look good. even better then the rest of the table...

so naturally...i had to polish the entire table...

then james called and told me to get the girll heating so he could BBQ something for lunch. I headed outside when what did I see? marker. everywhere. on everything. the kids play table. the chairs. the CEMENT. all over the freakin cement. Grace got called outside. and then she got the mean-mom version of me. then she got time out. for a long...long...time. I understnad not knowing to use that marker..she was coloring paper...that is ok to color paper. how would she know it would leak through? But she totally knows not to color every single thing outside. Granted, I should never have let her even hold that marker in the first place...rookie mistake again, mom. rookie mistake.

I haven't googled getting marker off of cement yet...but I think I'll wait until tomorrow...

my arms are really really tired.

I don't know what it means...

2011-05-25T15:16:00.000-07:00

So awhile back my sister-in-law, Diane, passed on a blogger award to me. i felt pretty special, not gonna lie, because I don't ever get awards for anything. So it was fun to get.

Well...I guess she knew I liked it, because she has passed on yet another blogger award to me. Thanks Diane! This one is the "Stylish Blogger Award." I don't actually know what that means. I am definitely not stylish in my fashion and what I wear. My blog is kind of modern, you know, with gray and blue? maybe? haha, well either way, this is how it works:

So here are the rules

Link back to the person who awarded you. (see above)
Tell us 7 things about yourself (see below)
Award 15 more deserving bloggers
And the time consuming part: tell the people you have awarded.

Well, here is the thing...I don't need to tell you 7 things about me because if you read my blog you already know everything about me and more! If there is one thing I have a problem with, it's knowing when to shut-up already. So since Diane (the one that gave me the award) didn't think she had 7 things to say about herself...I'm going to say 7 things about HER. Check out her blog. You will be amazed.

THINGS ABOUT DIANE

1. She is a mother of 8 kids. Did you hear...i mean read...that?!!? EIGHT children. And her blog is called The More the Merrier. How cute is that? Now, I am the youngest of 9 (see? I can't even help but talk about myself! this is why you already know everything about me) and it didn't seem like that big of a deal as kid growing up with that many siblings. but now as a mother ...of 2...suddenly that starts to sound really really hard. But thing about Diane is that she never complains about how hard it might be to have that many kids. She talks about how much she loves it, how much she loves her children, she plays happily with her baby and cuddles her toddlers, throws parties with her pre-teens and plays games with them all. She is one fantastic mother.

2. She is super-mom, as I have kind of mentioned. But seriously, she keeps her house in order, her chores get done, she has a schedule to get them done, she exercises while her young kids nap, and she makes them yummy meals and snacks everyday.

3. The gospel is 100% priority to Diane. She teaches her children the gospel and is a great example of how to live the gospel. She holds family prayer and scripture study, family home evening, and attends the temple regularly. I don't KNOW this, but from what I DO know about Diane, I'm going to guess that she hasn't missed a month going to temple in a very long time. I find myself getting "too busy" and it gets to be the end of the month and I realize we haven't gone yet, so we try to squeeze it in the last few days. Sometimes we make it and sometimes we don't. Knowing Diane...I don't think there is a "sometimes" when it comes to temple attendance. And that is fantastic.

4. This woman has amazing faith. I remember when my brother, her hub, lost his job in Kansas and they moved here to Utah. They knew it was the right thing. They sold their home and moved on over while she was preggers with # 7. I remember thinking that they had some sort of plan when they got here. Turns out...they didn't. They knew that it was right and where they needed to be. They knew that God would take care of them. They trusted the Lord. I'm sure she was nervous at times, and I know it was a hard summer of looking for employment, housing, and all that goes along with that. But i never saw her faith waver. She always spoke with confidence that everything was going to work out. She knew God would take care of them. And guess what? He did.

5. Diane says what is on her mind. I love this trait about her. there are many people pleasers around and that gets old. After marrying someone who also says exactly what he thinks when he thinks it, I can tell you that it is really is a positive quality to have. I can always trust that when Diane says something...she is sincere. She means it. And I love that.

6. Diane is funny. I frequently find myself laughing along with her as we talk together about motherhood, marriage, nieghbors, friends, our pasts, family, - whatever it is. We always have a good conversation and we always seem to laugh.

7. Diane is a sweetheart. She is quick to compliment when someone does something nice or looks cute. She is sensitive to her children when they are sad or upset. She is quick to apologize (even when she doesn't need to.) She is a strong woman, but with a good heart.

I am so glad that she is in my family. Aren't I lucky?

Yes I am.

As for the 15 bloggers...here are some of my faves.As you will realize, my favorite blogs are for comedic relief, and for mother moments and inspiration on being a better mom. You will find all that and more with these blogs:

We Got Married So Now We Have a Blog - she is hilarious. you will love her witty ways, her passion for simple things, and mostly just her happy and fun nature that you see in her writing. I love this girl.

Our Family Adventures - my cousin tells about being a mom to her adorable kids. and believe me...she has some great stories to tell! not to mention some great ideas to share!

Casey & Matthew - my cousin's wife. she is a doll. she loves books and movies, and is smart and clever. I'm always excited to see what she's posted about because it is sure to be interesting and fun.

Morrise Moments - family friends. A cute mother of 2 handsome boys. She loves challenging herself and she relishes in being a mom.

Clancy B. & Me - adorable pal from high school that is so frekain happy and cute all.the.time. you will love her blog and her adorable baby girl, Magnolia. check it out.

Life is Beautiful - my sister. she is so funny, real, and blunt. I lvoe reading about her happy fun days as a mom...and her crazy days when she want's to sell her kids to the zoo. haha. She is a great mom.

The Halls - friend from high school. cute cute mom with a cute cute daughter. so many great stories! You can tell she loves being a mother, and that spreads to whomever is reading her blog.

My Wife Says I'm an Investment - the one and only blog I know of that both the wife and hub post on the blog. and both are hilarious! great writing. and great stories. read it!

H&M - my pal from college and his wife. they are just cool. "rad" is basically the only word that can come close enough to describing them....and their blog.

A Mama's Journal - hello cute mama! this girl is great. another great mother with awesome stories and sweet moments to share about being a mom.

Sweet-Awesomeness - i love this blog. she is sooo funny in how she relates her stories and feelings about her kid(s). My fave is when she is overly obsessive about how adorable her kid is. Some people complain about blogs that talk about how cute their kid is...but I love it. Because all mothers know that you get obsessed with your children and think that every tiny thing they do is adorable...at least until their 2...but anyway...it's a great read and def entertaining.

Rick and Jodi - such a funny and clever girl. witty is a good word, I think. i love reading her blog.

Me and My Peeps my sister in law rosanne. she shares great photos of her kids and her work (she is a photographer as well.) and she always has good mom stories to share.

Brenster um julie and julia...the second! She is doing a challenge to make all the recipes in some giant cookbook. everything looks delish. and when I got re-aquanited with her recently...i loved her all the more! this girl is a doll.

The Everlasting Hills - funniest mom ever. this girl cracks me up. I pretty much die laughing every time. It's funny because she talks like she isn't a great mom and acts like she doesn't know what she's doing...but everything she does and says = great mother. it's an excellent read.

Mommy and her Babes - one of the best moms. she is super loving, super sweet, and loves being a mom more than anything. she is sooo frekain in love with her kids. i've never seen anyone who was as affectionate. she teaches them, plays with them, and loves them constantly. and that all comes out in her blog as well. check it out.

OH WOW THAT TOOK FOREVER! now that my day is gone, I hope you go check out all of these awesome blogs. I took the time to post them, so you should be awesome and take the time to visit them. I promise you won't be disappointed.

Happy Wednesday!

emotional

2011-05-21T22:42:00.000-07:00

remember that line in You've Got Mail where he says "do you ever feel you've become the worst version of yourself?"

I remember it. and I do feel that way sometimes. I don't feel like in general I've become the worst version of myself, but there are days, like say...today...where I am definitely the worst version of me.

Ironically these days seem to present themselves...hmmm...about once a month or so....but still...I'm not blaming my actions on anything, not even mother nature. ;o)

but it makes me sad. and I treat my husband badly. and I lose my patience with my kids so quickly. and I'm tired. and I don't feel well. I recognize when I am acting this way and I think becca, you can beat this. you have the control to choose to be happy and nice. And I believe that. I know I really am able to choose how I act and how I feel and especially, how I treat people.

and i think knowing that I can choose to be nice and happy despite emotions and such...makes me hate who I am choosing to be on these bad days.

Don't get me wrong, we had a nice day today. We did some really fun things. we took the kids to a friends house to ride horses and feed the horses. It was great. We went to Home Depot and bought all the stuff we needed to make a nice flower patch in our yard, with a brick edge and everything. Then we went home and we put it together. It was really nice working together and being outside in nice weather.

But I didn't laugh today. I didn't smile, even, that much. I did my best to not just cry, and not even for a good reason, or a reason at all. And everyone seemed to annoy me in one way or another. I was rude and short. I blew up at James over a simple question. and I even thought at one point do you even know why you're mad right now? And I didn't. If you boys think girls are crazy, guess what? We are. If you say "i'm never going to understand women" you're right! We don't even understand ourselves when we act this way.

or am I just talking about me?

perhaps i'm the only one who is so irrational. It's definitely a possibility.

and that was it: that's the worst version of me. I'd like to say that I'm a friendly person, and I'm personable, nice, and fun to be with. But today...I wasn't. I even felt like the friends and family we interacted with were just completely bored, and I didn't even attempt to change that.

That, really breaks my heart. Why couldn't I be a good hostess? I love LOVE hosting. I love having people over. I love to be with friends and have a good time. But I couldn't muster the energy. I couldn't put forth the effort. I was the worst version of myself. And I hated it.

So now, at the end of the day, I am still emotional and just want to go to bed, but I have to do dishes and vacuum up a bunch of ants (they are dead) that tried to come into our house today. gross. poison is my friend when it comes to ants. I hope tomorrow I can choose to be a better version of me. I hope I can be kind and friendly and fun. I hope that I can be patient and loving. And when our friends come over for dinner...I hope they don't leave early because of me not being welcoming.

here's to better days...and to a better version of becca

Loving My Assets

2011-05-19T23:28:00.000-07:00

So this is a blog about a stay-at-home mom's confessions right? eh....kind of.

Well kids, lucky for you readers out there, this post actually is a confession. and it's one I definitely did not have to deal with until I became a mother.

I am a fairly confident person with few insecurities. I count that as a major blessing in my life and am grateful for that. However, I do still have those insecurities. Due to giving birth to 2 kids and being stretched to...well...this size...

...I have come to realize that one (or...quite a few) of my insecurities is my tummy. waist. love handles. back love handles. I didn't even know those existed until after I had children and those back love handles seemed to hang on for dear life.Thanks for that, kiddos. Love you!

Now, that probably wasn't a surprise kinf of confession for you since I have been posting about weight a lot it seems. So here is my real confession. A purchase I made over a week ago...

I bought Spanx.

I have been talking about losing weight and kept trying...and then getting busy and forgetting...and then re-pumping and trying hard again...and then getting busy and forgetting...then getting lazy...then after shopping for a swimsuit...got re-pumped and motivated...it was a vicious cycle as you can see. And the truth was...I would lost and gain 5 lbs back and forth back and forth. And it is frustrating because one day I care, and the next day I don't. Or the next day I'mm too busy to care or too hungry to care, or too tired to care. Whatever the reason --- I'll use it! ha. So...i'm still trying to be motivated but it is proving difficult.

So I thought...well...maybe while I'm losing this weight, as it is taking longer then I would like, I will purchase some...and I could barely bring my mind to think the word....spanx. I know that some of you probably own a pair yourself or have thought of getting some or whatever. I find nothing wrong with owning a pair...except...well...they look like THIS.

Now, of course, only James is lucky enough to see my hot body in these hot "high-waist mid-thigh super control shapers" but still.

they look like that. they really do. oh but wait...not really...because do you notice that the model in this photo is...well...thin? or at least, thinner than I am? She is definitely not in need for the item being modeled. that is all I have to say.

here is more confessing: I was happy to buy them because I thought "hey it'll make things fit on me a little better, and that's great." But I wouldn't put them on. Not when we got home for the store. Not when I got ready for church the next day. Not when I got dressed the day after that...I wouldn't open the package. I didn't want to wear them, even though I wanted to look better in them. So tonight...I finally put them on.

and guess what?

the ironic part about spanx is that even though they make them in my size...they are still too small! they tuck me in and hold everything in place...except they push all that chubby, stretched out skin from my sweet babies up and over that tight lil waistband, creating an A-mazing love handle....an inch below my bra. how hot is that?

I'll tell you: hot.

not really. it's pathetic. I thought swimsuit shopping was bad, but wearing something that is supposed to help tuck you in a little bit, and all it does is push it out at a different location...that my friends is bad.

The package says right on it "Love your ASSETS!" And I can tell you...I am not in love. And I just want to complain like a spoiled brat for a moment: why does my body have to look this way? it's not bad. it's a great body...but it was even better before I had kids. no stretch marks. no flabby belly. it was firm, it was tan. it was fantastic. And I wasn't even small! but my SKIN was so much better. and my FAT positioned itself in better places. Since having kids, it's pretty much a competition between my boobs and my tummy about which can be the saggiest. thanks to the brazier I am able to help the boobs out a little bit, but my tummy...no such luck. I was hoping for the spanx to do that job for me. I will just have to keep at the weight dealio. I guess there are no tricks to looking thin or in shape. You actually have to do the work to be thin and in shape. That sucks. I didn't used to have to do the work. I used to eat what I wanted when I wanted. Gah...why do I have to grow up?! Teenage body, come back! please...!

ok my rant is over. I feel better. sometimes I just have to get my ridiculous emotions out of me, and then I am better.

So what did I learn from buying Spanx? 1) you have to already be small for them to work, in which case, I don't know why you would be buying them anyway... 2) I'm definitely motivated to eat better and work out again. which is handy because we are going out to eat tomorrow night for our friend's birthday....perfect timing right? and the vicious cycle continues...

Stats

2011-05-19T09:33:00.000-07:00

So I check my stats of my blog every now and then...not too often because they don't change by that much. If you don't know what I'm talking about, it's one of the tabs under your design section for your blog: "stats." It tells you where people are finding your blog, what countries, which posts have the most views, etc. It's kind of fun to look at a couple times a month to see what changes.

One of the things that it shows is what search keywords people have entered in and then clicked on your blog...I get a lot of things like "confessions of a country mom" which makes sense. confessions...mom...both in my title. or things like "stay at home mom activities" and things like that. those make sense

well...

today, I found some interesting ones, that I cannot stop laughing about.

"family poop confessions"

and the question...

"why does his declaration of love scare me so much?"

I was curious to know how they got to my blog. So I searched the first one. And I didn't see my blog in the first like 4 pages so I stopped looking after that and entered in "family poop confessions of a stay at home mom" and guess what? my blog is like still on the 2nd or 3rd page, and the only thing it quoted was my post about NieNie choosing to stay with her family. So I am 100% confused by that. maybe it was a Bing search...

So as for the next one...it came up with completely random stuff because it is so long. Maybe I don't understand this keyword search statistic...but either way...I find it highly entertaining that those keywords were matched up with my blog at all. Awesome.

I Need a Drink...

2011-05-17T20:15:00.000-07:00

that is...if I were a drinker, I'd need a drink. It has seriously been one of those days. Let's give a quick sum-up:

It's garbage day, so I went out to take the black cans out onto the street. By the time I came in, Grace was screaming in the bathroom. I rushed in to see what the problem was, only to realize, too late, that I had stepped into a massive puddle of pee. At this point, I lost my temper. It was silly, really. But I got pee on my new Vans. I know they are just shoes, but I love them, and did I really have to step in a large puddle of pee in those shoes? any other pair of shoes, I could have been ok with. but not my new vans. seriously.There was pee all the way from the kitchen table to the toilet, and there was a lot of it! That poor girl, I don't know how much she must have had to drink the day before, but it all came out in a hurry! She was soaking. the rugs in the bathroom and the towels , and my shoes...all had pee on them. Awesome.

Then I get a call - long story short, people had been told to move into #43 (storage unit) and had moved into #143 on accident. it caused a lot of problems. it took awhile to fix and keep everyone happy. but we finally did fix it and everyone was happy.

I come back in to find rocky dumping his milk onto my desk chair. it's a wooden chair, like for a kitchen table, but it has an upholstered seat. and now it had...a milky upholstered seat. So I began sopping it up, rinsing it, Oxi Clean-ing it, etc.

Then I had a bunch of people come into the office with random requests. The first time I came back into the apt, rocky had smushed a bunch of fruit snacks into the carpet. The second time I came back in from the office, Rocky had crumbled a few pieces of bread all over the kitchen table, living room carpet, rug, and couch.

After cleaning all of that I was finally getting to my regular chores, which consisted of dishes, laundry, and cleaning the bathroom.

I had only gotten to unload the top rack in the dishwasher when Grace exclaimed "mom, it's raining in our house!" She makes up stories all the time, so I chuckled and said "oh really? You might need an umbrella..." And then I looked over at her...only to see water dripping from the ceiling onto our couch and couch pillows. awesome, yet again. I put a towel and bowl under the leak, called my boss/landlord and he came over instantly to begin repairs. He was upstairs (the kitchen sink upstairs was leaking) and so I was just waiting for the leak to stop and meanwhile, left the bowl and towel there. the office phone rang, so I answered, talked for a few minutes to help the customer, and turned around to see Rocky with the bowl upside down on our living room rug. Gross gross water on my almost-white rug...perfect.

As it finally came to dinner time, I hadn't even gotten passed unloading the dishes, but was starting to cook salmon for the first time. it sucked. it took longer to cook then expected (by like an hour! sheesh) and the recipe called for 1/3 cup soy sauce. WAY too much. That's all you could taste. I couldn't taste the garlic powder, or the lemon pepper or even the salt...I could only taste soy sauce. the kids were ornery, rocky threw his food on the floor and wiped his greasy hands all over his face, arms, chair, legs, clothes...anything within his reach. We all finished down the extremely mediocre meal, and I got Rocky in the tub.

Now...it is 9:12. The kids are in bed. my house is a mess. I have used more Oxi Clean today then the entire year put together. My back is screaming in pain. and I haven't even started folding all the effin laundry.

does it surprise you that I wrote this post on the same day that I wrote the previous post about what makes me happy?

yeh...me too. that's why I write it down. because if I didn't...days like today might make me forget that's how I feel.

now where's my drink?

What Makes You Happy?

2011-05-17T17:38:00.000-07:00

You know, I think happiness is such a strange word. I think that we (and be "we" I mostly mean "me" or "I" if you want the sentence to actually make sense) try to make it be this big thing. I remember when we were first saving for a home back in 2008, and I just kept thinking, whenever some frustration or hard time would come, "It'll all be fine once we have our house." And guess what? We didn't get a house. And it kind of shattered me a little bit because I felt like my big dream of getting a home of my own had been ruined. that dream had been ruined, that was true, but why did it crush me so much? Looking back, I think it was because I felt like a home was the missing piece to my full happiness. I don't want to sound like I wasn't happy at this time, because I was. I was stressed out because life was hard at that time, but I was still happy. I think I just wanted life to be perfect. Like everything would come together and be perfect once we had a house.

it sounds so silly, now, doesn't it? But you can even look back at my blog at that time, and you'll see how I felt about all this at the time. a little dramatic to be sure, but I really did feel like a house is what would make me perfectly happy.

Well, then I accepted that not having a home was ok. but we didn't have money either. So I felt like if I could just get my photography going, then things would be ok. that would fill the missing segment to our perfect life I could earn money, have a break from the kids, feel accomplished in some manner, etc. Well...then photography started picking up a lot about 6 months ago...and we got this gig where finances are no longer a stress, at least - and I was so busy.

I was working the office 9-6. Doing shoots in the evenings and on my days off from work. And I felt like my "career" was picking up, and doing great. And our financial situation was fantastic. But you know what?

I was missing something. Missing something even more than I was missing 2 years ago. I felt like it was too much. I felt like it was exhausting. Fun, but exhausting. And it really hit me what was actually going on.

I've been trying to "define" myself as something more than just a mom. I wanted to have something under my belt. I wanted a career. I wanted an education. You know, I had originally planned to finish school and do my career for a few years before I ever got married. Marriage was not in my immediate mind set when I graduated high school. I wanted to do all the college life and career life and all that.

But then I met James...one thing led to another...and another...and 2 kids later here I am. And I realized I've been trying to make up for that. I meet so many women that have gotten their education first, postponed having children to fullfill their desires to be educated and successful. And I admire them. I think they are doing wonderful things with their talents and time. But some part of me was trying to say "Hey, I didn't do all that, but I can do this and this and this..." like I had to compensate for something. haha.Like I had to make up for choosing to have a family first. I loved that I had my family first, but I still felt like I had to make up for it in some way, as if I was lacking something.

And I have to say...now that I'm at a point where I feel like I have it all...(I don't...I don't have a home and James doesn't have his degree yet...but you know what I mean...things are better then before in many ways...few stresses currently on my mind) I've really had a wake up call.

Slowly, my happiness that had been set on things...things I thought meant so much to me, things I wanted to "define" who I was (money, photography/career, a home, etc) those things slowly matter less as I am loving my role as a mother more and more.

Perhaps it's the lucky and fun stages my kids are in right now. I say lucky because Grace is out of terrible twos and Rocky isn't quite in them yet... Perhaps it's the lack of financial stress. And perhaps it's that I'm getting a feel for what all of that would mean...you know, if I really did have it all.... and I find myself just wanting to be with my family, with my husband and children, more and more and do all those other things less and less.

I'm finally ok with not having an education. I'm finally ok with not having a home. I'm finally ok with James still having at least 7 semesters left of school...oh wait...no I'm not. haha. I am far from ok with that! But I really feel that as I have accepted how things really are...as I have accepted who I am...I can better know what brings me the greatest joy.

and it's not through money that I find my greatest joy...though I do find some joy in it.

and it's not through photography that I find my greatest joy, even though I love it.

and it's not through looking at homes or planning for what our future home will look like.

Lately, what has brought me the greatest joy has been my children. I love to play with them. I love their craziness. And hey, they make me mad, and upset and crazy, and frustrated plenty, it's true. But I guess I'm just figuring out that despite all that...it's still the thing that makes me the happiest. Being with my children is what I would like to be doing most. I'd rather be coloring the ABCs then editing photos. I'd rather be outside in the yard playing in the water or having a tea party then working in the office.
My greatest joy is hanging out with my kids and laughing with them. Teaching them. Loving them.

afterall, "Adam fell that men might be, and men are, that they might have joy." Thanks for that, Adam.

Quick Review

2011-05-15T21:34:00.000-07:00

So I watched (against my will) The Sorcerer's Apprentice this weekend. And I have to admit, I liked it. I didn't love it, but I liked it and was definitely entertained.

HOWEVER

the main guy bugged me so freaking bad. I thought his voice worked well in How to Train Your Dragon. but once his face is combined with his voice...it is just too much. The thing that bothered me the most in that movie was that, instead of having a normal look on his face, he had this kind of a look on his face. As you can see, he isn't that crazy looking on the red carpet. Granted, he's no Brad Pitt, but he's fine, whatever. but in this movie he just looked handicap the entire time. It was too much to handle. Why did he get that part? I don't know. But I wish he hadn't. I would have enjoyed the movie more, I think, had it been someone with a less obnoxious voice and face. I know, it's cruel to say, but when you're a celebrity...for some reason it's ok for the regular public with acne, love handles, and bad hair to criticize the best looking people.

haha. ok, I have more serious things to blog about on another day, so for now, I will let you go with just this.

Happy Sunday Night!