Tis the Season

Emotional. That is what happens to me at this time of year; I become even more emotional than I naturally am. (poor james) However, at least it is usually over GOOD things. Just in the last week I have had a few things bring tears to my eyes.

I listened to O Holy Night. The words struck me and as I scrubbed the dishes I cried and made a sucky attempt at singing a long, "...till he appeared and the soul felt it's worth......a thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices, for yonder breaks, the new and glorious morn. fall on your knees..."

I was waiting at a red light, and the traffic with the green light was suddenly stopped by a car that had died. in most times that I have seen this happen it takes a few minutes of pissed off people to finally help someone out. the driver got out, and tried to push and stear at the same time, however, it wasn't 10 seconds before 4 guys, from different vehicles, jumped out and pushed this car across the street and down a block to the gas station.

I cried.

At work I see a lot of people do strange things in the mall. People think the mall is a great place to show their weird side (mostly teens) but there was one girl, not dressed in scrubs or anything, but she was escourting a very old handicap man as well as a handicap man about in his 30's. As they stood next to my kiosk I heard them talking and she so kindly talked to them about where did they want to go next? who did they want to get presents for? what did they want for christmas? She was taking them christmas shopping. Whether it was her job or not, it was a sweet thing to witness. Since I was at work, I didn't let any tears fall, but my eyes definitely got watery.

A family of four, about the age of my own family of four...walked together in the mall, each parent holding a kid, and all of them were laughing, even the baby.

It's just that time of year. People are happy. People are closer than they were 2 months ago. People are quicker to serve to help out their fellowmen. I've seen such things happen in my own family, but it's wonderful to see it all around me with people I don't know or have never met, and yet, their simple actions and state of being are an example to me. I love this time of year (minus the snow.)

"The weary world Rejoices."

I don't know how to spell it...

Surragate. that's the word I can't spell...or maybe I can. I don't actually know. Anyway my friend posted on her blog about her awesome cousins who are trying to adopt. I, too, have some cousin's who are trying to adopt, and so this subject has been on my mind for a very long time. They've been trying to adopt for like 8 years or something like that, and still, nada.

Well James and I get preggers pretty darn easy and so I tend to make a joke (and I never remember how terrible it sounds until I've say out loud) that if he gets me pregnant too soon, they can just have our kid. But that joke started me thinking in a slightly serious way. What does it mean to be a surragate mother? what I think it means is that they take the sperm and egg of the people who can't have a baby for whatever reason, and put it in another lady who carries the baby for them. then like, the second that baby is delivered that lady's part of the deal is done.

is this how it works? and people pay like a lot for this, right?

So I started thinking. and I thought some more. And it came down to me deciding that if someone close to me really couldn't have babies and wanted one so terribly and I just knew they would be a great mom....I think I'd do it. I think I would carry a baby for 9 months for someone and give it to them. There would be conditions though. I'm no saint. It would HAVE to be their sperm and egg or someone else's because if I thought that ANY part of that baby was mine....I don't think I could give it up. The other thing is what about the EMOTIONAL attatchment that would occur during those 9 months? Now I have to tell you, with Grace, I KNEW her. I knew her personality when she was born. I paid close attention to every movement she made. With Rocky...ashamed to admit, but I was so busy I hardly noticed his moving except at night when he was keeping me up (oh wait...that's how he is now too. hahah) I didn't really know what to expect with him. But I still loved him to death when I had him. I still rubbed my belly with affection as I carried him for 9 months. HOW could I not feel an emotional attachment to a baby that I carried for 9 months? Would that become weird then? Would I back out of the deal and keep the baby? How could I? it's not my egg or James' sperm. I couldn't keep it. But I think I would feel very close to it. I mean, in the hospital...would I just have the baby...clean up and go home? I wouldn't nurse the baby. I wouldn't want to get any MORE attached to it.

So I thought....No. I can't do it. I know I would love that baby too much.

But then....I think again. And I think, I could do it. So I would feel really close to someone elses kid. that's ok. isn't it? Just treat it like babysitting for someone while they are in another country for 9 months or something. but what about MY kids? would they be weirded out? would they be confused? So many things to consider.

The thing that makes me WANT to do it is because I LOVE being a mother. I LOVE my children. They bring me more upset and stress than anything else in life...and they bring me even more JOY and Happiness and Love and Laughter than anything else. These women want to experience this so badly and they can't. It's so easy for me. I just think about getting pregnant and I do, and BOOM we're blessed with a beautiful child that we love and adore so much. My body works. And it's heartbreaking to me to see these people who have tried and tried to have kids and can't so they try to adopt but for some reason it takes ages, and all the while they are suffering wanting to fill that void you're not even sure is there until it's filled by all the joys a child brings in life. I mean...it's something I could do physically SOOO easily. And it would bring them SUCH happiness.

And I don't think most people WANT a surragate mother, do they? I've never inquired of my cousins if that's something they would consider, because I could just see the next sentence being, "Well, if you're looking for one, I'll do it." and then later regret it. I don't know how people feel about this subject.

I can carry the baby. I can birth the baby. I can explain to my kids. But could I be emotionally UNattached? I can't decide if I would do it or not. And for some reason that bothers me. I feel like I need to decide. Because if I decide that I can...am I close enough to my cousin's to offer such a service to them? how akward would that conversation be? I'd send an e-mail. FO SHO.

it's a problem. a real problem. I wish I knew what to do.

2010

it's almost here. I can't believe how fast time flies. I was just sending out "save the dates" for my 5 year high school reunion (yes I'm in charge. bleh) and I wrote June 5th 2010. What? it was so weird to me to write "2010" that's like a futuristic date from old movies. Like in Back to the Future....what year do they go to? 2015! it's redic. I can't believe it's that time already.

I want to make some new years resolutions...but I think I will wait until it truly IS the new year. gives me a little more time to slack off. ;o)

Happy Holidays everyone! I love this season don't you? Even with as busy as I have been working, doing photoshoots, getting sick, holiday prep, + the normal everyday-ness....I still just love this time of year. ESPECIALLY since it hasn't really snowed too much. I'm not a fan of snow.

anyway. 2010. Holidays. crazy.

Working Mom

yup. I got a job. It's only for 6 weeks (5 now. one week down!) and only 3 shifts a week. James works in the morning and I work in the evening so the kids don't have to be babysat or anything which is great. Really, that's the only way I would have accepted the job anyway.

It's easy. I work at the kiosk next to James' in University Mall. It's Flirty Aprons. They are really cute and I've always made fun of them while secretly wishing I owned one. Haha. And they have little girl ones that are way cute. I want to get matching ones for Grace and I. The men's aprons have little clever sayings on them, like "My Grill's Hotter than Yours" or "I Like Big Buns." haha. funny.

A guy asked me how work was going and I said, "Eh, I don't really LIKE it, but it's fine." And he asked why and I started to say "It's just hard...." when he interuppted and said, "because now you actually have to do work?"

I was so pissed. Um no, actually. It's hard being away from my family. He doesn't have kids, so of course I can't expect him to understand. Working is SO MUCH EASIER than taking care of two kids, a house, and a husband. Not even a comparison here. I stand there, fold the aprons once in awhile, dust the kiosk, talk to people who walk up to it...and otherwise just stand there. It's boring. SO boring. I see kids like mine, and I want to be home with them. I only took this job because we really needed it. I never wanted to leave my kids. And I Still don't. But going to work isn't hard because I have to work -- believe me, it's a break from my daily work. But honestly, I PREFER the busyness of being a mom. I feel useful and needed. I always always have something that needs doing and I like that. helps me not to get lazy. And I LOVE being with my kids. They are hilarious and cute and sweet and innocent. Grace can be a brat. Rocky can scream for hours. And still I would prefer staying home with that then working at a dumb kiosk.

He'll understand. When he has kids, he'll get it. It's so much work to be a mom. But every second of it is worth it. I have so much fun with them and I love them so much. Not to mention how much I want to be with James during those times as well.

I can't wait for Dec. 31st. That's my last day of "work."

Possibly the Funniest Things of my Life

So today has been full of humor. Thanks to our sweet little Grace.

First of all, she has this bucket that she plays with a lot. It's a cute pink bucket with flowers on it that she got from Gma Russell at easter. Lately she has been putting it completely over her head and talking in it, and says "bucket head." It's hilarious. She even brings her bucket with her in the car or to the store. She loves this thing. Who knew she was so easy to please? Well, she didn't get a nap today, and so when I was driving home this evening and I didn't hear her talking in the back I knew she had fallen asleep. So when I parked and opened her door I expected to see her asleep....but what I found instead was her...asleep....head fallen forward as it does in the car....with her head covered by her bucket. I wish I had a photo of it. I was luaghing SO hard.

this next story has TMI. so...you've been warned.

Grace was watching Cars and Rocky was napping. Therefore, James and I decided it was a good time for our own little together time. haha. Grace can't open doorknobs, so we simply shut our door and we're good to go. Only a few minutes went by before Grace was knocking at the door. "Mommy!" "Daddy!" we laughed a bit, "just a second grace!" and laughed a bit more...suddenly James froze.

"Um...she figured out how to open the door."

There was Grace. in her big white coat ready to go "bye bye," staring with wide and slightly confused eyes, and asked innocently, "What are you doing?"

needless to say we will be locking the door from now on.

The Soundtrack to My Life

This post is meant to be humorous, not depressing. That being said...

As a kid (and I'm not gonna lie, when I was older than a kid, too) I would listen to some of my favorite soundtracks and I could imagine myself in some hard situation, some difficulty to overcome, and (cue the inspiring music,usually something with a lot of french horn) I would pick myself up and triumph over all obstacles. I would be the heroine to whatever story that music had brought into my head. By the time I Was in high school, I decided I wanted to make movies and it was always music that would help me come up with the ideas. That's why making sports highlight videos was one of my favorite things to do.

Some of my favorite soundtracks (there are lots) include:

Anna and the King
Gladiator
Becoming Jane
Life is Beautiful
Pearl Harbor
Last of the Mohicans
Legends of the Fall
Beautiful Mind
Legacy

I've recently started listening to soundtracks again, and as is old habit, I remember the stories that I used to play or that would come into my mind. The movies I would write to the music. And a funny thought occurred to me...

maybe all I need to get through the hard days is my own theme song. Maybe then when the kids are sick, when we're both working trying to make ends meet, when everyone we know is going through a time just as hard or harder than we are, when it seems like we are doing all we can do and it's not enough -- maybe all we need is to hear the inspiring soundtrack and suddenly we will find the strength to become the hero of our own lives.


I just wish I could hear the music.

Unexpected Numbers

A lot of unexpected things have happened to us lately. Namely...everything that has happened to us this year! let's take a look....

Currently I have.....

• 2 kids (grace and rocky, obviously)
• 2 jobs (photography, and Flirty Aprons sales girl. true story. just for the holidays.)
• 2 callings (Enrichment Publicist...I make flyers and posters etc announcing the meetings, and the newest one is Sunday school teacher for 15-16 year olds. sweet.)
• 1 messy apartment
• 1 car
• 3 disney movies memorized (Incredibles, Tarzan, Cars) Cinderella will soon be on the list, it's Graces most recent favorite movie.
• 1 great husband
• 2 new shirts thanks to Kohl's $10 cards (thanks Em for giving me yours!)
• 3 NEW favorite shows (Heroes, Modern Family, and Community)
• 2 old favorite shows (The Office, and 30 Rock)

This Year...

• James has had 3 different jobs (Circuit City Sales manager, Radio Shack Store Manager, Rosetta Stone kiosk manager)
• was the summer of REUNIONS.
• we moved once
• Had everything I can think of break down in our car
• Had everything I can think of repaired on our car
• I gained 35 pounds (get prego if you want to gain weight)
• I lost 20 pounds (birth a baby if you want to lose weight)
• Went to the Dr 19 times so far with one scheduled in December to make it an even 20

Well that's all I can think of right now.